My way of dealing with my fathers death is by remembering him everyday and trying to live by his example. But sometimes life gets the better of me when I see or hear things that don't seem right to me - I have to remember that it's not worth getting upset about, not worth worrying about because in the long run I only have myself to rely on. I was once told by my mother to worry about myself and everything else will fall into place. I have to rely on my mother's wisdome and sense...
Uncle Sonny passed away and it through me for a loop when I found out yesterday. He was a kind man, a funny one too. He was the life of the party in my eyes. I always enjoyed being around him because as a kid he made me laugh. He also had the bluest eyes i've ever seen or looked into. I will remember him fondly. And take comfort that dad has his buddy with him. Dad has quite a few friends and family surrounding him up there and knowing that makes me smile in a weird kind of way. Dad's probably sitting at the 'heavenly bar and grill' with Uncle Sonny, Grandma, my grandfater Dick, Pap, Aunt Paul, daddy Pete, Paul Marie, Peter, Mary and Al, not to mention scores of his other friends that have passed on. I can only imagine the talk, the party, the music... Love em all. It also comforts me to know that they are all watching over us, meaning my family and I.
I will take my father down to NS and bury him with Aunt Margaret with the least possible amount of problems. If it's just me and dad that's it, then that's it! No questions asked. No qualms and definitly no bullshit. That said... I can sleep at night.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
time I guess...
I find myself at a loss these days. My two best friends are away on vacation and although I have other wonderful friends- I find myself missing them more than ever. Y&P are off to see family in T. S is away with her son J for his 18th Birthday in Cuba no doubt. I hope they all are having some fun.
I have been surrounding myself with other friends and keeping myself busy wandering the streets of MTL in look out for some great shots. I went to the Biodome and Botanical Gardens with F & M yesterday- Kept me busy and god love them, the put up with me taking all those photos (stop and shoot, stop and shoot...).
Trying to get in the swing of things has left me grappling to catch on to something solid. with the will going into probate (not sure if that's the correct terminology?) and trying to figure out the best time to go to NS for Dad's burial - plane tickets and vacation time for the girls at work etc... i'm just thinking of NOT doing anything at all and screw it all until next year.
BUT.. do I want to leave Dad in the funeral home for a year? He deserves better. Do I want to handle all of this? NOPE.
Some thank you cards have been written and sent however, there are tons more. Sorry for the delay everyone.
Since I didn't make it to Shane's concert at the Jazz fest this year I am looking to keep the tradition alive by staying in touch with Mr & Mrs. M and some of dad's friends. They are so kind. But am having a hard time wanting to make the time to see them. It hurts.
But as the cliche goes ---> life goes on.
I have been surrounding myself with other friends and keeping myself busy wandering the streets of MTL in look out for some great shots. I went to the Biodome and Botanical Gardens with F & M yesterday- Kept me busy and god love them, the put up with me taking all those photos (stop and shoot, stop and shoot...).
Trying to get in the swing of things has left me grappling to catch on to something solid. with the will going into probate (not sure if that's the correct terminology?) and trying to figure out the best time to go to NS for Dad's burial - plane tickets and vacation time for the girls at work etc... i'm just thinking of NOT doing anything at all and screw it all until next year.
BUT.. do I want to leave Dad in the funeral home for a year? He deserves better. Do I want to handle all of this? NOPE.
Some thank you cards have been written and sent however, there are tons more. Sorry for the delay everyone.
Since I didn't make it to Shane's concert at the Jazz fest this year I am looking to keep the tradition alive by staying in touch with Mr & Mrs. M and some of dad's friends. They are so kind. But am having a hard time wanting to make the time to see them. It hurts.
But as the cliche goes ---> life goes on.
Monday, June 20, 2011
One Month & A Day
I always say 'I'll love you forever and a day'. It is just a figure of speech when I want something... silly you know? Like 'if you wait a few more minutes- I'll love you forever and a day' that type of thing... It's been one month and a day since Dad died, and it feels like forever and a day.
Everyone is worried about me, and there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. I have the strength of my mother in me and i 'm tough as nails. kinda.
I have my moments and my weaknesses that tend to get the better of me when i'm alone.. that's the way I like it.
I don't like it when people expect to see me cry or want to talk about my father's death like it's a story off the headlines in the gazette. I don't like it- Most of you reading and sharing my life, i'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a handful of people who relish in the fact that people suffer at the loss of their loved ones. I am not one of those people. Yes dad suffered, yes dad was a great man and Yes he had wonderful friends- If you had to ask then you weren't once of them.. so there.
I am ok, I miss him, I hate the fact that he isn't here to talk to, to talk about the hockey game, of how he's talked to the guys at work or saw the girls at the hospital, or how my day went, I hate the fact that he's not here to tell me his latest recipe he made with the fish that Mr. Hearn gave him or how good the fish was.. (even though he knew I disliked fish). I miss him saying that mom kept him on the phone forever (and getting a beep that mom's on the other line saying the same thing...)
one day at a time is what they say? Who are they anyway. It hasn't gotten better, the emptiness hasn't gone away or lessened. Don't know what else to say? But, i'm OK.
Everyone is worried about me, and there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. I have the strength of my mother in me and i 'm tough as nails. kinda.
I have my moments and my weaknesses that tend to get the better of me when i'm alone.. that's the way I like it.
I don't like it when people expect to see me cry or want to talk about my father's death like it's a story off the headlines in the gazette. I don't like it- Most of you reading and sharing my life, i'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a handful of people who relish in the fact that people suffer at the loss of their loved ones. I am not one of those people. Yes dad suffered, yes dad was a great man and Yes he had wonderful friends- If you had to ask then you weren't once of them.. so there.
I am ok, I miss him, I hate the fact that he isn't here to talk to, to talk about the hockey game, of how he's talked to the guys at work or saw the girls at the hospital, or how my day went, I hate the fact that he's not here to tell me his latest recipe he made with the fish that Mr. Hearn gave him or how good the fish was.. (even though he knew I disliked fish). I miss him saying that mom kept him on the phone forever (and getting a beep that mom's on the other line saying the same thing...)
one day at a time is what they say? Who are they anyway. It hasn't gotten better, the emptiness hasn't gone away or lessened. Don't know what else to say? But, i'm OK.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The sun came out today
Today I was convinced to go to a rodeo fair, as hesitant that I was to go, I had a nice time. I raised a glass with my friend Suzy in memory of my dad- the sun came out- there is not a shread of doubt that dad was behind the sun shining on us today.
I miss him on sundays - that was the day that we always spent together since I was a little girl. We'd go to movies, do breakfast, have dinner, go shoping or just hang out, go for coffee or a drink. I miss my sundays with my dad like crazy.
As time passes, I realize more and more that this is the time for some changes. The world has a mysterious way of working and the energy around me these days has been great. I feel a change happening within me and have seen direct results of some changes that occured. It feels good to know that the strength inside of me hasen't left me - it was dormant. I do feel the urge to take pictures and cook now, it's only been a month or so since dad was admitted to emerg and died, I feel that it's not long enough to mourn but I know that I cannot coocoon myself nor would dad want me to.
Raise a glass of something you love and toast to the best dad ever. Here's a pic of dad and I when I was little
Cheers
I miss him on sundays - that was the day that we always spent together since I was a little girl. We'd go to movies, do breakfast, have dinner, go shoping or just hang out, go for coffee or a drink. I miss my sundays with my dad like crazy.
As time passes, I realize more and more that this is the time for some changes. The world has a mysterious way of working and the energy around me these days has been great. I feel a change happening within me and have seen direct results of some changes that occured. It feels good to know that the strength inside of me hasen't left me - it was dormant. I do feel the urge to take pictures and cook now, it's only been a month or so since dad was admitted to emerg and died, I feel that it's not long enough to mourn but I know that I cannot coocoon myself nor would dad want me to.
Raise a glass of something you love and toast to the best dad ever. Here's a pic of dad and I when I was little
Cheers
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Another day
Is this what it feels like to feel lonely? I've never felt like this before, there is an emptiness, a sense of loss and disconnectedness with those around me. I went back to work yesterday after a good couple of weeks off and well, I just don't have the desire to go back to work, I don't want to pretend to be happy, to tell people what they want to hear and I don't like lying to those I care for and love. I want to tell everyone that I am sad as hell and angry that dad is not around anymore to call, to go for breakfast with, to have a beer with, bug or just chat about the latest trade, or check into the boards... I want to be able to call him and just to hear his voice again.
I have to do a few more things before the estate is settled and well I just wish it'd all go away and be done with.
It is probably normal to feel this way and well I don't care for it at all - if you ask me. That said, dealing and moving on is all I could do. I could continue to say what people want to hear and just deal... Pharmacy smile all the way.
Empty... is what I feel, is all.
I have to do a few more things before the estate is settled and well I just wish it'd all go away and be done with.
It is probably normal to feel this way and well I don't care for it at all - if you ask me. That said, dealing and moving on is all I could do. I could continue to say what people want to hear and just deal... Pharmacy smile all the way.
Empty... is what I feel, is all.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
What now?
It is time to clean out my dad's appartment. I know it must be done and that the landlord will need to have the place clean for a new tennant.... I feel that i'm violating my dad's privacy. Everynow and then I feel like he's here telling me not to throw this/that out. Once his apt. is cleaned out it'll be a relief however, i'll be sadder.
Uncle Edgar has been an angel sent from wherever angels come from. He's been a huge help and just to know that he's there to help me clean out apt., bring me to do some things in record time... OMG not sure how i'd do all of it with out him. Then there's my mom. She's the queen of angels. she's kept me level headed through out this ordeal, she's kept me strong and believe me when I say strong- stronger than ever. she's cleaned my place, kept me laughing and crying sometimes- ( we have our moments) and most of all she's been here for me... I can't tell you how blessed I am. Not only for the uncle, aunts, cousins, step-dad or mom that I have- I am blessed to have had the father that I had. I am at a loss for words as to what dad would say at this time but I know it's be something good.
...
Uncle Edgar has been an angel sent from wherever angels come from. He's been a huge help and just to know that he's there to help me clean out apt., bring me to do some things in record time... OMG not sure how i'd do all of it with out him. Then there's my mom. She's the queen of angels. she's kept me level headed through out this ordeal, she's kept me strong and believe me when I say strong- stronger than ever. she's cleaned my place, kept me laughing and crying sometimes- ( we have our moments) and most of all she's been here for me... I can't tell you how blessed I am. Not only for the uncle, aunts, cousins, step-dad or mom that I have- I am blessed to have had the father that I had. I am at a loss for words as to what dad would say at this time but I know it's be something good.
...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
May 19th, 2011-
Today my father died. I am really sad and I can't cry anymore. I want to take back the last year and a half and start over- so that he wouldn't be sick the way he was. Or would I? He'd have been sick anyhow with this despicable disease.
My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.
He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started
I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's
I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-
and I will remember him this way
I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.
My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.
He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started
I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's
I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-
and I will remember him this way
I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)