It is time to clean out my dad's appartment. I know it must be done and that the landlord will need to have the place clean for a new tennant.... I feel that i'm violating my dad's privacy. Everynow and then I feel like he's here telling me not to throw this/that out. Once his apt. is cleaned out it'll be a relief however, i'll be sadder.
Uncle Edgar has been an angel sent from wherever angels come from. He's been a huge help and just to know that he's there to help me clean out apt., bring me to do some things in record time... OMG not sure how i'd do all of it with out him. Then there's my mom. She's the queen of angels. she's kept me level headed through out this ordeal, she's kept me strong and believe me when I say strong- stronger than ever. she's cleaned my place, kept me laughing and crying sometimes- ( we have our moments) and most of all she's been here for me... I can't tell you how blessed I am. Not only for the uncle, aunts, cousins, step-dad or mom that I have- I am blessed to have had the father that I had. I am at a loss for words as to what dad would say at this time but I know it's be something good.
...
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
May 19th, 2011-
Today my father died. I am really sad and I can't cry anymore. I want to take back the last year and a half and start over- so that he wouldn't be sick the way he was. Or would I? He'd have been sick anyhow with this despicable disease.
My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.
He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started
I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's
I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-
and I will remember him this way
I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.
My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.
He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started
I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's
I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-
and I will remember him this way
I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Chemo Day
Today was the first day of dad's 2nd round of chemo. I will need to get the names straight but I think the chemo is CAV. It is given one day every 3 weeks and I sure hope the second treatment goes better than this one. It has been a long road so far but shorter than we thought. The chemo treatment has been changed from the previous protocol because it was too soon to start it up again. If I understand it correctly, the same protocol can be given only if it has been more than 6 months after the last treatment. It is too soon. So the new CAV treatment has started and dad must undergo a MUGA SCAN just to see if his heart is strong enough...
Dad, Of course, didn't eat this morning and is weak. He was wobbly after treatment and has had trouble walking - more than usual. He made it though and refuses to sleep in the spare bedroom as the hockey game is on in the living room... so, he will sleep on the couch. - Brand new bed in the room and dad is sleeping on the sofa... Go figure... Let me just say that he is stubborn. :)
I am a little (ok alot) concerned about this treatment because if he is going to get weaker and weaker then he'll need to move in with me and to this date he refuses to. Not sure how i'll get him to make that decision but i'll keep on it.
Between you (my 9 faithful followers) and I, dad looks old now and is skin and bones. I touched his shoulder and his back and holy moses he's basically just bones with a thin coating of skin. I want to make him eat, drink and eat some more... fatten him up. This damn F&*@&)G desease is a wicked and stupid and pathetic and is well, bull crap!!! If I were to meet this Cancer I'd blow it up to smitherines.... Rat B@*@&ard. Ok I'm done swearing now and sorry for that to those of you who don't appreciate swearting- It feels good to swear as it's the only thing I feel I could do.
May 24th Next session of this 2nd round of chemo.
Dad, Of course, didn't eat this morning and is weak. He was wobbly after treatment and has had trouble walking - more than usual. He made it though and refuses to sleep in the spare bedroom as the hockey game is on in the living room... so, he will sleep on the couch. - Brand new bed in the room and dad is sleeping on the sofa... Go figure... Let me just say that he is stubborn. :)
I am a little (ok alot) concerned about this treatment because if he is going to get weaker and weaker then he'll need to move in with me and to this date he refuses to. Not sure how i'll get him to make that decision but i'll keep on it.
Between you (my 9 faithful followers) and I, dad looks old now and is skin and bones. I touched his shoulder and his back and holy moses he's basically just bones with a thin coating of skin. I want to make him eat, drink and eat some more... fatten him up. This damn F&*@&)G desease is a wicked and stupid and pathetic and is well, bull crap!!! If I were to meet this Cancer I'd blow it up to smitherines.... Rat B@*@&ard. Ok I'm done swearing now and sorry for that to those of you who don't appreciate swearting- It feels good to swear as it's the only thing I feel I could do.
May 24th Next session of this 2nd round of chemo.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
An Emotional Wreck
I think that Dad and I about to blow a gasckit. There were times when I though that we would pull through this and be happy and merry and definitly cancer free...
not on your life- or mine - or dads. It Sucks. plain and simple.
I will mention that i'm kinda freaking out now, but I have been on auto pilot since Thursday 10 am. I have yet to sit and think about it, mind you , I have done nothing but think about it. It will get worse before all of this is over and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It sucks.
I have yet to talk to dad about how I feel for I fear that if he knows that i'm freaking out he'll get down and that won't help his moral in the whole Chemo situation. I need him to be strong, I need him to eat and drink and I would like it if he'd move in BUT he refuses to move in and he is trying to eat and drink as much as he can, and he is. I'm happy about that.
Let me back track a bit. A while back dad said he had a bad feeling about the MRI and CT scan that he just had. He was right. Thursday morning he had an apt. with Dr. P and the news was not good.
- He has water in the lung, 'the right hemithroax' and the nodes are 'markedly larger' as well as 50% water on the lung... (holy crap -i'm thinkin') they can't take out the water as there is also air in there. I am not sure what that means.
- there is also 'multiple low attenuation nodules scattered through out both lobes of the liver consistent with metastases increased from previous.' Damn, Joy oh Joy!!!
-Dr. P said that I shouldn't be worried about that right now, that he knows that I like to keep copies of all tests and reports - that's why he gave me the 'final report on CT SCAN THROAX, ABDOMEN AND PELVIS C+' report. The Chemo will take care of all of that... (oh my).
- The other option would be to DO NOTHING (quote -un-quote) and wait a couple of months and see.
UMMMMM, NO! Dad didn't quite understand why the Dr. gave 2 options because the second would be pointless "what's the point? That's stupid, we'll do chemo!". All the while I'm trying not to throw everything off Dr.P's desk and out the window.
It has been almost a complete year to the day that Dr. P wanted to schedule Chemotherapy. Last year he wanted to start Chemo on May 3rd it was a Monday and my Birthday. But something changed the Dr's mind and he had to schedule more tests and then made the chemo start on June 1st 2010.
Dad starts chemo (with apparently some minor changes to the chemo regime) on May 2nd and has 3 sessions - Tuesday and Wednesday.
It begins.
not on your life- or mine - or dads. It Sucks. plain and simple.
I will mention that i'm kinda freaking out now, but I have been on auto pilot since Thursday 10 am. I have yet to sit and think about it, mind you , I have done nothing but think about it. It will get worse before all of this is over and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It sucks.
I have yet to talk to dad about how I feel for I fear that if he knows that i'm freaking out he'll get down and that won't help his moral in the whole Chemo situation. I need him to be strong, I need him to eat and drink and I would like it if he'd move in BUT he refuses to move in and he is trying to eat and drink as much as he can, and he is. I'm happy about that.
Let me back track a bit. A while back dad said he had a bad feeling about the MRI and CT scan that he just had. He was right. Thursday morning he had an apt. with Dr. P and the news was not good.
- He has water in the lung, 'the right hemithroax' and the nodes are 'markedly larger' as well as 50% water on the lung... (holy crap -i'm thinkin') they can't take out the water as there is also air in there. I am not sure what that means.
- there is also 'multiple low attenuation nodules scattered through out both lobes of the liver consistent with metastases increased from previous.' Damn, Joy oh Joy!!!
-Dr. P said that I shouldn't be worried about that right now, that he knows that I like to keep copies of all tests and reports - that's why he gave me the 'final report on CT SCAN THROAX, ABDOMEN AND PELVIS C+' report. The Chemo will take care of all of that... (oh my).
- The other option would be to DO NOTHING (quote -un-quote) and wait a couple of months and see.
UMMMMM, NO! Dad didn't quite understand why the Dr. gave 2 options because the second would be pointless "what's the point? That's stupid, we'll do chemo!". All the while I'm trying not to throw everything off Dr.P's desk and out the window.
It has been almost a complete year to the day that Dr. P wanted to schedule Chemotherapy. Last year he wanted to start Chemo on May 3rd it was a Monday and my Birthday. But something changed the Dr's mind and he had to schedule more tests and then made the chemo start on June 1st 2010.
Dad starts chemo (with apparently some minor changes to the chemo regime) on May 2nd and has 3 sessions - Tuesday and Wednesday.
It begins.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Inhale - Exhale-
Stay tuned for April 28th, 2011. Dr.'s Appointment with news of starting more treatments? I don't know what this means? I don't think I quite get what is going on.. and I don' think I could handle much more- however, I'm not the one going through this. What I should have written was I don't think Dad can go through more of this crap.
I want Dad to be free of the big C and like he was before all this shit started.
Can anyone help him? Just make the cancer go away and make him feel good? I'd make a deal with the devil --- any takers?
I want Dad to be free of the big C and like he was before all this shit started.
Can anyone help him? Just make the cancer go away and make him feel good? I'd make a deal with the devil --- any takers?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patrick's Day
The day started with me waking up at 2 am. I am awake at this hour because I am anxious about today, I am flying to Newfoundland- It's Mabel Babel's 60th Birthday on Sunday. Please do not tell her that I am going down to Newfoundland for her birthday because it is a SURPRIZE! She hasn't a clue. I should be there around 5:30 or so 4 o'clock MTL time - then add 1.5 or so hours to get to Winterton.
I am very excited to be going to Newfoundland because it is a joyous occation. The last time I was there Bo (my step dad) had prostate cancer. Fun stuff eh?
NO!
Dad seems to be alright, he's going to feed Willow for me. :) Dad has to go for another MRI on the 4th of April and a blood test a week before. His Creatinine level was NORMAL, well within normal range on his last apt. with Dr. P. This was a big surpirize for me because this means that all the nagging, ( I am a really good nagger- if nothing else!) a pest, a royal pain in the ass about him drinking - anything. He needs to keep doing what he is doing so that he could have the proper test...
I am trying to be optimistic and positive especially around dad... I make jokes and try to make him laugh (you all know my sense of humor- sometimes not that funny) it's better than making him upset which I seem to do too. Hopefully he laughs more than he is mad or upset. I'm worried that somehting will happen while i'm away and I won't be here if something does. I am worried that if something does happen and he needs me I won't be able to get back in time. Yeah I know. nothing will happen. But honestly- I will try to have a good time and dad will be fine.
Since today is St. Patrick's Day - i'd like to share some photo's from last year of dad and I. I won't be here for the parade this year as will be away- the first year in 17-18 years that I will not be at parade with dad. It's tradition. Here you go. Enjoy. P.S this is just as he was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer.
Enoy the day - the parade- the friends and family around you and have a pint of guiness for me please.
Top of the morning to ya's !
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Totally Untitled
it's been a while since i've blogged, I keep thinking of all these things to say: 'that's good point or idea, i'll need to remember to put this on the blog' and of course I go about my buisness and totally forget to mark it down.
Dads appointments this past week were some what uneventful and tiring. He had an apt at the neuro for a MRI on monday, then the results on tuesday. The results were great- NO NEW TUMORS. And to get results for the blood tests and CT scan. I find that the appointments are somewhat un-necessary. Let me explain- the Dr.'s are wonderful and are doing the best to help dad during this time but I (let me stress "I") feel that up until now the results have been pretty much the same.
These results are different. I've read the written report for the CT scan and noticed a couple of things, there seems to be 2 other mass' or nodes that have developed. one 14mm (which i'm not sure is important because the Dr only semmed to be worried about the 9mm node ...
'i'll see you in a month' ... really? no further tests to see if it / tbey increase in size???
I don't know - I'm not a Doctor. I'm helpless to the lingo and really not good at being patient. I can't sleep and I think i'm on edge... (yes, it always turns out to be about me--- not really) .
The run down as to why I think it is different this time around are his symptoms. Dad has lost 28 pounds in just under 2 mths and has no desire to eat, he's moody and irritable (more than he used to be and more than i am), he is grumpy and sometimes nasty. I know that he is not like that in general and probably doesn't mean to be moody-- but how would you feel with a disease that will end your life sooner than expected. I know that these symptoms are a result of going through chemo, radiation and the like, but there is more to it than I can explain. Anyhow, I feel that things are taking too long and should be on the Cancer highway out of town and on the road to recovery- that's not the case.
March 10th is the next appointment. I'm looking for good news and not some more procrastination. I'm not complaining at the Dr's work or ability to do their job, I just wish that they could really preform miracles and not just seem to sit around until it's too late.
Dad will die of this disease and it is really a shame and sad that people including my dad have to go through this hell.
I'm just going to finish on that note because I really don't know what else to say or write without being tagged for obsinities and being kicked off of blogger- because I just want to swear and yell and scream... it'll make me look stupid, feel better and it'll be completely pointless. Instead i'll just wish and hope for the best, dad to get the feeling back in the tips of his fingers and toes, to gain back his appetite, to be 30 pounds heavier, and to be able to walk 10 feet without being out of breath and having to stop. and thank the powers that be that he is not in any pain AT ALL, that the cancer hasn't gone into his kidneys, liver or pancrease...
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!
Dads appointments this past week were some what uneventful and tiring. He had an apt at the neuro for a MRI on monday, then the results on tuesday. The results were great- NO NEW TUMORS. And to get results for the blood tests and CT scan. I find that the appointments are somewhat un-necessary. Let me explain- the Dr.'s are wonderful and are doing the best to help dad during this time but I (let me stress "I") feel that up until now the results have been pretty much the same.
These results are different. I've read the written report for the CT scan and noticed a couple of things, there seems to be 2 other mass' or nodes that have developed. one 14mm (which i'm not sure is important because the Dr only semmed to be worried about the 9mm node ...
'i'll see you in a month' ... really? no further tests to see if it / tbey increase in size???
I don't know - I'm not a Doctor. I'm helpless to the lingo and really not good at being patient. I can't sleep and I think i'm on edge... (yes, it always turns out to be about me--- not really) .
The run down as to why I think it is different this time around are his symptoms. Dad has lost 28 pounds in just under 2 mths and has no desire to eat, he's moody and irritable (more than he used to be and more than i am), he is grumpy and sometimes nasty. I know that he is not like that in general and probably doesn't mean to be moody-- but how would you feel with a disease that will end your life sooner than expected. I know that these symptoms are a result of going through chemo, radiation and the like, but there is more to it than I can explain. Anyhow, I feel that things are taking too long and should be on the Cancer highway out of town and on the road to recovery- that's not the case.
March 10th is the next appointment. I'm looking for good news and not some more procrastination. I'm not complaining at the Dr's work or ability to do their job, I just wish that they could really preform miracles and not just seem to sit around until it's too late.
Dad will die of this disease and it is really a shame and sad that people including my dad have to go through this hell.
I'm just going to finish on that note because I really don't know what else to say or write without being tagged for obsinities and being kicked off of blogger- because I just want to swear and yell and scream... it'll make me look stupid, feel better and it'll be completely pointless. Instead i'll just wish and hope for the best, dad to get the feeling back in the tips of his fingers and toes, to gain back his appetite, to be 30 pounds heavier, and to be able to walk 10 feet without being out of breath and having to stop. and thank the powers that be that he is not in any pain AT ALL, that the cancer hasn't gone into his kidneys, liver or pancrease...
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!
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