This afternoon I had lunch with my father (I had lunch - dad had 1/2 a bowl of soup). Dad mentioned that he was thinking about all of the food he has been wasting - he doesn't have the desire to cook anymore. He told me that he will eat canned goods or stuff that I make for him. My thoughts were:
1. it'll sit in the freezer like my spagetti sauce
2. he'll make it, and then not want to eat it, then throw it out
...
This broke open the conversation that I've been trying to have with him for some time now.
"Dad when are you going to come live with me? I've got the spare bedroom, the appartment is warm, you won't be alone and you will have food on the table!- you won't have to cook"
Dad's reply was "I don't know, What will i do with all my stuff? well it's just the TV, my couch and some of my clothes- Not much come to think of it"
Done! Problem solved.. I think.
The loss of dad's independance is not something that I want to happen. I want him to eat, to drink and be merry. By drinking I mean - fluids, not beer and so far he isn't drinking either. I do not want to force him into making a decision he will regret nor do i want to make one that both of us will regret. I must re-evaluate my priorities and own up to them. This is a no brainer and yet it will be a major life adjustment for me, more so for my father.
Who's scared??? who? ME that's who! scared shitless!
I've been living on my own since 21 and now I'm soon to be 37. Could I possibly think of this situation getting worse? Yes. I'm not talking about me getting a room mate- my dad- I'm talking about all the horrible things that could be in the near future. I wish I could bail and basically take the easy way out. Or have a sibling to throw my hands up in the air and say "you deal with it" or better yet-be the dynamic duo that we once were. I would love that. But our relationship has changed- in a different way. He is dependant on me so much now, to the point of being annoying sometimes, and yet he doesn't want to bother me much... It's a catch 22 situation. I don't want to give up my life to deal with this stuff and I am and will do so because this is my dad we are talking about here. I love him. I don't want him to have this stupid small cell lung cancer, I want him to be able to go back to work and play darts like he used to, to cook every night like he was expecting a table for 6... I want to not worry that he won't wake up in the morning, that his throat doesn't hurt or that he'll be coughing up blood soon- Hell, I'ld even cook fish for him if that's what it'll take! But this i'm afraid is not so.
And so it is.. When dad is ready in the near future, he'll be living with me. We'll be two pea's in a pod, roomies, or we'll drive each other nuts- one or the other BUT dad will have fresh sheets on his bed, clean PJ's to wear and something to eat, a clean bathroom and RDS to catch the game.
Could I manage this? I don't think it's a choice. Yes, I can... like the little train that could... Yes I can.
