One Month & A Day

I always say 'I'll love you forever and a day'. It is just a figure of speech when I want something... silly you know? Like 'if you wait a few more minutes- I'll love you forever and a day' that type of thing... It's been one month and a day since Dad died, and it feels like forever and a day.

Everyone is worried about me, and there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. I have the strength of my mother in me and i 'm tough as nails. kinda.

I have my moments and my weaknesses that tend to get the better of me when i'm alone.. that's the way I like it.

I don't like it when people expect to see me cry or want to talk about my father's death like it's a story off the headlines in the gazette. I don't like it- Most of you reading and sharing my life, i'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a handful of people who relish in the fact that people suffer at the loss of their loved ones. I am not one of those people. Yes dad suffered, yes dad was a great man and Yes he had wonderful friends- If you had to ask then you weren't once of them.. so there.

I am ok, I miss him, I hate the fact that he isn't here to talk to, to talk about the hockey game, of how he's talked to the guys at work or saw the girls at the hospital, or how my day went, I hate the fact that he's not here to tell me his latest recipe he made with the fish that Mr. Hearn gave him or how good the fish was.. (even though he knew I disliked fish). I miss him saying that mom kept him on the phone forever (and getting a beep that mom's on the other line saying the same thing...)

one day at a time is what they say? Who are they anyway. It hasn't gotten better, the emptiness hasn't gone away or lessened. Don't know what else to say? But, i'm OK.

The sun came out today

Today I was convinced to go to a rodeo fair, as hesitant that I was to go, I had a nice time. I raised a glass with my friend Suzy in memory of my dad- the sun came out- there is not a shread of doubt that dad was behind the sun shining on us today.

I miss him on sundays - that was the day that we always spent together since I was a little girl. We'd go to movies, do breakfast, have dinner, go shoping or just hang out, go for coffee or a drink. I miss my sundays with my dad like crazy.

As time passes, I realize more and more that this is the time for some changes. The world has a mysterious way of working and the energy around me these days has been great. I feel a change happening within me and have seen direct results of some changes that occured. It feels good to know that the strength inside of me hasen't left me - it was dormant. I do feel the urge to take pictures and cook now, it's only been a month or so since dad was admitted to emerg and died, I feel that it's not long enough to mourn but I know that I cannot coocoon myself nor would dad want me to.

Raise a glass of something you love and toast to the best dad ever. Here's a pic of dad and I when I was little

Cheers

Another day

Is this what it feels like to feel lonely? I've never felt like this before, there is an emptiness, a sense of loss and disconnectedness with those around me. I went back to work yesterday after a good couple of weeks off and well, I just don't have the desire to go back to work, I don't want to pretend to be happy, to tell people what they want to hear and I don't like lying to those I care for and love. I want to tell everyone that I am sad as hell and angry that dad is not around anymore to call, to go for breakfast with, to have a beer with, bug or just chat about the latest trade, or check into the boards... I want to be able to call him and just to hear his voice again.

I have to do a few more things before the estate is settled and well I just wish it'd all go away and be done with.

It is probably normal to feel this way and well I don't care for it at all - if you ask me. That said, dealing and moving on is all I could do. I could continue to say what people want to hear and just deal... Pharmacy smile all the way.

Empty... is what I feel, is all.

What now?

It is time to clean out my dad's appartment. I know it must be done and that the landlord will need to have the place clean for a new tennant.... I feel that i'm violating my dad's privacy. Everynow and then I feel like he's here telling me not to throw this/that out. Once his apt. is cleaned out it'll be a relief however, i'll be sadder.

Uncle Edgar has been an angel sent from wherever angels come from. He's been a huge help and just to know that he's there to help me clean out apt., bring me to do some things in record time... OMG not sure how i'd do all of it with out him. Then there's my mom. She's the queen of angels. she's kept me level headed through out this ordeal, she's kept me strong and believe me when I say strong- stronger than ever. she's cleaned my place, kept me laughing and crying sometimes- ( we have our moments) and most of all she's been here for me... I can't tell you how blessed I am. Not only for the uncle, aunts, cousins, step-dad or mom that I have- I am blessed to have had the father that I had. I am at a loss for words as to what dad would say at this time but I know it's be something good.

...

May 19th, 2011-

Today my father died. I am really sad and I can't cry anymore. I want to take back the last year and a half and start over- so that he wouldn't be sick the way he was. Or would I? He'd have been sick anyhow with this despicable disease.

My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.

He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started

I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's

I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-

and I will remember him this way

I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.

Chemo Day

Today was the first day of dad's 2nd round of chemo. I will need to get the names straight but I think the chemo is CAV. It is given one day every 3 weeks and I sure hope the second treatment goes better than this one. It has been a long road so far but shorter than we thought. The chemo treatment has been changed from the previous protocol because it was too soon to start it up again. If I understand it correctly, the same protocol can be given only if it has been more than 6 months after the last treatment. It is too soon. So the new CAV treatment has started and dad must undergo a MUGA SCAN just to see if his heart is strong enough...

Dad, Of course, didn't eat this morning and is weak. He was wobbly after treatment and has had trouble walking - more than usual. He made it though and refuses to sleep in the spare bedroom as the hockey game is on in the living room... so, he will sleep on the couch. - Brand new bed in the room and dad is sleeping on the sofa... Go figure... Let me just say that he is stubborn. :)

I am a little (ok alot) concerned about this treatment because if he is going to get weaker and weaker then he'll need to move in with me and to this date he refuses to. Not sure how i'll get him to make that decision but i'll keep on it.

Between you (my 9 faithful followers) and I, dad looks old now and is skin and bones. I touched his shoulder and his back and holy moses he's basically just bones with a thin coating of skin. I want to make him eat, drink and eat some more... fatten him up. This damn F&*@&)G desease is a wicked and stupid and pathetic and is well, bull crap!!! If I were to meet this Cancer I'd blow it up to smitherines.... Rat B@*@&ard. Ok I'm done swearing now and sorry for that to those of you who don't appreciate swearting- It feels good to swear as it's the only thing I feel I could do.

May 24th Next session of this 2nd round of chemo.

An Emotional Wreck

I think that Dad and I about to blow a gasckit. There were times when I though that we would pull through this and be happy and merry and definitly cancer free...

not on your life- or mine - or dads. It Sucks. plain and simple.

I will mention that i'm kinda freaking out now, but I have been on auto pilot since Thursday 10 am. I have yet to sit and think about it, mind you , I have done nothing but think about it. It will get worse before all of this is over and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It sucks.

I have yet to talk to dad about how I feel for I fear that if he knows that i'm freaking out he'll get down and that won't help his moral in the whole Chemo situation. I need him to be strong, I need him to eat and drink and I would like it if he'd move in BUT he refuses to move in and he is trying to eat and drink as much as he can, and he is. I'm happy about that.

Let me back track a bit. A while back dad said he had a bad feeling about the MRI and CT scan that he just had. He was right. Thursday morning he had an apt. with Dr. P and the news was not good.

- He has water in the lung, 'the right hemithroax' and the nodes are 'markedly larger' as well as 50% water on the lung... (holy crap -i'm thinkin') they can't take out the water as there is also air in there. I am not sure what that means.

- there is also 'multiple low attenuation nodules scattered through out both lobes of the liver consistent with metastases increased from previous.' Damn, Joy oh Joy!!!

-Dr. P said that I shouldn't be worried about that right now, that he knows that I like to keep copies of all tests and reports - that's why he gave me the 'final report on CT SCAN THROAX, ABDOMEN AND PELVIS C+' report. The Chemo will take care of all of that... (oh my).

- The other option would be to DO NOTHING (quote -un-quote) and wait a couple of months and see.
UMMMMM, NO! Dad didn't quite understand why the Dr. gave 2 options because the second would be pointless "what's the point? That's stupid, we'll do chemo!". All the while I'm trying not to throw everything off Dr.P's desk and out the window.

It has been almost a complete year to the day that Dr. P wanted to schedule Chemotherapy. Last year he wanted to start Chemo on May 3rd it was a Monday and my Birthday. But something changed the Dr's mind and he had to schedule more tests and then made the chemo start on June 1st 2010.

Dad starts chemo (with apparently some minor changes to the chemo regime) on May 2nd and has 3 sessions - Tuesday and Wednesday.

It begins.