There is always time- Right???!

Over the last few weeks I've had many ideas about things to write on this blog, but then didn't write them down... let me tell you they were deep, profound and meaningful.

Today's blog post is about death. Yes I know it's very uplifting isn't it. I would like to know what you all think about death. What happens, how it happens and why? The three major things that have been rattling my little pea size brain for a little while. Since dad has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and is literally more than half way through his chemotherapy treatments, basically overcome the 3 brain tumors that he had, a blood clot in his right leg and is struggling to maintain his appetite- death has been on my mind.

I feel that dad and I are too young to be going though this business, to young to make wills and power of attorney's, too young to be taking an early retirement and to young not to be married with grandchildren running around dad's feet. (I know I don't want children - and think that there is always time-is there though?). There is always time. as I say out loud to myself.

Dad has good bloods, will undergo radiation on his lungs after chemo and will regain his appetite and want to cook again. There is always time. Isn't there?

Where does someone go after they die? I think that our soul, if you want to use that term -lives on until it learns, teachs, lives what it is supposed to learn, live and teach- then moves on to be another soul to teach others. It's something I've always thought and believe in. I would like to know what you out there think about things? Spiritual, or not- what you all believe in is important to me. The one person that I haven't asked is Dad.

I hope he doesn't get mad at me or clam up on me. I really haven't thought about asking dad what he thinks until just now, I haven't thought about when i'll bring it up- however, I think that he wouldn't appreciate me writing about this on a blog... very inpersonal.

PS. Don't watch 6 feet under when someone has cancer in the family... (just trying to make lite of the situation- can't be dark and gloomy ALL THE TIME). esp. under the circumstances.

8:53 pm - watching 6th feet under and it is relevent to my topic above. i will psot my thoughts later.

added to the list-

Fragmin iu/ml

Poor dad. I was concerned about his leg being swollen in one leg only- I am glad I called the hospital. Thanks to dad's nurse, she made things happen so that we didn't have to go to emerg. She's fantastic. HIP HIP HORRAY for Renee!

Dad has to inject himself everyday for at least 30 days with this 15 000 ui dose of fragmin iu/ml. He's becoming a pharmaceutical wonder patient... as his meds are getting expensive and they are loving him i'm sure. he's not loving it though. Thank goodness for insurance.

apart from that, he's still tired and he's still not eating much.. not for the lack of not wanting to but for the fact that he forgets or is out and doesn't think.

He has lost weight though - not much but 8 pounds give or take since the last weighing. NOT GOOD.

Faith ?!? Just throwing things out there--

I know what you all are thinking. I am not so sure I know what I'm thinking. Faith has been rattling around my brain for the last couple of months. I am a good person ( relatively (sp?)..) I try to be kind, love, learn from my mistakes, be compassionate, understanding, towards people- how do I justify it? I am drawn to an old way of thinking that I don't fit into, and I am something that, that way of life doesn't support- I believe wholeheartedly that if you believe in something, and will it to be, it will be.

Through patience, practice things will be what they are supposed to be. Am I to question this way of thought because of what I believe, of what we are going through, is something that is against our power, being? Shall I throw my way of life out and go back to the old way of life- to beleive in a power out of our control and accept?

I am not viewing my old faith as bad, or not valid- in fact it has given my alot to think about the last few weeks/ days/ months. I like to think that I have both faiths working for me... however- right now it doesn't feel like it. The only faith that seems to be working for me (my dad is what I mean) is the faith in science. Is science even a faith? I would like to believe that science has been created by a higher being(s) and will help however, without the higher power there would be nothing.

When I was small, I hated going to church because I was forced to go. I didn't understand what it all meant and to be honest church is still a bit fuzzy for me. I know that when I am in a church I am peaceful, a quietness is within- BUT when I am at home practicing my own faith I feel the same way. I am sure that most of you will have something to say about this and I appreciate all opinions...

Faith in any manner of speaking , mindframe or way is something that I will accept right now. The hole at the end of the tunnel is so far away- I could see a light though... which is a good sign, right?

I will struggle with this for a good while as I haven't been able to figure things out ever!
Too many questions, too little answers. Chalk it up to just accepting things- hard to do, but let's give it a go... whaddaya say?

Prayers are accepted and welcomed, thoughts too... as mentioned in earlier posts HUGs are hard... so thank you for the hugs virtually! sounds funny however- me being a puddle of mush isn't productive, in any way whatsoever.

What is it that I always say??? Smile, pharmacy smile style-and just breathe.

Blood Pressure problems

Once again dad has finished his second round of neupogen. That means seven days of going to CLSC's to get his injection at roughly the same time every day. This time around Dad has been experiencing low blood pressure. He's been tired these last few days , has cramps in his legs and is basically blah. The nurse at the CLSC told him he should be going to the hospital with his low blood pressure- I think she kinda freaked him out a bit.

Since yesterday he has bought some fruit and I think it might have dawned on him that eating in the afternoon would be a good idea since he is feeling weak. I however will not say a thing- as the nurse at the CLSC told him to eat better and eat in the afternoon. What the heck do I know... ;)

I bought him a blood pressure machine and I assume that he will take it- however I cannot garauntee (sp?) it. At least dad does not have a fever so far... that would not be good. That would mean countless hours in the hospital emergency room which he does not want to be in.

I am concerned because he doesn't sound good. I can't ask him how he feels as he changes subject. So if any of you know how he's feeling then please feel free to let me know.

He's a bugger my dad, a bugger (as my grandma used to call me-)

today's another day

Dad is not feeling so hot today. He is quite tired and his blood pressure is a bit low -as the nurse told him. He's not up to eating much tonight and is resting with his legs up. His temp is alright - I guess we'll see how things go this evening and tomorrow. The last time he felt this way the symptoms didn't last a long time. I'm hoping it'll pass.

conscious - working overtime.

my conscious

Going back to what my boss said to me that has stuck with me- I must steal my self away. He has dealt with cancer from being a pharmacist and losing his mother to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was confused by what he meant however, I have since then learned.

I am stealing myself away (am I distancing myself) ? I don't know? Now that school is finished I have more time on my hands I should have more time for my father- I do, however I find myself wanting to be alone more than ever. I spent the weekend with friends and haven't really talked with dad since yesterday morning. Do I feel guilty? YES. I need not to think about appointments, tests, chemo, results, tumors... does that make me a bad daughter? Yes.

I feel overwhelmed when I shouldn't be, aggrivated when there is no need to be and angry/ upset at the drop of the hat. This is just the way I feel- it is not my dad's fault, solely my own.

Life has a funny way of working- you do your best to be good, nice and the best you can be and there is always something that counteracts that way of thinking. I question my faith, my friendships, my relationships, my family, myself, and I can't understand how to manage things on my own, even with the help of my friends, family, faith. Where do you go when life is shit? Where do you put your thoughts and feelings? A spouse, better half, a familiar (cat/dog/fish)? What do they do to make things better? Does it pass? And how long does it take to pass? I am not the writer that some of my friends are, or a person with the gift of words - I do feel better when I write how I am feeling, like here today, but I don't like feeling the way I do.

My dad and I are close, always have been and our dynamic will change eventually- if I don't change the way I feel- meaning aggrivated, angry, upset. I don't want it to! Am I making sense? It all sounds good in my head- believe it or not.

There are numberous things/decisions I have to take care of/make over the next few months and these decisions are important to me. WIll I be able to make them and live with them, concentrate on them, work towards them? I hope so. I need to, have to, and as usual I will.

Last set of questions- where does the strength/will come from? Is it because I"m working on autopilot? Will I run out of steam? WIll I really have a mental breakdown that I keep joking about having? Will it really come to pass?
The answer: maybe- maybe not.

PET scan

Today we went for the regular bloods, chat with Dr P and Chemo- dad's bloods are great, his result from the PET scan came through and I am happy to say that the cancer has NOT spread anywhere else. " Everything looks good" said Dr. P. "it (the cancer) is only located in the lung." A sigh of relief that this small cell lung cancer has not spread to the liver, kidney, the other lung or anywhere else in the brain (3 tumors in the head is enough, no?!).

Dad has been steady in weight, although his eye sight has been wonky on him, he seems to be handling it very well. HIs appetite has been good, he puts up a fight to eat but then finishes everything on his plate. He has little or no side effects from the chemo except his hair falling out. His head is tender from the high doses of Radiation that he had but apart from that... I'm happy with the progress. The Dr.'s seem to be too.

This is the third round of chemo out of 6- that means on Thursday we are half way there! It seems like forever since we've started on June 1st, 2010. It feels like everything is running smoothly, that nothing seems to be going wronge, I am waiting for something to happen to ruin it all. That always seems to be the way- however, there will be nothing that will let me get down about how things are going with dad.

I feel confident that dad could over come this bastard of a disease BUT the statistical odds are against him. He's a stubburn man and will prove everyone wronge. And he will too!

On that note, I hope that he will prove it too!

Chemo again tomorrow, and Thursday.