A night spent with family, friends and good cheer... but not for me. This eve was spent wraping gifts and trying to get rid of a headache heading for a migraine. A night spent quietly and much needed.
How do I justify a christmas eve without family. As much as I love my family and friends... I am glad that I stayed home and spent it by myself listening to Jim Reeves or is it Paul Reeves? I look forward to his special every year airing on CJAD. I wrapped gifts and actually got rid of this headache and am thankful for the glass of red I am now enjoying.
Do you really need friends and family around at this time of year? It is a wonderful time to share special moments with loved ones, however, my love and friendship has not diminished with and for those I love because I spent this evening alone. It has not tainted my view of the holiday season especially since my holiday was on the winter solstice with that glorious total lunar eclipse... (which i watched online as it was so cloudy here in MTL).
I cherish my time alone these days and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and family of course-
I am guilty of wanting time alone and am guilty of fighting for it when poor dad wants to be with me almost 24/7 or though it feels like it. I love him and need him but time alone seems to be just so precious. Some may say that I am selfish and not right for wanting this time alone when dad has lung cancer. Had this been 2-3 mths ago = this post would not be written. it would be about dad and how he is going... speaking of which, He is doing very well. His hair is starting to grow back and he has color in his face. He only has numbness in his feet and hands, this is a result of the chemo. How I long for the days before Cancer and sickness....
I tell you what i long for though- I long for the sleigh rides with Jeff to kentucky fried chicken being pulled by uncle ern, elvis belting out the tunes from the sterio, uncle edgar dressing up as santa carrying a bag that was bigger than him, I long for trips down the street to aunt muriel's and uncle george's, uncle ern's and aunt lynn's, the trip over to mary and al's... I long for bo hiding my christmas gifts in the tree, I long for pap to walk through the door. I long for the family gathering of everyone at my place - the place that I still live in. I could hear the laughter, the joy. I long for the time when dad would surprise me with a plane ticket to sydney N.S. for chritmas to see grandma and aunt paul. I long for the parties and all night music that was always on, around and happening. I long to be worry free and innocent of all that is to come.
This is not a sad holiday- it is a time to remember the old, to share the new and enjoy the present. This is what I am doing. I've finished wrapping my gifts and forgot to eat since this morning.. the house is somewhat presentable. I put up my lights in the window and willow is fed. now at 8 pm in the evening I'll pour my second glass of red and make something to eat... enjoy this time alone and toast to those I love and care for.
Find peace in your hearts, say a prayer in which ever religion you belong to, as i'm sure that they are all heard, and have a merry eve and a joyous new year.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
un-intentional avoidance ????
So, I'm noticing a pattern from people. I know that this pattern is usually unintentional for the most part but nonetheless bothersome to me. I have noticed that people who want to know how my father is doing ask me - when he is sitting right in front of them or beside them. I know that it is an awkward situation when you ask someone how they are and the actually tell you. Most people deal with that question by saying 'alright' or 'could be better' or 'great' then they want to know how great you are... but when people are struck with a negative answer it is hard to conceptualize and hard for them to deal with- However, it is the person you are asking about that should be ask...
I don't mean to be ranting about this BUT... I can't imagine how dad feels when people don't look at him in the eye or avoid talking to him like they used to and come to ask me the question... So how is your dad doing? My answer today was "he's sitting right there, you should ask him", I watched as the person reluctantly walked over to him. In my head I was thinking - "i hope that dad didn't hear him ask me or feel invisible' because that is how I would feel if I was him. Invisible.
Dad isn't invisible, he is not unable to have a conversation... So, for those of you who are having a hard time approaching him - Please do so. He likes to talk with his friends, family and would love it. That's just my observation that I have been seeing lately.
I don't mean to be ranting about this BUT... I can't imagine how dad feels when people don't look at him in the eye or avoid talking to him like they used to and come to ask me the question... So how is your dad doing? My answer today was "he's sitting right there, you should ask him", I watched as the person reluctantly walked over to him. In my head I was thinking - "i hope that dad didn't hear him ask me or feel invisible' because that is how I would feel if I was him. Invisible.
Dad isn't invisible, he is not unable to have a conversation... So, for those of you who are having a hard time approaching him - Please do so. He likes to talk with his friends, family and would love it. That's just my observation that I have been seeing lately.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Latest Set Back- on the Last Session....
up until now I have been coasting on a hope and a lot of prayers. From now on fingers will be crossed, eyes will be shut tight and a breath will be held. Poor dad seems to be disappointed - we have had to cancel his first chemo of his LAST session... The creatine levels have been rising slowly causing him to be in the emergency room twice over the last 2 1/2 weeks. Once for hydration and second for low blood pressure due to a low hemoglobin score- making him stay over night for 2 pints of blood and a couple of bags of saline.
Today, dad will be at the hospital from 8 am for hydration, then his chemo, then more hydration. Wow. A minor set back? yes! BUT, as Lucie the pharmacist says it is a good thing to prevent the kidneys from not functioning properly.
So, Today, Tomorrow and Friday will be complete days of hospital work. Yay! (I say with sarcasim).
I've been learning that the only way to deal with all of this is to take it as it comes, no need to worry about the final outcome, no need to think the worst and no need to panic at all. Just hope that test scores will come out alright, bodily functions will work as they should and spirits should be kept high. I've also learned that mind set is important.
I will be at work until 12 then joining dad at hospital for his day long excursions... No rest for the wicked, right? Unfortunately I had to switch my work schedule with my collegue- for friday, but what could I do. I must do what I have to do.
In three weeks, and a CT scan later we will find out if things are to be as they should in order to progress to radiation on the lungs. If not ... I am not sure what we are to do. We will find out. I use 'we' because dad is not going to do this alone. He never will!
Until then, I will be sleeping with one eye open, walking on pins and needles and working on my patience. Will I be able to keep it together? I would have no choice. Will dad be alright? I think so. WIll he be able to keep up this circus? I certainly hope so. He is strong willed, strong in spirit, altough weakened by the damn cancer, He will do what he has to do! quote un-quote. Does he need moral support (other than me?) I might say yes. Does he get it? I might say yes. Will he admit that he could use more? I might say no.
We will find a mileu somehow, cooking will be made, cleaning will be done and maybe a good night sleep will ensue for me? hopefully, BUT more importantly and only for dad.
Chin up- eyes wide and hopes held high. Hydration is good. and It's only time.
Today, dad will be at the hospital from 8 am for hydration, then his chemo, then more hydration. Wow. A minor set back? yes! BUT, as Lucie the pharmacist says it is a good thing to prevent the kidneys from not functioning properly.
So, Today, Tomorrow and Friday will be complete days of hospital work. Yay! (I say with sarcasim).
I've been learning that the only way to deal with all of this is to take it as it comes, no need to worry about the final outcome, no need to think the worst and no need to panic at all. Just hope that test scores will come out alright, bodily functions will work as they should and spirits should be kept high. I've also learned that mind set is important.
I will be at work until 12 then joining dad at hospital for his day long excursions... No rest for the wicked, right? Unfortunately I had to switch my work schedule with my collegue- for friday, but what could I do. I must do what I have to do.
In three weeks, and a CT scan later we will find out if things are to be as they should in order to progress to radiation on the lungs. If not ... I am not sure what we are to do. We will find out. I use 'we' because dad is not going to do this alone. He never will!
Until then, I will be sleeping with one eye open, walking on pins and needles and working on my patience. Will I be able to keep it together? I would have no choice. Will dad be alright? I think so. WIll he be able to keep up this circus? I certainly hope so. He is strong willed, strong in spirit, altough weakened by the damn cancer, He will do what he has to do! quote un-quote. Does he need moral support (other than me?) I might say yes. Does he get it? I might say yes. Will he admit that he could use more? I might say no.
We will find a mileu somehow, cooking will be made, cleaning will be done and maybe a good night sleep will ensue for me? hopefully, BUT more importantly and only for dad.
Chin up- eyes wide and hopes held high. Hydration is good. and It's only time.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
There is always time- Right???!
Over the last few weeks I've had many ideas about things to write on this blog, but then didn't write them down... let me tell you they were deep, profound and meaningful.
Today's blog post is about death. Yes I know it's very uplifting isn't it. I would like to know what you all think about death. What happens, how it happens and why? The three major things that have been rattling my little pea size brain for a little while. Since dad has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and is literally more than half way through his chemotherapy treatments, basically overcome the 3 brain tumors that he had, a blood clot in his right leg and is struggling to maintain his appetite- death has been on my mind.
I feel that dad and I are too young to be going though this business, to young to make wills and power of attorney's, too young to be taking an early retirement and to young not to be married with grandchildren running around dad's feet. (I know I don't want children - and think that there is always time-is there though?). There is always time. as I say out loud to myself.
Dad has good bloods, will undergo radiation on his lungs after chemo and will regain his appetite and want to cook again. There is always time. Isn't there?
Where does someone go after they die? I think that our soul, if you want to use that term -lives on until it learns, teachs, lives what it is supposed to learn, live and teach- then moves on to be another soul to teach others. It's something I've always thought and believe in. I would like to know what you out there think about things? Spiritual, or not- what you all believe in is important to me. The one person that I haven't asked is Dad.
I hope he doesn't get mad at me or clam up on me. I really haven't thought about asking dad what he thinks until just now, I haven't thought about when i'll bring it up- however, I think that he wouldn't appreciate me writing about this on a blog... very inpersonal.
PS. Don't watch 6 feet under when someone has cancer in the family... (just trying to make lite of the situation- can't be dark and gloomy ALL THE TIME). esp. under the circumstances.
8:53 pm - watching 6th feet under and it is relevent to my topic above. i will psot my thoughts later.
Today's blog post is about death. Yes I know it's very uplifting isn't it. I would like to know what you all think about death. What happens, how it happens and why? The three major things that have been rattling my little pea size brain for a little while. Since dad has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and is literally more than half way through his chemotherapy treatments, basically overcome the 3 brain tumors that he had, a blood clot in his right leg and is struggling to maintain his appetite- death has been on my mind.
I feel that dad and I are too young to be going though this business, to young to make wills and power of attorney's, too young to be taking an early retirement and to young not to be married with grandchildren running around dad's feet. (I know I don't want children - and think that there is always time-is there though?). There is always time. as I say out loud to myself.
Dad has good bloods, will undergo radiation on his lungs after chemo and will regain his appetite and want to cook again. There is always time. Isn't there?
Where does someone go after they die? I think that our soul, if you want to use that term -lives on until it learns, teachs, lives what it is supposed to learn, live and teach- then moves on to be another soul to teach others. It's something I've always thought and believe in. I would like to know what you out there think about things? Spiritual, or not- what you all believe in is important to me. The one person that I haven't asked is Dad.
I hope he doesn't get mad at me or clam up on me. I really haven't thought about asking dad what he thinks until just now, I haven't thought about when i'll bring it up- however, I think that he wouldn't appreciate me writing about this on a blog... very inpersonal.
PS. Don't watch 6 feet under when someone has cancer in the family... (just trying to make lite of the situation- can't be dark and gloomy ALL THE TIME). esp. under the circumstances.
8:53 pm - watching 6th feet under and it is relevent to my topic above. i will psot my thoughts later.
Monday, July 26, 2010
added to the list-
Fragmin iu/ml
Poor dad. I was concerned about his leg being swollen in one leg only- I am glad I called the hospital. Thanks to dad's nurse, she made things happen so that we didn't have to go to emerg. She's fantastic. HIP HIP HORRAY for Renee!
Dad has to inject himself everyday for at least 30 days with this 15 000 ui dose of fragmin iu/ml. He's becoming a pharmaceutical wonder patient... as his meds are getting expensive and they are loving him i'm sure. he's not loving it though. Thank goodness for insurance.
apart from that, he's still tired and he's still not eating much.. not for the lack of not wanting to but for the fact that he forgets or is out and doesn't think.
He has lost weight though - not much but 8 pounds give or take since the last weighing. NOT GOOD.
Poor dad. I was concerned about his leg being swollen in one leg only- I am glad I called the hospital. Thanks to dad's nurse, she made things happen so that we didn't have to go to emerg. She's fantastic. HIP HIP HORRAY for Renee!
Dad has to inject himself everyday for at least 30 days with this 15 000 ui dose of fragmin iu/ml. He's becoming a pharmaceutical wonder patient... as his meds are getting expensive and they are loving him i'm sure. he's not loving it though. Thank goodness for insurance.
apart from that, he's still tired and he's still not eating much.. not for the lack of not wanting to but for the fact that he forgets or is out and doesn't think.
He has lost weight though - not much but 8 pounds give or take since the last weighing. NOT GOOD.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Faith ?!? Just throwing things out there--
I know what you all are thinking. I am not so sure I know what I'm thinking. Faith has been rattling around my brain for the last couple of months. I am a good person ( relatively (sp?)..) I try to be kind, love, learn from my mistakes, be compassionate, understanding, towards people- how do I justify it? I am drawn to an old way of thinking that I don't fit into, and I am something that, that way of life doesn't support- I believe wholeheartedly that if you believe in something, and will it to be, it will be.
Through patience, practice things will be what they are supposed to be. Am I to question this way of thought because of what I believe, of what we are going through, is something that is against our power, being? Shall I throw my way of life out and go back to the old way of life- to beleive in a power out of our control and accept?
I am not viewing my old faith as bad, or not valid- in fact it has given my alot to think about the last few weeks/ days/ months. I like to think that I have both faiths working for me... however- right now it doesn't feel like it. The only faith that seems to be working for me (my dad is what I mean) is the faith in science. Is science even a faith? I would like to believe that science has been created by a higher being(s) and will help however, without the higher power there would be nothing.
When I was small, I hated going to church because I was forced to go. I didn't understand what it all meant and to be honest church is still a bit fuzzy for me. I know that when I am in a church I am peaceful, a quietness is within- BUT when I am at home practicing my own faith I feel the same way. I am sure that most of you will have something to say about this and I appreciate all opinions...
Faith in any manner of speaking , mindframe or way is something that I will accept right now. The hole at the end of the tunnel is so far away- I could see a light though... which is a good sign, right?
I will struggle with this for a good while as I haven't been able to figure things out ever!
Too many questions, too little answers. Chalk it up to just accepting things- hard to do, but let's give it a go... whaddaya say?
Prayers are accepted and welcomed, thoughts too... as mentioned in earlier posts HUGs are hard... so thank you for the hugs virtually! sounds funny however- me being a puddle of mush isn't productive, in any way whatsoever.
What is it that I always say??? Smile, pharmacy smile style-and just breathe.
Through patience, practice things will be what they are supposed to be. Am I to question this way of thought because of what I believe, of what we are going through, is something that is against our power, being? Shall I throw my way of life out and go back to the old way of life- to beleive in a power out of our control and accept?
I am not viewing my old faith as bad, or not valid- in fact it has given my alot to think about the last few weeks/ days/ months. I like to think that I have both faiths working for me... however- right now it doesn't feel like it. The only faith that seems to be working for me (my dad is what I mean) is the faith in science. Is science even a faith? I would like to believe that science has been created by a higher being(s) and will help however, without the higher power there would be nothing.
When I was small, I hated going to church because I was forced to go. I didn't understand what it all meant and to be honest church is still a bit fuzzy for me. I know that when I am in a church I am peaceful, a quietness is within- BUT when I am at home practicing my own faith I feel the same way. I am sure that most of you will have something to say about this and I appreciate all opinions...
Faith in any manner of speaking , mindframe or way is something that I will accept right now. The hole at the end of the tunnel is so far away- I could see a light though... which is a good sign, right?
I will struggle with this for a good while as I haven't been able to figure things out ever!
Too many questions, too little answers. Chalk it up to just accepting things- hard to do, but let's give it a go... whaddaya say?
Prayers are accepted and welcomed, thoughts too... as mentioned in earlier posts HUGs are hard... so thank you for the hugs virtually! sounds funny however- me being a puddle of mush isn't productive, in any way whatsoever.
What is it that I always say??? Smile, pharmacy smile style-and just breathe.
Blood Pressure problems
Once again dad has finished his second round of neupogen. That means seven days of going to CLSC's to get his injection at roughly the same time every day. This time around Dad has been experiencing low blood pressure. He's been tired these last few days , has cramps in his legs and is basically blah. The nurse at the CLSC told him he should be going to the hospital with his low blood pressure- I think she kinda freaked him out a bit.
Since yesterday he has bought some fruit and I think it might have dawned on him that eating in the afternoon would be a good idea since he is feeling weak. I however will not say a thing- as the nurse at the CLSC told him to eat better and eat in the afternoon. What the heck do I know... ;)
I bought him a blood pressure machine and I assume that he will take it- however I cannot garauntee (sp?) it. At least dad does not have a fever so far... that would not be good. That would mean countless hours in the hospital emergency room which he does not want to be in.
I am concerned because he doesn't sound good. I can't ask him how he feels as he changes subject. So if any of you know how he's feeling then please feel free to let me know.
He's a bugger my dad, a bugger (as my grandma used to call me-)
Since yesterday he has bought some fruit and I think it might have dawned on him that eating in the afternoon would be a good idea since he is feeling weak. I however will not say a thing- as the nurse at the CLSC told him to eat better and eat in the afternoon. What the heck do I know... ;)
I bought him a blood pressure machine and I assume that he will take it- however I cannot garauntee (sp?) it. At least dad does not have a fever so far... that would not be good. That would mean countless hours in the hospital emergency room which he does not want to be in.
I am concerned because he doesn't sound good. I can't ask him how he feels as he changes subject. So if any of you know how he's feeling then please feel free to let me know.
He's a bugger my dad, a bugger (as my grandma used to call me-)
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