A Blink of an eye.

A single day. One day in my life's history that has changed me forever. People say it gets better but, really it doesn't.

I lost my father Two years ago today and it hurts like hell. I am fortunate enough to be away from my home. On vacation in Boston MA, with a friend- who was kind enough to let me visit with him. This day, today has been spent alone at the MFB and the Gardner, where I spent time viewing artists passions, muses and loves. Truly amazing how looking at paintings can change one's point if view or in my case make me forget the single most terrible day of my life.

I strive to be like dad- a good person to everyone, honest and a good friend. I hope I am living up to that, I know dad would be proud.

I can't explain how I feel. I want to cry until I sob, I want to yell at everyone that I love who is still smoking and most of all I want to hug my dad and tell him I love him an miss him.

Two years, a lot of time has passed in a blink of an eye, my life has been turned upside down- being diagnosed with MS / change of job -  all I want us for my dad to be here to hold my hand. It is impossible to want and have - but nonethess it is all I need to make my life happier and satisfied.

A hug is all I need. A hug is all I want. I miss you dad and I love you!

Christmas 2011

The question remains - How do I feel about this christmas without my father?

Last year this time I was having chinese food with my dad because it was too late to cook a turkey and he did not want anything to eat. I spent the evening watching a Mordeci Richler special on Bravo. Dad seemed to enjoy it very much.

Seeing as he wasn't feeling well, he went to bed and tried to be a trooper for me... I was tired too so it really didn't matter if I was in a festive mood or not. Had I given it much thought I would have taken more pictures, had more in depth conversations about everything, the family, us (him and I) and life's turbulent outcomes... But all dad wanted to do is stay warm and spend time with me. I miss him so much it hurts, I want to talk to him and I want to hold his hand and hug him but I can't any more. I can't anymore.

Damn it to hell, I miss him. Damn it to hell.


that's how I feel-

alot has changed

Alot has changed in the last couple of months and grieving for Dad hasen't subsided. Last week was a bad week for me. I am not sure why but the tears wouldn't stop and although I look happy and as pleasant as I could have been, I had a really hard time.

Hockey season has started and I have no desire to get involved. There isn't any breakfasts with dad anymore, no more 'did you see that hit? did you think it was a legal one?' or ' Wow! Carey really missed or saved that shot - ' or just banter about the game. I have many friends who are all about talking hockey, I love em, but it ain't Dad, or Dickers as I sometime called him.

A friend of mine is back in town and I was so happy to see her, the first thing I though was 'wait till dad hears she's back!' then I realized - oh wait, my bad. She is a friend that my father adored. To be honest, my dad loved all of my friends. He had nick names for them all too, well most of them. It was his thing. Now that I think of it, it's kinda silly and funny at the same time.

I have since quit my job (I finish in December), almost finished the 2 classes I am taking and well my point is 'what would my fater think of all this?" The more I think of it, the more I beleive he would be behind me. There wasn't a question of that but I doubt myself.

I am not sure what the future holds for me but I do know that dad is watching over and guiding me. I must beleive this to get over his loss. I need to beleive this. Dad would say "c'est la vie" with a sigh to his words... he didn't speak french but that's what he would say.

My sleeping patterns have yet to change, that's why I write at odd hours. However I managed to pull off a few good hours last night. Yay for me.

I write to let things out, it might be repetative or boring for most of you to read, but it helps me sort though the thoughts and memories I have. Bear with me.

Game tonight, wonder if Souban will take out Marchand or instigate most of the night... Dad would say 'he'll instigate, boy can he instigate'.

To those who've lost to the retched 'C'.

'Cancer took him but he didn't give in...' Cbc news- Discussing Jack Layton's death from cancer.

I do feel helpless. I was asked not to long ago - 'how do you justify your loss'? (in relation to my dad's death) Huh? I still don't understand that question. Jack Layton's death sets the sadness deeper. I have never met the man- I did however vote for him. I sympathize with his family and friends on thier loss and wonder 'how they justify his death'. Could they possibly answer that question in their time of sadness? I would love to know how if possible, could they answer that question.

I do know that the sadness sets and is like a splinter to remove- if ever. It sets itself in some tissue, and skin and needs to be worked and pried to be let go... Jeezus, it's painful and very uneasy to deal with. But eventually you get that piece that sticks in you and you deal.

I wish for JL's family and friends that the splinter is not stuck in too deep that cannot be removed before too long; That the hurt is not too painful, the memories stronger than the pain and that his love will prevail all. Love him, remember him and never forget him. My words of wisdome. I wish that for everyone who has loved and lost someone close to them to the retched C.

Some time has passed

I'm up early this morning. This is nothing new in my life as 2 am is the norm, lately it's been 5 am. I've decided to make the best of the situation and run with it. This is all new to me as I don't like change and under the circumstances lately I've had nothing but change. Many things go through my mind and I've never put things into action- well not the little things. I've just learned in my 37 years of existance that it's the little things that make all the difference.

These little things are very little but as of late, I realize that they are HUGE- to me anyhow.

The changes in my life are few but have become important to me...

I've started saving my money. Yeah I know what you all are going to say- You are 37 years old and don't have any money saved... you're telling me.

My toonie collection has grown to a fairly decent amount. :) I love toonies. silly I know but it makes my day to know that I didn't spend them on stupid things.

I've decided to take a couple of courses at Concordia to keep busy. I am going stur crazy and I want to further my knowledge on photography (my passion), so, i've enrolled in a program 'Diploma in Photography' at the continuing education center. I am not sure that I will be a good photographer but seeing as I love taking photos and I have an AMAZING camera I will learn everything about it...
I have been not doing anything really and life is too short to sit still. I've done that long enough.

I'm going to New York City with one of my oldest and dear friends... G and I are heading to the Big Apple and we will take NYC by storm. Or atleast we will try. I'm soooooooo excited to catch up and just beat around the city with her. Hit a camera store and a restaurants or two... coffee at 'Serindipity' maybe, crash some open markets and anything that strikes our fancy! So there!

I've made another decision- after much delay and alot of talk, I've joined the YMCA. My friend C and I are hoping to get into a routine that suits us well and we will reach our goal and hit the mark on how fit each of us want to become. I know I will work at it... Also, i'm hoping that it will allow me to sleep at night. I'm stoked.

As I said earlier, I have made decisions and hopefully they will be sound decisions and work in my favor- I don't see how they would not. :)

Now If I were a beauty pagent contestant I'd say that I want to save the world and stop hunger... which would be nice... I will concentrate on starting with me and then work outward.

I know that dad would be proud of me for these decisions and tell me that 'It's about time you do something!' I feel his presence in these decisions- or maybe with him not here now, he's the reason for these decisions. I don't know. But I do know that He's definitly one of the reasons for these changes.

It's gorgeous here today, the sun is strong and there is a nice breeze rustling the leaves on the trees a little. Dad would be so all over that!

I continue to miss him and constantly talk to him (in my head of course) and seek his advice often. I think that it is normal to do these things and I don't care what others say.

He will be at rest soon enough and life will go on. I will forever miss him, My Father. I will be ok.

In good hands

My way of dealing with my fathers death is by remembering him everyday and trying to live by his example. But sometimes life gets the better of me when I see or hear things that don't seem right to me - I have to remember that it's not worth getting upset about, not worth worrying about because in the long run I only have myself to rely on. I was once told by my mother to worry about myself and everything else will fall into place. I have to rely on my mother's wisdome and sense...

Uncle Sonny passed away and it through me for a loop when I found out yesterday. He was a kind man, a funny one too. He was the life of the party in my eyes. I always enjoyed being around him because as a kid he made me laugh. He also had the bluest eyes i've ever seen or looked into. I will remember him fondly. And take comfort that dad has his buddy with him. Dad has quite a few friends and family surrounding him up there and knowing that makes me smile in a weird kind of way. Dad's probably sitting at the 'heavenly bar and grill' with Uncle Sonny, Grandma, my grandfater Dick, Pap, Aunt Paul, daddy Pete, Paul Marie, Peter, Mary and Al, not to mention scores of his other friends that have passed on. I can only imagine the talk, the party, the music... Love em all. It also comforts me to know that they are all watching over us, meaning my family and I.

I will take my father down to NS and bury him with Aunt Margaret with the least possible amount of problems. If it's just me and dad that's it, then that's it! No questions asked. No qualms and definitly no bullshit. That said... I can sleep at night.

time I guess...

I find myself at a loss these days. My two best friends are away on vacation and although I have other wonderful friends- I find myself missing them more than ever. Y&P are off to see family in T. S is away with her son J for his 18th Birthday in Cuba no doubt. I hope they all are having some fun.

I have been surrounding myself with other friends and keeping myself busy wandering the streets of MTL in look out for some great shots. I went to the Biodome and Botanical Gardens with F & M yesterday- Kept me busy and god love them, the put up with me taking all those photos (stop and shoot, stop and shoot...).

Trying to get in the swing of things has left me grappling to catch on to something solid. with the will going into probate (not sure if that's the correct terminology?) and trying to figure out the best time to go to NS for Dad's burial - plane tickets and vacation time for the girls at work etc... i'm just thinking of NOT doing anything at all and screw it all until next year.
BUT.. do I want to leave Dad in the funeral home for a year? He deserves better. Do I want to handle all of this? NOPE.

Some thank you cards have been written and sent however, there are tons more. Sorry for the delay everyone.

Since I didn't make it to Shane's concert at the Jazz fest this year I am looking to keep the tradition alive by staying in touch with Mr & Mrs. M and some of dad's friends. They are so kind. But am having a hard time wanting to make the time to see them. It hurts.

But as the cliche goes ---> life goes on.