Christmas 2011

The question remains - How do I feel about this christmas without my father?

Last year this time I was having chinese food with my dad because it was too late to cook a turkey and he did not want anything to eat. I spent the evening watching a Mordeci Richler special on Bravo. Dad seemed to enjoy it very much.

Seeing as he wasn't feeling well, he went to bed and tried to be a trooper for me... I was tired too so it really didn't matter if I was in a festive mood or not. Had I given it much thought I would have taken more pictures, had more in depth conversations about everything, the family, us (him and I) and life's turbulent outcomes... But all dad wanted to do is stay warm and spend time with me. I miss him so much it hurts, I want to talk to him and I want to hold his hand and hug him but I can't any more. I can't anymore.

Damn it to hell, I miss him. Damn it to hell.


that's how I feel-

alot has changed

Alot has changed in the last couple of months and grieving for Dad hasen't subsided. Last week was a bad week for me. I am not sure why but the tears wouldn't stop and although I look happy and as pleasant as I could have been, I had a really hard time.

Hockey season has started and I have no desire to get involved. There isn't any breakfasts with dad anymore, no more 'did you see that hit? did you think it was a legal one?' or ' Wow! Carey really missed or saved that shot - ' or just banter about the game. I have many friends who are all about talking hockey, I love em, but it ain't Dad, or Dickers as I sometime called him.

A friend of mine is back in town and I was so happy to see her, the first thing I though was 'wait till dad hears she's back!' then I realized - oh wait, my bad. She is a friend that my father adored. To be honest, my dad loved all of my friends. He had nick names for them all too, well most of them. It was his thing. Now that I think of it, it's kinda silly and funny at the same time.

I have since quit my job (I finish in December), almost finished the 2 classes I am taking and well my point is 'what would my fater think of all this?" The more I think of it, the more I beleive he would be behind me. There wasn't a question of that but I doubt myself.

I am not sure what the future holds for me but I do know that dad is watching over and guiding me. I must beleive this to get over his loss. I need to beleive this. Dad would say "c'est la vie" with a sigh to his words... he didn't speak french but that's what he would say.

My sleeping patterns have yet to change, that's why I write at odd hours. However I managed to pull off a few good hours last night. Yay for me.

I write to let things out, it might be repetative or boring for most of you to read, but it helps me sort though the thoughts and memories I have. Bear with me.

Game tonight, wonder if Souban will take out Marchand or instigate most of the night... Dad would say 'he'll instigate, boy can he instigate'.

To those who've lost to the retched 'C'.

'Cancer took him but he didn't give in...' Cbc news- Discussing Jack Layton's death from cancer.

I do feel helpless. I was asked not to long ago - 'how do you justify your loss'? (in relation to my dad's death) Huh? I still don't understand that question. Jack Layton's death sets the sadness deeper. I have never met the man- I did however vote for him. I sympathize with his family and friends on thier loss and wonder 'how they justify his death'. Could they possibly answer that question in their time of sadness? I would love to know how if possible, could they answer that question.

I do know that the sadness sets and is like a splinter to remove- if ever. It sets itself in some tissue, and skin and needs to be worked and pried to be let go... Jeezus, it's painful and very uneasy to deal with. But eventually you get that piece that sticks in you and you deal.

I wish for JL's family and friends that the splinter is not stuck in too deep that cannot be removed before too long; That the hurt is not too painful, the memories stronger than the pain and that his love will prevail all. Love him, remember him and never forget him. My words of wisdome. I wish that for everyone who has loved and lost someone close to them to the retched C.

Some time has passed

I'm up early this morning. This is nothing new in my life as 2 am is the norm, lately it's been 5 am. I've decided to make the best of the situation and run with it. This is all new to me as I don't like change and under the circumstances lately I've had nothing but change. Many things go through my mind and I've never put things into action- well not the little things. I've just learned in my 37 years of existance that it's the little things that make all the difference.

These little things are very little but as of late, I realize that they are HUGE- to me anyhow.

The changes in my life are few but have become important to me...

I've started saving my money. Yeah I know what you all are going to say- You are 37 years old and don't have any money saved... you're telling me.

My toonie collection has grown to a fairly decent amount. :) I love toonies. silly I know but it makes my day to know that I didn't spend them on stupid things.

I've decided to take a couple of courses at Concordia to keep busy. I am going stur crazy and I want to further my knowledge on photography (my passion), so, i've enrolled in a program 'Diploma in Photography' at the continuing education center. I am not sure that I will be a good photographer but seeing as I love taking photos and I have an AMAZING camera I will learn everything about it...
I have been not doing anything really and life is too short to sit still. I've done that long enough.

I'm going to New York City with one of my oldest and dear friends... G and I are heading to the Big Apple and we will take NYC by storm. Or atleast we will try. I'm soooooooo excited to catch up and just beat around the city with her. Hit a camera store and a restaurants or two... coffee at 'Serindipity' maybe, crash some open markets and anything that strikes our fancy! So there!

I've made another decision- after much delay and alot of talk, I've joined the YMCA. My friend C and I are hoping to get into a routine that suits us well and we will reach our goal and hit the mark on how fit each of us want to become. I know I will work at it... Also, i'm hoping that it will allow me to sleep at night. I'm stoked.

As I said earlier, I have made decisions and hopefully they will be sound decisions and work in my favor- I don't see how they would not. :)

Now If I were a beauty pagent contestant I'd say that I want to save the world and stop hunger... which would be nice... I will concentrate on starting with me and then work outward.

I know that dad would be proud of me for these decisions and tell me that 'It's about time you do something!' I feel his presence in these decisions- or maybe with him not here now, he's the reason for these decisions. I don't know. But I do know that He's definitly one of the reasons for these changes.

It's gorgeous here today, the sun is strong and there is a nice breeze rustling the leaves on the trees a little. Dad would be so all over that!

I continue to miss him and constantly talk to him (in my head of course) and seek his advice often. I think that it is normal to do these things and I don't care what others say.

He will be at rest soon enough and life will go on. I will forever miss him, My Father. I will be ok.

In good hands

My way of dealing with my fathers death is by remembering him everyday and trying to live by his example. But sometimes life gets the better of me when I see or hear things that don't seem right to me - I have to remember that it's not worth getting upset about, not worth worrying about because in the long run I only have myself to rely on. I was once told by my mother to worry about myself and everything else will fall into place. I have to rely on my mother's wisdome and sense...

Uncle Sonny passed away and it through me for a loop when I found out yesterday. He was a kind man, a funny one too. He was the life of the party in my eyes. I always enjoyed being around him because as a kid he made me laugh. He also had the bluest eyes i've ever seen or looked into. I will remember him fondly. And take comfort that dad has his buddy with him. Dad has quite a few friends and family surrounding him up there and knowing that makes me smile in a weird kind of way. Dad's probably sitting at the 'heavenly bar and grill' with Uncle Sonny, Grandma, my grandfater Dick, Pap, Aunt Paul, daddy Pete, Paul Marie, Peter, Mary and Al, not to mention scores of his other friends that have passed on. I can only imagine the talk, the party, the music... Love em all. It also comforts me to know that they are all watching over us, meaning my family and I.

I will take my father down to NS and bury him with Aunt Margaret with the least possible amount of problems. If it's just me and dad that's it, then that's it! No questions asked. No qualms and definitly no bullshit. That said... I can sleep at night.

time I guess...

I find myself at a loss these days. My two best friends are away on vacation and although I have other wonderful friends- I find myself missing them more than ever. Y&P are off to see family in T. S is away with her son J for his 18th Birthday in Cuba no doubt. I hope they all are having some fun.

I have been surrounding myself with other friends and keeping myself busy wandering the streets of MTL in look out for some great shots. I went to the Biodome and Botanical Gardens with F & M yesterday- Kept me busy and god love them, the put up with me taking all those photos (stop and shoot, stop and shoot...).

Trying to get in the swing of things has left me grappling to catch on to something solid. with the will going into probate (not sure if that's the correct terminology?) and trying to figure out the best time to go to NS for Dad's burial - plane tickets and vacation time for the girls at work etc... i'm just thinking of NOT doing anything at all and screw it all until next year.
BUT.. do I want to leave Dad in the funeral home for a year? He deserves better. Do I want to handle all of this? NOPE.

Some thank you cards have been written and sent however, there are tons more. Sorry for the delay everyone.

Since I didn't make it to Shane's concert at the Jazz fest this year I am looking to keep the tradition alive by staying in touch with Mr & Mrs. M and some of dad's friends. They are so kind. But am having a hard time wanting to make the time to see them. It hurts.

But as the cliche goes ---> life goes on.

One Month & A Day

I always say 'I'll love you forever and a day'. It is just a figure of speech when I want something... silly you know? Like 'if you wait a few more minutes- I'll love you forever and a day' that type of thing... It's been one month and a day since Dad died, and it feels like forever and a day.

Everyone is worried about me, and there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. I have the strength of my mother in me and i 'm tough as nails. kinda.

I have my moments and my weaknesses that tend to get the better of me when i'm alone.. that's the way I like it.

I don't like it when people expect to see me cry or want to talk about my father's death like it's a story off the headlines in the gazette. I don't like it- Most of you reading and sharing my life, i'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a handful of people who relish in the fact that people suffer at the loss of their loved ones. I am not one of those people. Yes dad suffered, yes dad was a great man and Yes he had wonderful friends- If you had to ask then you weren't once of them.. so there.

I am ok, I miss him, I hate the fact that he isn't here to talk to, to talk about the hockey game, of how he's talked to the guys at work or saw the girls at the hospital, or how my day went, I hate the fact that he's not here to tell me his latest recipe he made with the fish that Mr. Hearn gave him or how good the fish was.. (even though he knew I disliked fish). I miss him saying that mom kept him on the phone forever (and getting a beep that mom's on the other line saying the same thing...)

one day at a time is what they say? Who are they anyway. It hasn't gotten better, the emptiness hasn't gone away or lessened. Don't know what else to say? But, i'm OK.

The sun came out today

Today I was convinced to go to a rodeo fair, as hesitant that I was to go, I had a nice time. I raised a glass with my friend Suzy in memory of my dad- the sun came out- there is not a shread of doubt that dad was behind the sun shining on us today.

I miss him on sundays - that was the day that we always spent together since I was a little girl. We'd go to movies, do breakfast, have dinner, go shoping or just hang out, go for coffee or a drink. I miss my sundays with my dad like crazy.

As time passes, I realize more and more that this is the time for some changes. The world has a mysterious way of working and the energy around me these days has been great. I feel a change happening within me and have seen direct results of some changes that occured. It feels good to know that the strength inside of me hasen't left me - it was dormant. I do feel the urge to take pictures and cook now, it's only been a month or so since dad was admitted to emerg and died, I feel that it's not long enough to mourn but I know that I cannot coocoon myself nor would dad want me to.

Raise a glass of something you love and toast to the best dad ever. Here's a pic of dad and I when I was little

Cheers

Another day

Is this what it feels like to feel lonely? I've never felt like this before, there is an emptiness, a sense of loss and disconnectedness with those around me. I went back to work yesterday after a good couple of weeks off and well, I just don't have the desire to go back to work, I don't want to pretend to be happy, to tell people what they want to hear and I don't like lying to those I care for and love. I want to tell everyone that I am sad as hell and angry that dad is not around anymore to call, to go for breakfast with, to have a beer with, bug or just chat about the latest trade, or check into the boards... I want to be able to call him and just to hear his voice again.

I have to do a few more things before the estate is settled and well I just wish it'd all go away and be done with.

It is probably normal to feel this way and well I don't care for it at all - if you ask me. That said, dealing and moving on is all I could do. I could continue to say what people want to hear and just deal... Pharmacy smile all the way.

Empty... is what I feel, is all.

What now?

It is time to clean out my dad's appartment. I know it must be done and that the landlord will need to have the place clean for a new tennant.... I feel that i'm violating my dad's privacy. Everynow and then I feel like he's here telling me not to throw this/that out. Once his apt. is cleaned out it'll be a relief however, i'll be sadder.

Uncle Edgar has been an angel sent from wherever angels come from. He's been a huge help and just to know that he's there to help me clean out apt., bring me to do some things in record time... OMG not sure how i'd do all of it with out him. Then there's my mom. She's the queen of angels. she's kept me level headed through out this ordeal, she's kept me strong and believe me when I say strong- stronger than ever. she's cleaned my place, kept me laughing and crying sometimes- ( we have our moments) and most of all she's been here for me... I can't tell you how blessed I am. Not only for the uncle, aunts, cousins, step-dad or mom that I have- I am blessed to have had the father that I had. I am at a loss for words as to what dad would say at this time but I know it's be something good.

...

May 19th, 2011-

Today my father died. I am really sad and I can't cry anymore. I want to take back the last year and a half and start over- so that he wouldn't be sick the way he was. Or would I? He'd have been sick anyhow with this despicable disease.

My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.

He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started

I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's

I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-

and I will remember him this way

I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.

Chemo Day

Today was the first day of dad's 2nd round of chemo. I will need to get the names straight but I think the chemo is CAV. It is given one day every 3 weeks and I sure hope the second treatment goes better than this one. It has been a long road so far but shorter than we thought. The chemo treatment has been changed from the previous protocol because it was too soon to start it up again. If I understand it correctly, the same protocol can be given only if it has been more than 6 months after the last treatment. It is too soon. So the new CAV treatment has started and dad must undergo a MUGA SCAN just to see if his heart is strong enough...

Dad, Of course, didn't eat this morning and is weak. He was wobbly after treatment and has had trouble walking - more than usual. He made it though and refuses to sleep in the spare bedroom as the hockey game is on in the living room... so, he will sleep on the couch. - Brand new bed in the room and dad is sleeping on the sofa... Go figure... Let me just say that he is stubborn. :)

I am a little (ok alot) concerned about this treatment because if he is going to get weaker and weaker then he'll need to move in with me and to this date he refuses to. Not sure how i'll get him to make that decision but i'll keep on it.

Between you (my 9 faithful followers) and I, dad looks old now and is skin and bones. I touched his shoulder and his back and holy moses he's basically just bones with a thin coating of skin. I want to make him eat, drink and eat some more... fatten him up. This damn F&*@&)G desease is a wicked and stupid and pathetic and is well, bull crap!!! If I were to meet this Cancer I'd blow it up to smitherines.... Rat B@*@&ard. Ok I'm done swearing now and sorry for that to those of you who don't appreciate swearting- It feels good to swear as it's the only thing I feel I could do.

May 24th Next session of this 2nd round of chemo.

An Emotional Wreck

I think that Dad and I about to blow a gasckit. There were times when I though that we would pull through this and be happy and merry and definitly cancer free...

not on your life- or mine - or dads. It Sucks. plain and simple.

I will mention that i'm kinda freaking out now, but I have been on auto pilot since Thursday 10 am. I have yet to sit and think about it, mind you , I have done nothing but think about it. It will get worse before all of this is over and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It sucks.

I have yet to talk to dad about how I feel for I fear that if he knows that i'm freaking out he'll get down and that won't help his moral in the whole Chemo situation. I need him to be strong, I need him to eat and drink and I would like it if he'd move in BUT he refuses to move in and he is trying to eat and drink as much as he can, and he is. I'm happy about that.

Let me back track a bit. A while back dad said he had a bad feeling about the MRI and CT scan that he just had. He was right. Thursday morning he had an apt. with Dr. P and the news was not good.

- He has water in the lung, 'the right hemithroax' and the nodes are 'markedly larger' as well as 50% water on the lung... (holy crap -i'm thinkin') they can't take out the water as there is also air in there. I am not sure what that means.

- there is also 'multiple low attenuation nodules scattered through out both lobes of the liver consistent with metastases increased from previous.' Damn, Joy oh Joy!!!

-Dr. P said that I shouldn't be worried about that right now, that he knows that I like to keep copies of all tests and reports - that's why he gave me the 'final report on CT SCAN THROAX, ABDOMEN AND PELVIS C+' report. The Chemo will take care of all of that... (oh my).

- The other option would be to DO NOTHING (quote -un-quote) and wait a couple of months and see.
UMMMMM, NO! Dad didn't quite understand why the Dr. gave 2 options because the second would be pointless "what's the point? That's stupid, we'll do chemo!". All the while I'm trying not to throw everything off Dr.P's desk and out the window.

It has been almost a complete year to the day that Dr. P wanted to schedule Chemotherapy. Last year he wanted to start Chemo on May 3rd it was a Monday and my Birthday. But something changed the Dr's mind and he had to schedule more tests and then made the chemo start on June 1st 2010.

Dad starts chemo (with apparently some minor changes to the chemo regime) on May 2nd and has 3 sessions - Tuesday and Wednesday.

It begins.

Inhale - Exhale-

Stay tuned for April 28th, 2011. Dr.'s Appointment with news of starting more treatments? I don't know what this means? I don't think I quite get what is going on.. and I don' think I could handle much more- however, I'm not the one going through this. What I should have written was I don't think Dad can go through more of this crap.

I want Dad to be free of the big C and like he was before all this shit started.

Can anyone help him? Just make the cancer go away and make him feel good? I'd make a deal with the devil --- any takers?

St. Patrick's Day

The day started with me waking up at 2 am. I am awake at this hour because I am anxious about today, I am flying to Newfoundland- It's Mabel Babel's 60th Birthday on Sunday. Please do not tell her that I am going down to Newfoundland for her birthday because it is a SURPRIZE! She hasn't a clue. I should be there around 5:30 or so 4 o'clock MTL time - then add 1.5 or so hours to get to Winterton.

I am very excited to be going to Newfoundland because it is a joyous occation. The last time I was there Bo (my step dad) had prostate cancer. Fun stuff eh?

NO!

Dad seems to be alright, he's going to feed Willow for me. :) Dad has to go for another MRI on the 4th of April and a blood test a week before. His Creatinine level was NORMAL, well within normal range on his last apt. with Dr. P. This was a big surpirize for me because this means that all the nagging, ( I am a really good nagger- if nothing else!) a pest, a royal pain in the ass about him drinking - anything. He needs to keep doing what he is doing so that he could have the proper test...

I am trying to be optimistic and positive especially around dad... I make jokes and try to make him laugh (you all know my sense of humor- sometimes not that funny) it's better than making him upset which I seem to do too. Hopefully he laughs more than he is mad or upset. I'm worried that somehting will happen while i'm away and I won't be here if something does. I am worried that if something does happen and he needs me I won't be able to get back in time. Yeah I know. nothing will happen. But honestly- I will try to have a good time and dad will be fine.

Since today is St. Patrick's Day - i'd like to share some photo's from last year of dad and I. I won't be here for the parade this year as will be away- the first year in 17-18 years that I will not be at parade with dad. It's tradition. Here you go. Enjoy. P.S this is just as he was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer.


Enoy the day - the parade- the friends and family around you and have a pint of guiness for me please.

Top of the morning to ya's !

Totally Untitled

it's been a while since i've blogged, I keep thinking of all these things to say: 'that's good point or idea, i'll need to remember to put this on the blog' and of course I go about my buisness and totally forget to mark it down.

Dads appointments this past week were some what uneventful and tiring. He had an apt at the neuro for a MRI on monday, then the results on tuesday. The results were great- NO NEW TUMORS. And to get results for the blood tests and CT scan. I find that the appointments are somewhat un-necessary. Let me explain- the Dr.'s are wonderful and are doing the best to help dad during this time but I (let me stress "I") feel that up until now the results have been pretty much the same.

These results are different. I've read the written report for the CT scan and noticed a couple of things, there seems to be 2 other mass' or nodes that have developed. one 14mm (which i'm not sure is important because the Dr only semmed to be worried about the 9mm node ...
'i'll see you in a month' ... really? no further tests to see if it / tbey increase in size???

I don't know - I'm not a Doctor. I'm helpless to the lingo and really not good at being patient. I can't sleep and I think i'm on edge... (yes, it always turns out to be about me--- not really) .

The run down as to why I think it is different this time around are his symptoms. Dad has lost 28 pounds in just under 2 mths and has no desire to eat, he's moody and irritable (more than he used to be and more than i am), he is grumpy and sometimes nasty. I know that he is not like that in general and probably doesn't mean to be moody-- but how would you feel with a disease that will end your life sooner than expected. I know that these symptoms are a result of going through chemo, radiation and the like, but there is more to it than I can explain. Anyhow, I feel that things are taking too long and should be on the Cancer highway out of town and on the road to recovery- that's not the case.


March 10th is the next appointment. I'm looking for good news and not some more procrastination. I'm not complaining at the Dr's work or ability to do their job, I just wish that they could really preform miracles and not just seem to sit around until it's too late.

Dad will die of this disease and it is really a shame and sad that people including my dad have to go through this hell.

I'm just going to finish on that note because I really don't know what else to say or write without being tagged for obsinities and being kicked off of blogger- because I just want to swear and yell and scream... it'll make me look stupid, feel better and it'll be completely pointless. Instead i'll just wish and hope for the best, dad to get the feeling back in the tips of his fingers and toes, to gain back his appetite, to be 30 pounds heavier, and to be able to walk 10 feet without being out of breath and having to stop. and thank the powers that be that he is not in any pain AT ALL, that the cancer hasn't gone into his kidneys, liver or pancrease...

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

I could do this

This afternoon I had lunch with my father (I had lunch - dad had 1/2 a bowl of soup). Dad mentioned that he was thinking about all of the food he has been wasting - he doesn't have the desire to cook anymore. He told me that he will eat canned goods or stuff that I make for him. My thoughts were:

1. it'll sit in the freezer like my spagetti sauce
2. he'll make it, and then not want to eat it, then throw it out

...
This broke open the conversation that I've been trying to have with him for some time now.

"Dad when are you going to come live with me? I've got the spare bedroom, the appartment is warm, you won't be alone and you will have food on the table!- you won't have to cook"

Dad's reply was "I don't know, What will i do with all my stuff? well it's just the TV, my couch and some of my clothes- Not much come to think of it"

Done! Problem solved.. I think.

The loss of dad's independance is not something that I want to happen. I want him to eat, to drink and be merry. By drinking I mean - fluids, not beer and so far he isn't drinking either. I do not want to force him into making a decision he will regret nor do i want to make one that both of us will regret. I must re-evaluate my priorities and own up to them. This is a no brainer and yet it will be a major life adjustment for me, more so for my father.

Who's scared??? who? ME that's who! scared shitless!

I've been living on my own since 21 and now I'm soon to be 37. Could I possibly think of this situation getting worse? Yes. I'm not talking about me getting a room mate- my dad- I'm talking about all the horrible things that could be in the near future. I wish I could bail and basically take the easy way out. Or have a sibling to throw my hands up in the air and say "you deal with it" or better yet-be the dynamic duo that we once were. I would love that. But our relationship has changed- in a different way. He is dependant on me so much now, to the point of being annoying sometimes, and yet he doesn't want to bother me much... It's a catch 22 situation. I don't want to give up my life to deal with this stuff and I am and will do so because this is my dad we are talking about here. I love him. I don't want him to have this stupid small cell lung cancer, I want him to be able to go back to work and play darts like he used to, to cook every night like he was expecting a table for 6... I want to not worry that he won't wake up in the morning, that his throat doesn't hurt or that he'll be coughing up blood soon- Hell, I'ld even cook fish for him if that's what it'll take! But this i'm afraid is not so.

And so it is.. When dad is ready in the near future, he'll be living with me. We'll be two pea's in a pod, roomies, or we'll drive each other nuts- one or the other BUT dad will have fresh sheets on his bed, clean PJ's to wear and something to eat, a clean bathroom and RDS to catch the game.


Could I manage this? I don't think it's a choice. Yes, I can... like the little train that could... Yes I can.