A night spent with family, friends and good cheer... but not for me. This eve was spent wraping gifts and trying to get rid of a headache heading for a migraine. A night spent quietly and much needed.
How do I justify a christmas eve without family. As much as I love my family and friends... I am glad that I stayed home and spent it by myself listening to Jim Reeves or is it Paul Reeves? I look forward to his special every year airing on CJAD. I wrapped gifts and actually got rid of this headache and am thankful for the glass of red I am now enjoying.
Do you really need friends and family around at this time of year? It is a wonderful time to share special moments with loved ones, however, my love and friendship has not diminished with and for those I love because I spent this evening alone. It has not tainted my view of the holiday season especially since my holiday was on the winter solstice with that glorious total lunar eclipse... (which i watched online as it was so cloudy here in MTL).
I cherish my time alone these days and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and family of course-
I am guilty of wanting time alone and am guilty of fighting for it when poor dad wants to be with me almost 24/7 or though it feels like it. I love him and need him but time alone seems to be just so precious. Some may say that I am selfish and not right for wanting this time alone when dad has lung cancer. Had this been 2-3 mths ago = this post would not be written. it would be about dad and how he is going... speaking of which, He is doing very well. His hair is starting to grow back and he has color in his face. He only has numbness in his feet and hands, this is a result of the chemo. How I long for the days before Cancer and sickness....
I tell you what i long for though- I long for the sleigh rides with Jeff to kentucky fried chicken being pulled by uncle ern, elvis belting out the tunes from the sterio, uncle edgar dressing up as santa carrying a bag that was bigger than him, I long for trips down the street to aunt muriel's and uncle george's, uncle ern's and aunt lynn's, the trip over to mary and al's... I long for bo hiding my christmas gifts in the tree, I long for pap to walk through the door. I long for the family gathering of everyone at my place - the place that I still live in. I could hear the laughter, the joy. I long for the time when dad would surprise me with a plane ticket to sydney N.S. for chritmas to see grandma and aunt paul. I long for the parties and all night music that was always on, around and happening. I long to be worry free and innocent of all that is to come.
This is not a sad holiday- it is a time to remember the old, to share the new and enjoy the present. This is what I am doing. I've finished wrapping my gifts and forgot to eat since this morning.. the house is somewhat presentable. I put up my lights in the window and willow is fed. now at 8 pm in the evening I'll pour my second glass of red and make something to eat... enjoy this time alone and toast to those I love and care for.
Find peace in your hearts, say a prayer in which ever religion you belong to, as i'm sure that they are all heard, and have a merry eve and a joyous new year.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
un-intentional avoidance ????
So, I'm noticing a pattern from people. I know that this pattern is usually unintentional for the most part but nonetheless bothersome to me. I have noticed that people who want to know how my father is doing ask me - when he is sitting right in front of them or beside them. I know that it is an awkward situation when you ask someone how they are and the actually tell you. Most people deal with that question by saying 'alright' or 'could be better' or 'great' then they want to know how great you are... but when people are struck with a negative answer it is hard to conceptualize and hard for them to deal with- However, it is the person you are asking about that should be ask...
I don't mean to be ranting about this BUT... I can't imagine how dad feels when people don't look at him in the eye or avoid talking to him like they used to and come to ask me the question... So how is your dad doing? My answer today was "he's sitting right there, you should ask him", I watched as the person reluctantly walked over to him. In my head I was thinking - "i hope that dad didn't hear him ask me or feel invisible' because that is how I would feel if I was him. Invisible.
Dad isn't invisible, he is not unable to have a conversation... So, for those of you who are having a hard time approaching him - Please do so. He likes to talk with his friends, family and would love it. That's just my observation that I have been seeing lately.
I don't mean to be ranting about this BUT... I can't imagine how dad feels when people don't look at him in the eye or avoid talking to him like they used to and come to ask me the question... So how is your dad doing? My answer today was "he's sitting right there, you should ask him", I watched as the person reluctantly walked over to him. In my head I was thinking - "i hope that dad didn't hear him ask me or feel invisible' because that is how I would feel if I was him. Invisible.
Dad isn't invisible, he is not unable to have a conversation... So, for those of you who are having a hard time approaching him - Please do so. He likes to talk with his friends, family and would love it. That's just my observation that I have been seeing lately.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Latest Set Back- on the Last Session....
up until now I have been coasting on a hope and a lot of prayers. From now on fingers will be crossed, eyes will be shut tight and a breath will be held. Poor dad seems to be disappointed - we have had to cancel his first chemo of his LAST session... The creatine levels have been rising slowly causing him to be in the emergency room twice over the last 2 1/2 weeks. Once for hydration and second for low blood pressure due to a low hemoglobin score- making him stay over night for 2 pints of blood and a couple of bags of saline.
Today, dad will be at the hospital from 8 am for hydration, then his chemo, then more hydration. Wow. A minor set back? yes! BUT, as Lucie the pharmacist says it is a good thing to prevent the kidneys from not functioning properly.
So, Today, Tomorrow and Friday will be complete days of hospital work. Yay! (I say with sarcasim).
I've been learning that the only way to deal with all of this is to take it as it comes, no need to worry about the final outcome, no need to think the worst and no need to panic at all. Just hope that test scores will come out alright, bodily functions will work as they should and spirits should be kept high. I've also learned that mind set is important.
I will be at work until 12 then joining dad at hospital for his day long excursions... No rest for the wicked, right? Unfortunately I had to switch my work schedule with my collegue- for friday, but what could I do. I must do what I have to do.
In three weeks, and a CT scan later we will find out if things are to be as they should in order to progress to radiation on the lungs. If not ... I am not sure what we are to do. We will find out. I use 'we' because dad is not going to do this alone. He never will!
Until then, I will be sleeping with one eye open, walking on pins and needles and working on my patience. Will I be able to keep it together? I would have no choice. Will dad be alright? I think so. WIll he be able to keep up this circus? I certainly hope so. He is strong willed, strong in spirit, altough weakened by the damn cancer, He will do what he has to do! quote un-quote. Does he need moral support (other than me?) I might say yes. Does he get it? I might say yes. Will he admit that he could use more? I might say no.
We will find a mileu somehow, cooking will be made, cleaning will be done and maybe a good night sleep will ensue for me? hopefully, BUT more importantly and only for dad.
Chin up- eyes wide and hopes held high. Hydration is good. and It's only time.
Today, dad will be at the hospital from 8 am for hydration, then his chemo, then more hydration. Wow. A minor set back? yes! BUT, as Lucie the pharmacist says it is a good thing to prevent the kidneys from not functioning properly.
So, Today, Tomorrow and Friday will be complete days of hospital work. Yay! (I say with sarcasim).
I've been learning that the only way to deal with all of this is to take it as it comes, no need to worry about the final outcome, no need to think the worst and no need to panic at all. Just hope that test scores will come out alright, bodily functions will work as they should and spirits should be kept high. I've also learned that mind set is important.
I will be at work until 12 then joining dad at hospital for his day long excursions... No rest for the wicked, right? Unfortunately I had to switch my work schedule with my collegue- for friday, but what could I do. I must do what I have to do.
In three weeks, and a CT scan later we will find out if things are to be as they should in order to progress to radiation on the lungs. If not ... I am not sure what we are to do. We will find out. I use 'we' because dad is not going to do this alone. He never will!
Until then, I will be sleeping with one eye open, walking on pins and needles and working on my patience. Will I be able to keep it together? I would have no choice. Will dad be alright? I think so. WIll he be able to keep up this circus? I certainly hope so. He is strong willed, strong in spirit, altough weakened by the damn cancer, He will do what he has to do! quote un-quote. Does he need moral support (other than me?) I might say yes. Does he get it? I might say yes. Will he admit that he could use more? I might say no.
We will find a mileu somehow, cooking will be made, cleaning will be done and maybe a good night sleep will ensue for me? hopefully, BUT more importantly and only for dad.
Chin up- eyes wide and hopes held high. Hydration is good. and It's only time.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
There is always time- Right???!
Over the last few weeks I've had many ideas about things to write on this blog, but then didn't write them down... let me tell you they were deep, profound and meaningful.
Today's blog post is about death. Yes I know it's very uplifting isn't it. I would like to know what you all think about death. What happens, how it happens and why? The three major things that have been rattling my little pea size brain for a little while. Since dad has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and is literally more than half way through his chemotherapy treatments, basically overcome the 3 brain tumors that he had, a blood clot in his right leg and is struggling to maintain his appetite- death has been on my mind.
I feel that dad and I are too young to be going though this business, to young to make wills and power of attorney's, too young to be taking an early retirement and to young not to be married with grandchildren running around dad's feet. (I know I don't want children - and think that there is always time-is there though?). There is always time. as I say out loud to myself.
Dad has good bloods, will undergo radiation on his lungs after chemo and will regain his appetite and want to cook again. There is always time. Isn't there?
Where does someone go after they die? I think that our soul, if you want to use that term -lives on until it learns, teachs, lives what it is supposed to learn, live and teach- then moves on to be another soul to teach others. It's something I've always thought and believe in. I would like to know what you out there think about things? Spiritual, or not- what you all believe in is important to me. The one person that I haven't asked is Dad.
I hope he doesn't get mad at me or clam up on me. I really haven't thought about asking dad what he thinks until just now, I haven't thought about when i'll bring it up- however, I think that he wouldn't appreciate me writing about this on a blog... very inpersonal.
PS. Don't watch 6 feet under when someone has cancer in the family... (just trying to make lite of the situation- can't be dark and gloomy ALL THE TIME). esp. under the circumstances.
8:53 pm - watching 6th feet under and it is relevent to my topic above. i will psot my thoughts later.
Today's blog post is about death. Yes I know it's very uplifting isn't it. I would like to know what you all think about death. What happens, how it happens and why? The three major things that have been rattling my little pea size brain for a little while. Since dad has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and is literally more than half way through his chemotherapy treatments, basically overcome the 3 brain tumors that he had, a blood clot in his right leg and is struggling to maintain his appetite- death has been on my mind.
I feel that dad and I are too young to be going though this business, to young to make wills and power of attorney's, too young to be taking an early retirement and to young not to be married with grandchildren running around dad's feet. (I know I don't want children - and think that there is always time-is there though?). There is always time. as I say out loud to myself.
Dad has good bloods, will undergo radiation on his lungs after chemo and will regain his appetite and want to cook again. There is always time. Isn't there?
Where does someone go after they die? I think that our soul, if you want to use that term -lives on until it learns, teachs, lives what it is supposed to learn, live and teach- then moves on to be another soul to teach others. It's something I've always thought and believe in. I would like to know what you out there think about things? Spiritual, or not- what you all believe in is important to me. The one person that I haven't asked is Dad.
I hope he doesn't get mad at me or clam up on me. I really haven't thought about asking dad what he thinks until just now, I haven't thought about when i'll bring it up- however, I think that he wouldn't appreciate me writing about this on a blog... very inpersonal.
PS. Don't watch 6 feet under when someone has cancer in the family... (just trying to make lite of the situation- can't be dark and gloomy ALL THE TIME). esp. under the circumstances.
8:53 pm - watching 6th feet under and it is relevent to my topic above. i will psot my thoughts later.
Monday, July 26, 2010
added to the list-
Fragmin iu/ml
Poor dad. I was concerned about his leg being swollen in one leg only- I am glad I called the hospital. Thanks to dad's nurse, she made things happen so that we didn't have to go to emerg. She's fantastic. HIP HIP HORRAY for Renee!
Dad has to inject himself everyday for at least 30 days with this 15 000 ui dose of fragmin iu/ml. He's becoming a pharmaceutical wonder patient... as his meds are getting expensive and they are loving him i'm sure. he's not loving it though. Thank goodness for insurance.
apart from that, he's still tired and he's still not eating much.. not for the lack of not wanting to but for the fact that he forgets or is out and doesn't think.
He has lost weight though - not much but 8 pounds give or take since the last weighing. NOT GOOD.
Poor dad. I was concerned about his leg being swollen in one leg only- I am glad I called the hospital. Thanks to dad's nurse, she made things happen so that we didn't have to go to emerg. She's fantastic. HIP HIP HORRAY for Renee!
Dad has to inject himself everyday for at least 30 days with this 15 000 ui dose of fragmin iu/ml. He's becoming a pharmaceutical wonder patient... as his meds are getting expensive and they are loving him i'm sure. he's not loving it though. Thank goodness for insurance.
apart from that, he's still tired and he's still not eating much.. not for the lack of not wanting to but for the fact that he forgets or is out and doesn't think.
He has lost weight though - not much but 8 pounds give or take since the last weighing. NOT GOOD.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Faith ?!? Just throwing things out there--
I know what you all are thinking. I am not so sure I know what I'm thinking. Faith has been rattling around my brain for the last couple of months. I am a good person ( relatively (sp?)..) I try to be kind, love, learn from my mistakes, be compassionate, understanding, towards people- how do I justify it? I am drawn to an old way of thinking that I don't fit into, and I am something that, that way of life doesn't support- I believe wholeheartedly that if you believe in something, and will it to be, it will be.
Through patience, practice things will be what they are supposed to be. Am I to question this way of thought because of what I believe, of what we are going through, is something that is against our power, being? Shall I throw my way of life out and go back to the old way of life- to beleive in a power out of our control and accept?
I am not viewing my old faith as bad, or not valid- in fact it has given my alot to think about the last few weeks/ days/ months. I like to think that I have both faiths working for me... however- right now it doesn't feel like it. The only faith that seems to be working for me (my dad is what I mean) is the faith in science. Is science even a faith? I would like to believe that science has been created by a higher being(s) and will help however, without the higher power there would be nothing.
When I was small, I hated going to church because I was forced to go. I didn't understand what it all meant and to be honest church is still a bit fuzzy for me. I know that when I am in a church I am peaceful, a quietness is within- BUT when I am at home practicing my own faith I feel the same way. I am sure that most of you will have something to say about this and I appreciate all opinions...
Faith in any manner of speaking , mindframe or way is something that I will accept right now. The hole at the end of the tunnel is so far away- I could see a light though... which is a good sign, right?
I will struggle with this for a good while as I haven't been able to figure things out ever!
Too many questions, too little answers. Chalk it up to just accepting things- hard to do, but let's give it a go... whaddaya say?
Prayers are accepted and welcomed, thoughts too... as mentioned in earlier posts HUGs are hard... so thank you for the hugs virtually! sounds funny however- me being a puddle of mush isn't productive, in any way whatsoever.
What is it that I always say??? Smile, pharmacy smile style-and just breathe.
Through patience, practice things will be what they are supposed to be. Am I to question this way of thought because of what I believe, of what we are going through, is something that is against our power, being? Shall I throw my way of life out and go back to the old way of life- to beleive in a power out of our control and accept?
I am not viewing my old faith as bad, or not valid- in fact it has given my alot to think about the last few weeks/ days/ months. I like to think that I have both faiths working for me... however- right now it doesn't feel like it. The only faith that seems to be working for me (my dad is what I mean) is the faith in science. Is science even a faith? I would like to believe that science has been created by a higher being(s) and will help however, without the higher power there would be nothing.
When I was small, I hated going to church because I was forced to go. I didn't understand what it all meant and to be honest church is still a bit fuzzy for me. I know that when I am in a church I am peaceful, a quietness is within- BUT when I am at home practicing my own faith I feel the same way. I am sure that most of you will have something to say about this and I appreciate all opinions...
Faith in any manner of speaking , mindframe or way is something that I will accept right now. The hole at the end of the tunnel is so far away- I could see a light though... which is a good sign, right?
I will struggle with this for a good while as I haven't been able to figure things out ever!
Too many questions, too little answers. Chalk it up to just accepting things- hard to do, but let's give it a go... whaddaya say?
Prayers are accepted and welcomed, thoughts too... as mentioned in earlier posts HUGs are hard... so thank you for the hugs virtually! sounds funny however- me being a puddle of mush isn't productive, in any way whatsoever.
What is it that I always say??? Smile, pharmacy smile style-and just breathe.
Blood Pressure problems
Once again dad has finished his second round of neupogen. That means seven days of going to CLSC's to get his injection at roughly the same time every day. This time around Dad has been experiencing low blood pressure. He's been tired these last few days , has cramps in his legs and is basically blah. The nurse at the CLSC told him he should be going to the hospital with his low blood pressure- I think she kinda freaked him out a bit.
Since yesterday he has bought some fruit and I think it might have dawned on him that eating in the afternoon would be a good idea since he is feeling weak. I however will not say a thing- as the nurse at the CLSC told him to eat better and eat in the afternoon. What the heck do I know... ;)
I bought him a blood pressure machine and I assume that he will take it- however I cannot garauntee (sp?) it. At least dad does not have a fever so far... that would not be good. That would mean countless hours in the hospital emergency room which he does not want to be in.
I am concerned because he doesn't sound good. I can't ask him how he feels as he changes subject. So if any of you know how he's feeling then please feel free to let me know.
He's a bugger my dad, a bugger (as my grandma used to call me-)
Since yesterday he has bought some fruit and I think it might have dawned on him that eating in the afternoon would be a good idea since he is feeling weak. I however will not say a thing- as the nurse at the CLSC told him to eat better and eat in the afternoon. What the heck do I know... ;)
I bought him a blood pressure machine and I assume that he will take it- however I cannot garauntee (sp?) it. At least dad does not have a fever so far... that would not be good. That would mean countless hours in the hospital emergency room which he does not want to be in.
I am concerned because he doesn't sound good. I can't ask him how he feels as he changes subject. So if any of you know how he's feeling then please feel free to let me know.
He's a bugger my dad, a bugger (as my grandma used to call me-)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
today's another day
Dad is not feeling so hot today. He is quite tired and his blood pressure is a bit low -as the nurse told him. He's not up to eating much tonight and is resting with his legs up. His temp is alright - I guess we'll see how things go this evening and tomorrow. The last time he felt this way the symptoms didn't last a long time. I'm hoping it'll pass.
conscious - working overtime.
conscious - working overtime.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
my conscious
Going back to what my boss said to me that has stuck with me- I must steal my self away. He has dealt with cancer from being a pharmacist and losing his mother to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was confused by what he meant however, I have since then learned.
I am stealing myself away (am I distancing myself) ? I don't know? Now that school is finished I have more time on my hands I should have more time for my father- I do, however I find myself wanting to be alone more than ever. I spent the weekend with friends and haven't really talked with dad since yesterday morning. Do I feel guilty? YES. I need not to think about appointments, tests, chemo, results, tumors... does that make me a bad daughter? Yes.
I feel overwhelmed when I shouldn't be, aggrivated when there is no need to be and angry/ upset at the drop of the hat. This is just the way I feel- it is not my dad's fault, solely my own.
Life has a funny way of working- you do your best to be good, nice and the best you can be and there is always something that counteracts that way of thinking. I question my faith, my friendships, my relationships, my family, myself, and I can't understand how to manage things on my own, even with the help of my friends, family, faith. Where do you go when life is shit? Where do you put your thoughts and feelings? A spouse, better half, a familiar (cat/dog/fish)? What do they do to make things better? Does it pass? And how long does it take to pass? I am not the writer that some of my friends are, or a person with the gift of words - I do feel better when I write how I am feeling, like here today, but I don't like feeling the way I do.
My dad and I are close, always have been and our dynamic will change eventually- if I don't change the way I feel- meaning aggrivated, angry, upset. I don't want it to! Am I making sense? It all sounds good in my head- believe it or not.
There are numberous things/decisions I have to take care of/make over the next few months and these decisions are important to me. WIll I be able to make them and live with them, concentrate on them, work towards them? I hope so. I need to, have to, and as usual I will.
Last set of questions- where does the strength/will come from? Is it because I"m working on autopilot? Will I run out of steam? WIll I really have a mental breakdown that I keep joking about having? Will it really come to pass?
The answer: maybe- maybe not.
I am stealing myself away (am I distancing myself) ? I don't know? Now that school is finished I have more time on my hands I should have more time for my father- I do, however I find myself wanting to be alone more than ever. I spent the weekend with friends and haven't really talked with dad since yesterday morning. Do I feel guilty? YES. I need not to think about appointments, tests, chemo, results, tumors... does that make me a bad daughter? Yes.
I feel overwhelmed when I shouldn't be, aggrivated when there is no need to be and angry/ upset at the drop of the hat. This is just the way I feel- it is not my dad's fault, solely my own.
Life has a funny way of working- you do your best to be good, nice and the best you can be and there is always something that counteracts that way of thinking. I question my faith, my friendships, my relationships, my family, myself, and I can't understand how to manage things on my own, even with the help of my friends, family, faith. Where do you go when life is shit? Where do you put your thoughts and feelings? A spouse, better half, a familiar (cat/dog/fish)? What do they do to make things better? Does it pass? And how long does it take to pass? I am not the writer that some of my friends are, or a person with the gift of words - I do feel better when I write how I am feeling, like here today, but I don't like feeling the way I do.
My dad and I are close, always have been and our dynamic will change eventually- if I don't change the way I feel- meaning aggrivated, angry, upset. I don't want it to! Am I making sense? It all sounds good in my head- believe it or not.
There are numberous things/decisions I have to take care of/make over the next few months and these decisions are important to me. WIll I be able to make them and live with them, concentrate on them, work towards them? I hope so. I need to, have to, and as usual I will.
Last set of questions- where does the strength/will come from? Is it because I"m working on autopilot? Will I run out of steam? WIll I really have a mental breakdown that I keep joking about having? Will it really come to pass?
The answer: maybe- maybe not.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
PET scan
Today we went for the regular bloods, chat with Dr P and Chemo- dad's bloods are great, his result from the PET scan came through and I am happy to say that the cancer has NOT spread anywhere else. " Everything looks good" said Dr. P. "it (the cancer) is only located in the lung." A sigh of relief that this small cell lung cancer has not spread to the liver, kidney, the other lung or anywhere else in the brain (3 tumors in the head is enough, no?!).
Dad has been steady in weight, although his eye sight has been wonky on him, he seems to be handling it very well. HIs appetite has been good, he puts up a fight to eat but then finishes everything on his plate. He has little or no side effects from the chemo except his hair falling out. His head is tender from the high doses of Radiation that he had but apart from that... I'm happy with the progress. The Dr.'s seem to be too.
This is the third round of chemo out of 6- that means on Thursday we are half way there! It seems like forever since we've started on June 1st, 2010. It feels like everything is running smoothly, that nothing seems to be going wronge, I am waiting for something to happen to ruin it all. That always seems to be the way- however, there will be nothing that will let me get down about how things are going with dad.
I feel confident that dad could over come this bastard of a disease BUT the statistical odds are against him. He's a stubburn man and will prove everyone wronge. And he will too!
On that note, I hope that he will prove it too!
Chemo again tomorrow, and Thursday.
Dad has been steady in weight, although his eye sight has been wonky on him, he seems to be handling it very well. HIs appetite has been good, he puts up a fight to eat but then finishes everything on his plate. He has little or no side effects from the chemo except his hair falling out. His head is tender from the high doses of Radiation that he had but apart from that... I'm happy with the progress. The Dr.'s seem to be too.
This is the third round of chemo out of 6- that means on Thursday we are half way there! It seems like forever since we've started on June 1st, 2010. It feels like everything is running smoothly, that nothing seems to be going wronge, I am waiting for something to happen to ruin it all. That always seems to be the way- however, there will be nothing that will let me get down about how things are going with dad.
I feel confident that dad could over come this bastard of a disease BUT the statistical odds are against him. He's a stubburn man and will prove everyone wronge. And he will too!
On that note, I hope that he will prove it too!
Chemo again tomorrow, and Thursday.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Where to begin?
I've been on vacation (if you will) for 2 weeks, I've graduated -- a BA in a Joint Specialization in Anthropology and Sociology at Concordia University and I've survived having my 3 parents around me 24/7. I'm not doing so bad.
Dad is doing well, he's had to shave (#2- not sure what that means in hairstyles- means? the blade the hairdresser used??) his head becasue his hair was falling out in malting preportions, so he did it. I am still not used to seeing him that way however, he wears his baseball cap all the time.
Dad has been getting Neuopgen injections for the last couple of days. He must have these injections after every chemo session. He has 2 sessions under his belt now and one round of Neupogen injections (that finish Friday, tomorrow) - he's looking forward to that. He is also getting radiation on the whole brain now because after the Radiosurgery the whole brain has to be radiated to prevent other tumors from sprouting up. Needless to say dad is fed up of running around. To be honest I would be too. He's had to endure these appointments on his own. I have been letting him do them by himself as I found him depending too much on me to sit with him.. and with Mom and Bo here, I have been trying to stay with them too. These two things (apts) are quick ones and although I feel guilty about letting him do them by himself - he could manage them. Plus I must work. I might be concidered a bad daughter after you all reading this but- I need some peice of mind too.
According to a friend, having a tumor in the Right Frontal Lobe of your brain can cause personality changes... I have been noticing some minor differences in dad over the last coulple of weeks- I hav been chalking it up to me being a pain in the ass daughter- because he doesn't listen to me- kinda thing.. however- the differences are minor and they bug me more than anyone else, least of all dad. I will ask the dr. what it's all about.
The reasons for the Neupogen injections are to boost his white blood cell count, the chemo is killing the good guys off before his body could produce more of them. This cancer business is stupid. This "cancer" all kinds of it- is smart, amazingly smart. It can split cells, and mutate at friggen record speed. I don't like it one bit. If only...
Although I only have 6 followers on this blog (love you guys) I feel the need constantly to write on it. Ramblings, rantings and much more BUT I realize that you all don't need to read my every thought nor would I bore you to death with them. But thank you for joining my blog- I feel important now. psst. Dad doesnt' know I am writing this blog, not sure how he'd feel about it and besides this is the way that i could get things off my chest with out going to a shrink... soon to come though!
Dad has been short tempered (kinda) with me these days and I don't blame him ( i'm a pain in the ass). So after yesterdays 'pointing his finger at me and basically yelling at me', I told myself to back off and let him eat macdonalds (as crappy as it is with no nutrient value!!!), let him drink beer till his heart's content, to not eat at all, and to avoid water- (although his kidneys will get damaged by the chemo)- it's his life and although I love him to bits- it's his kidneys that will need dialasis and it's his life, he may do what he wants with it. Who am I - oh wait! I'm his ONLY child! I don't seem to count. But hey... (i'm rambling again).
I will be supportive and there when i am needed- the shoulder, the rock, the stone to step upon should need be. However, I will try not to loose my sense of self in the process. That should not make me a bad person. especially when it is getting overwhelming.
Today is Canada's Birthday - July 1st. the temperature is nice (sweater is needed) but no rain so far... Time for picture taking. :) Thanks for reading my ramblings, rantings, and other stuff...
Dad is doing well, he's had to shave (#2- not sure what that means in hairstyles- means? the blade the hairdresser used??) his head becasue his hair was falling out in malting preportions, so he did it. I am still not used to seeing him that way however, he wears his baseball cap all the time.
Dad has been getting Neuopgen injections for the last couple of days. He must have these injections after every chemo session. He has 2 sessions under his belt now and one round of Neupogen injections (that finish Friday, tomorrow) - he's looking forward to that. He is also getting radiation on the whole brain now because after the Radiosurgery the whole brain has to be radiated to prevent other tumors from sprouting up. Needless to say dad is fed up of running around. To be honest I would be too. He's had to endure these appointments on his own. I have been letting him do them by himself as I found him depending too much on me to sit with him.. and with Mom and Bo here, I have been trying to stay with them too. These two things (apts) are quick ones and although I feel guilty about letting him do them by himself - he could manage them. Plus I must work. I might be concidered a bad daughter after you all reading this but- I need some peice of mind too.
According to a friend, having a tumor in the Right Frontal Lobe of your brain can cause personality changes... I have been noticing some minor differences in dad over the last coulple of weeks- I hav been chalking it up to me being a pain in the ass daughter- because he doesn't listen to me- kinda thing.. however- the differences are minor and they bug me more than anyone else, least of all dad. I will ask the dr. what it's all about.
The reasons for the Neupogen injections are to boost his white blood cell count, the chemo is killing the good guys off before his body could produce more of them. This cancer business is stupid. This "cancer" all kinds of it- is smart, amazingly smart. It can split cells, and mutate at friggen record speed. I don't like it one bit. If only...
Although I only have 6 followers on this blog (love you guys) I feel the need constantly to write on it. Ramblings, rantings and much more BUT I realize that you all don't need to read my every thought nor would I bore you to death with them. But thank you for joining my blog- I feel important now. psst. Dad doesnt' know I am writing this blog, not sure how he'd feel about it and besides this is the way that i could get things off my chest with out going to a shrink... soon to come though!
Dad has been short tempered (kinda) with me these days and I don't blame him ( i'm a pain in the ass). So after yesterdays 'pointing his finger at me and basically yelling at me', I told myself to back off and let him eat macdonalds (as crappy as it is with no nutrient value!!!), let him drink beer till his heart's content, to not eat at all, and to avoid water- (although his kidneys will get damaged by the chemo)- it's his life and although I love him to bits- it's his kidneys that will need dialasis and it's his life, he may do what he wants with it. Who am I - oh wait! I'm his ONLY child! I don't seem to count. But hey... (i'm rambling again).
I will be supportive and there when i am needed- the shoulder, the rock, the stone to step upon should need be. However, I will try not to loose my sense of self in the process. That should not make me a bad person. especially when it is getting overwhelming.
Today is Canada's Birthday - July 1st. the temperature is nice (sweater is needed) but no rain so far... Time for picture taking. :) Thanks for reading my ramblings, rantings, and other stuff...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Please come again.
Day three came and went. So far dad has only been tired and unable to sleep. I could deal with that. I wonder if he feels that same way I feel- with a tighness in my chest, shortness of breath when I can't sleep. I must remember to ask him.
That tighness goes away when I am comfortable with my surroundings, dinner with a friend, drinks at the local pub and recieving a hug from a close friend, or just knowing that your best friend will come through for you in the end. The tightness in my chest gets worse before it gets better- and yet it goes away with these things. Wonder if dad has the same thing goin' on. mental note= to ask him.
Being organized is another story. It takes patience and organization to really have a grip on illness. IT SUCKS! and I'm not that good at it. especially when the Dr's call dad and he forgets to tell me things or schedules overlapping appointments with the Dr.'s - then I must try to reach the Dr's to get it straight- on a friday afternoon - AT 3PM... Omg! It's done. Fixed and well taken care of..
Hugs, they are a huge part of letting someone know that you care for them, understand them and just letting someone know that you love them. I cannot hug people because I cry. I cannot cry - a blubbering fool. I was hugged yesterday and well it was really nice, comfortable and unexpected. I wanted to cry and curl up into my friends arms for the rest of the day- (it was a much needed hug) but please - I cannot hug. Not sure where this stems from but it's the way that I am. One day I will be able to curl up into my friends arms and stay there after a good long hug - for now, I am unable to hug- Please come again.
That tighness goes away when I am comfortable with my surroundings, dinner with a friend, drinks at the local pub and recieving a hug from a close friend, or just knowing that your best friend will come through for you in the end. The tightness in my chest gets worse before it gets better- and yet it goes away with these things. Wonder if dad has the same thing goin' on. mental note= to ask him.
Being organized is another story. It takes patience and organization to really have a grip on illness. IT SUCKS! and I'm not that good at it. especially when the Dr's call dad and he forgets to tell me things or schedules overlapping appointments with the Dr.'s - then I must try to reach the Dr's to get it straight- on a friday afternoon - AT 3PM... Omg! It's done. Fixed and well taken care of..
Hugs, they are a huge part of letting someone know that you care for them, understand them and just letting someone know that you love them. I cannot hug people because I cry. I cannot cry - a blubbering fool. I was hugged yesterday and well it was really nice, comfortable and unexpected. I wanted to cry and curl up into my friends arms for the rest of the day- (it was a much needed hug) but please - I cannot hug. Not sure where this stems from but it's the way that I am. One day I will be able to curl up into my friends arms and stay there after a good long hug - for now, I am unable to hug- Please come again.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
the test begins
2 days of chemo and dad looks great. I know that the chemo has to take it's toll but he's optimistic. I am too. I know that things will get worse before they get better and we are only into his first two chemo treatments ever... but it feels good to know that he is feeling alright so far. I was really worried.
we've got an apt. with a nutritinist and the pharmacist is really nice. Good.
i'm more at ease with dad going home alone now and trusting his judgement. Not that his judgement is bad or can't be trusted - I am a bit of a control freak... I'll get over it!
I have been sleeping well the last two nights. Thank goodness for that. and knowing that the second session of chemo will be when I am on vacation- so I won't miss any work. That's what I'm worried about for myself.
ok.. one step at a time - tomorrow will be step three of the first round. Yahoo!
we've got an apt. with a nutritinist and the pharmacist is really nice. Good.
i'm more at ease with dad going home alone now and trusting his judgement. Not that his judgement is bad or can't be trusted - I am a bit of a control freak... I'll get over it!
I have been sleeping well the last two nights. Thank goodness for that. and knowing that the second session of chemo will be when I am on vacation- so I won't miss any work. That's what I'm worried about for myself.
ok.. one step at a time - tomorrow will be step three of the first round. Yahoo!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
We finally have some news. Friday was a day to make appointments. Dad must get another MRI, Make a mask (for his apt to get zapped) and get zapped. all this will happen this week and next week.
The 27th of May is the day he will have a sesssion of radiosurgery at the MGH with Dr. R.
Dr. W called me on thursday at 5:45 to tell me that Dr. R and him agree that the treatment should be chemo therapy. All is a go unless Dr. P (our primary Dr.) says no. We must wait to find out when we are to start the chemo (if it's a go), and take it from there.
Both my father and I have a sense of relief upon us but yet, there are sleepless nights for both of us. Thank god for the CTV and GlobalTv websites who have the tv show I've missed during the week. and to another one of my friends who has sleeping problems too, and is almost always up in the middle of the night. Last night I went to bed without watching the end of the Boston/ Philidelphia game (this is not normal), mind you, I do have a sinus infection and on antibotics that knocked me senseless. Up at 2 A.M. until 7 A.M only to sleep for 2 hours till nine. Busy day.
Not tired yet. F tells me that I need to sleep... easy for him to say. I try and try and try- with out taking any pills (which I refuse to do!) I have not had a decent night sleep in a long while. Any suggestions? I keep saying that I will sleep when my body tells me to- however it hasn't yet. it will one day.
Dad has sleeping issues too, I could only imagine what it might be like for him. I think that he is anxioius but doesn't say much to me about it. He lets out bits and pieces but nothing substantial (sp?) to give me an indication of how he is feeling. He will eventually open up and spill the beans but until then- - - - > moving forward.
The 27th of May is the day he will have a sesssion of radiosurgery at the MGH with Dr. R.
Dr. W called me on thursday at 5:45 to tell me that Dr. R and him agree that the treatment should be chemo therapy. All is a go unless Dr. P (our primary Dr.) says no. We must wait to find out when we are to start the chemo (if it's a go), and take it from there.
Both my father and I have a sense of relief upon us but yet, there are sleepless nights for both of us. Thank god for the CTV and GlobalTv websites who have the tv show I've missed during the week. and to another one of my friends who has sleeping problems too, and is almost always up in the middle of the night. Last night I went to bed without watching the end of the Boston/ Philidelphia game (this is not normal), mind you, I do have a sinus infection and on antibotics that knocked me senseless. Up at 2 A.M. until 7 A.M only to sleep for 2 hours till nine. Busy day.
Not tired yet. F tells me that I need to sleep... easy for him to say. I try and try and try- with out taking any pills (which I refuse to do!) I have not had a decent night sleep in a long while. Any suggestions? I keep saying that I will sleep when my body tells me to- however it hasn't yet. it will one day.
Dad has sleeping issues too, I could only imagine what it might be like for him. I think that he is anxioius but doesn't say much to me about it. He lets out bits and pieces but nothing substantial (sp?) to give me an indication of how he is feeling. He will eventually open up and spill the beans but until then- - - - > moving forward.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Ball is Rolling
I am amazed at the this system we are working in. We met with a brain surgen yesterday morning- he was really nice, patient and efficient. The ball is rolling.
Step One
Apt with brain surgen to zap that thing in the head. ASAP
Breathe!
Step Two
Call Chemo Dr. and set up an apt. for the beginning of treatment- ASAP
Breathe
Step three
Make apt with radiation Dr. for after the zapping (I call it that because there has to be some humor in life- this is serious shit man!) and for radiation of the total brain after chemo and brain zapping.
Breathe.
This brain surgen was a little surprised that we have been shuffled around and that treatment has not started yet. Of course he didn't want to disrespect others- I understand that- but 'disbelief' was a word that I kept thinking when I was looking at the Dr. looking at our file.
My father and I have a sense of relief, the heaviness is off our shoulders now, It was a good walk down the hill after the appointment yesterday- the color came back into my dad's face and well I could tell he was relieved. The ball is rolling,
Step Four
Make sure I have my spare bedroom set up just in case we need to move dad in for a little while.
I guess things will change now once things get started. I don't think that I am prepared for what is next to come- I will have no choice to be!!!
The Dr. explained to us that the type of cancer dad has is in fact SMALL CELL LUNG CANCER , In fact the treatment will not be that different from the other type of cancer of the lung according to this Dr. As for the PET scan we are waiting for- (the dr. called to verify if there was a request in, yes, "but we are looking at JULY" - Dr.R, the brain surgen doesn't think that we need the PET scan before we start treatment because by that time the cancer could spread somewhere else. And the chemo and radiation will have killed the cancer anyhow by then.
Why haven't we started treatment yet, is still a mystery to me- I am just the daughter of the patient, not a Dr.
We have rid ourselves of a slew of Dr's. and are left with just three. Dr. P the oncologist, Dr. R the brain surgen and Dr W the radiation.oncologist. I have confidence in these three gentlemen. Most importantly - so does my dad.
Once again our family and friends have come through for us- in little ways- and that is a huge comfort to the both of us.
Step One
Apt with brain surgen to zap that thing in the head. ASAP
Breathe!
Step Two
Call Chemo Dr. and set up an apt. for the beginning of treatment- ASAP
Breathe
Step three
Make apt with radiation Dr. for after the zapping (I call it that because there has to be some humor in life- this is serious shit man!) and for radiation of the total brain after chemo and brain zapping.
Breathe.
This brain surgen was a little surprised that we have been shuffled around and that treatment has not started yet. Of course he didn't want to disrespect others- I understand that- but 'disbelief' was a word that I kept thinking when I was looking at the Dr. looking at our file.
My father and I have a sense of relief, the heaviness is off our shoulders now, It was a good walk down the hill after the appointment yesterday- the color came back into my dad's face and well I could tell he was relieved. The ball is rolling,
Step Four
Make sure I have my spare bedroom set up just in case we need to move dad in for a little while.
I guess things will change now once things get started. I don't think that I am prepared for what is next to come- I will have no choice to be!!!
The Dr. explained to us that the type of cancer dad has is in fact SMALL CELL LUNG CANCER , In fact the treatment will not be that different from the other type of cancer of the lung according to this Dr. As for the PET scan we are waiting for- (the dr. called to verify if there was a request in, yes, "but we are looking at JULY" - Dr.R, the brain surgen doesn't think that we need the PET scan before we start treatment because by that time the cancer could spread somewhere else. And the chemo and radiation will have killed the cancer anyhow by then.
Why haven't we started treatment yet, is still a mystery to me- I am just the daughter of the patient, not a Dr.
We have rid ourselves of a slew of Dr's. and are left with just three. Dr. P the oncologist, Dr. R the brain surgen and Dr W the radiation.oncologist. I have confidence in these three gentlemen. Most importantly - so does my dad.
Once again our family and friends have come through for us- in little ways- and that is a huge comfort to the both of us.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Miscommunication
We missed our important appointment- hence, we must go on the 11th at 9:15am. It is very confusing working with three different hospitals. I wonder if the SUPERHOSPITAL will be wonderful? Will it have all the facilties under one roof therefore avoiding many hospitals at once? I certainly hope so.
Being sick doesn't pay that's for sure; one must be a secretary, a business man and a patient all at the same time. How do people manage when they are alone? Dad has me and I have him- however, that doesn't seem to be enough. We need a manager, a book keeper and a trainer to keep us going. My word! A spiritual guide, a motivational speaker and man of the cloth... need I say more? A person with patience, a kind hand and words of wisdom - a good friend, a mother, brother, sister, aunt, uncle and cousin- need I say more? one who is sick needs all of the above and more... Most of all hope. Time is crucial and it seems like we are running out of it... by waiting. Patience.
I was reading a friends blog last night and realized that time is important - it's what you do with it that makes it so. Which is why biding time is not easy to do. Reading a good book, enjoying the company of friends and family and stopping to smell the flowers is key!
Since we have missed our appointment we must wait once again to see the brain surgen. It is upsetting and disappointing all at once. We bide our time- Dad with his new found love of reading--- "I can't put this book down" to incorporating the hockey game while reading. I will find him a book to read now that he has finished the last one. Any suggestions?
Being sick doesn't pay that's for sure; one must be a secretary, a business man and a patient all at the same time. How do people manage when they are alone? Dad has me and I have him- however, that doesn't seem to be enough. We need a manager, a book keeper and a trainer to keep us going. My word! A spiritual guide, a motivational speaker and man of the cloth... need I say more? A person with patience, a kind hand and words of wisdom - a good friend, a mother, brother, sister, aunt, uncle and cousin- need I say more? one who is sick needs all of the above and more... Most of all hope. Time is crucial and it seems like we are running out of it... by waiting. Patience.
I was reading a friends blog last night and realized that time is important - it's what you do with it that makes it so. Which is why biding time is not easy to do. Reading a good book, enjoying the company of friends and family and stopping to smell the flowers is key!
Since we have missed our appointment we must wait once again to see the brain surgen. It is upsetting and disappointing all at once. We bide our time- Dad with his new found love of reading--- "I can't put this book down" to incorporating the hockey game while reading. I will find him a book to read now that he has finished the last one. Any suggestions?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The last couple of weeks
Still not sure what is happening- Now we need to do a PET scan - zap the tumor and decided what kind of treatment to do (Not sure the Dr, knows)
Had a really rough Thursday. Dad had a rough day too- Mostly because I gave him a hard time and for that I am sorry. Tensions are high, questions are plenty and dealing with three hospitals- nerve racking.
Appointment on Tuesday at 1 pm with the Neurosurgen Dr. L and Dr. P. to tell us how the Raido Surgery will happen... Zap it and get rid of it... Little or now side effects and well that is more than I could say for what is coming up.
Had a really rough Thursday. Dad had a rough day too- Mostly because I gave him a hard time and for that I am sorry. Tensions are high, questions are plenty and dealing with three hospitals- nerve racking.
Appointment on Tuesday at 1 pm with the Neurosurgen Dr. L and Dr. P. to tell us how the Raido Surgery will happen... Zap it and get rid of it... Little or now side effects and well that is more than I could say for what is coming up.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sleep-
Last night I went to bed at 7:30 and basically slept until 7 am. I did not dream my crazy dreams that I usually have- I hardly moved in the bed. Boy was I tired. I think that when averaging 2-3 hours a night for a little while; it'll catch up to you.. I am so glad it did. I feel rested, relieved and although I am still tense around my shoulders, I could manage to breathe properly.
I was able to talk the nurse in charge of my dad's case and am glad that she is really nice. My dad said he would marry her - just by the sound of her voice- delusion, due to the cancer ;) I wonder what she looks like? She is really nice though, she took the time to answer all of my questions and went over everything with me that I seemed to have let slip though my ears after the word 'tumor'. She will be there on Thursday the 29th.
Tomorrow we have an apt. with the Radiology department at the MGH. Tuesday we have an apt. with the Neurosurg. Dr. both of which will let us know what to do- if anything. then another apt on the 29th, with the results of his 'second' opinion of his biopsy - it seems that when things stand still and then all of a sudden they start to snowball. overwhelming is an understatement.
So, I steal myself away with drinks after work with friends, with cooking things I love to cook and with Hockey- my saving grace this past season. One other thing that I will be stealing myself away with would be taking more pictures. I have let my 'photo-a-day' slip and I have let my friend down ( I am sure I have- and I am jealous that she has such beautiful photos, many more than I have now :( .) That's the next order of business. Maybe I'll post some here? What do you think?
Ok, I am babblein. I will say that although I have many acquaintences I have few friends. I will not name them because I know that they know who they are. They have inspired me to be stronger than I thought I could be and I thank them for that. These friends are always checking in on me at random times just to see how I'm holding up. I know that my father knows this too. and thanks them too! When I was younger I was embarrest to say 'I love you". I am not sure why but I am glad that I have out grown that silliness... and I must say to my friends 'I love you'.
I was able to talk the nurse in charge of my dad's case and am glad that she is really nice. My dad said he would marry her - just by the sound of her voice- delusion, due to the cancer ;) I wonder what she looks like? She is really nice though, she took the time to answer all of my questions and went over everything with me that I seemed to have let slip though my ears after the word 'tumor'. She will be there on Thursday the 29th.
Tomorrow we have an apt. with the Radiology department at the MGH. Tuesday we have an apt. with the Neurosurg. Dr. both of which will let us know what to do- if anything. then another apt on the 29th, with the results of his 'second' opinion of his biopsy - it seems that when things stand still and then all of a sudden they start to snowball. overwhelming is an understatement.
So, I steal myself away with drinks after work with friends, with cooking things I love to cook and with Hockey- my saving grace this past season. One other thing that I will be stealing myself away with would be taking more pictures. I have let my 'photo-a-day' slip and I have let my friend down ( I am sure I have- and I am jealous that she has such beautiful photos, many more than I have now :( .) That's the next order of business. Maybe I'll post some here? What do you think?
Ok, I am babblein. I will say that although I have many acquaintences I have few friends. I will not name them because I know that they know who they are. They have inspired me to be stronger than I thought I could be and I thank them for that. These friends are always checking in on me at random times just to see how I'm holding up. I know that my father knows this too. and thanks them too! When I was younger I was embarrest to say 'I love you". I am not sure why but I am glad that I have out grown that silliness... and I must say to my friends 'I love you'.
Friday, April 16, 2010
judgement day - wasn't
Today we were supposed to find out what type of treatment dad was supposed to have- that didn't happen. We met with the team of Doctors that are going to take care of dad... They are all so nice.
Dad has a tumor in his brain.
What exactly does that mean? He would have to have surgury or radiation. We are waiting for the Neuro to call us and MGH to call for the radiation part. It's one or the other. Do we want to have one or the other? what does it mean? Everything is a blur and we must wait some more- go for more tests and sit down and figure it out.
Dr.P the oncologist wasn't there today and neither was our head nurse... so we basically just found out that he has a tumor that mastasized in the brain. That's it. How long does all this take? What other options are there for us- it seemed to be so fast that all of this is just hitting me now.
I can't really talk about... had a really rough afternoon. it wont' be getting easier. or better. Come to grips with it and go from there.
All my thoughts keep going back to how long does dad have to live? He doesn't seem to have any problems- but is it masked by the fact that the tumor is affecting things? Should I be bringing this up with him now? at all? Of course I should but I need to not break down in front of him.
All of these questions are not answered. I am hoping that all these questions will be answered within the next week or so.
My boss said to me yesterday that I need to steal my self away. I wasn't sure what he meant by that until now. I know that I have to do that and keep myself sane. Writing here on this blog helps. Talking with my friends help too, however I don't want to be that girl who drags everyone down with her problems... I cannot be that person. I will have to ask the nurse for some help with dealing with this. I don't think that I am capable of doing this alone.
until monday I guess.
Dad has a tumor in his brain.
What exactly does that mean? He would have to have surgury or radiation. We are waiting for the Neuro to call us and MGH to call for the radiation part. It's one or the other. Do we want to have one or the other? what does it mean? Everything is a blur and we must wait some more- go for more tests and sit down and figure it out.
Dr.P the oncologist wasn't there today and neither was our head nurse... so we basically just found out that he has a tumor that mastasized in the brain. That's it. How long does all this take? What other options are there for us- it seemed to be so fast that all of this is just hitting me now.
I can't really talk about... had a really rough afternoon. it wont' be getting easier. or better. Come to grips with it and go from there.
All my thoughts keep going back to how long does dad have to live? He doesn't seem to have any problems- but is it masked by the fact that the tumor is affecting things? Should I be bringing this up with him now? at all? Of course I should but I need to not break down in front of him.
All of these questions are not answered. I am hoping that all these questions will be answered within the next week or so.
My boss said to me yesterday that I need to steal my self away. I wasn't sure what he meant by that until now. I know that I have to do that and keep myself sane. Writing here on this blog helps. Talking with my friends help too, however I don't want to be that girl who drags everyone down with her problems... I cannot be that person. I will have to ask the nurse for some help with dealing with this. I don't think that I am capable of doing this alone.
until monday I guess.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
my third entry.
I am not so sure how I feel. Dad looks alright except that he's a bit pale today, he mentioned that he slept from 9:30 last night until 10 or so this morning. He's getting more tired. He hasn't given up the idea that he could go into work after three days of chemo- and we haven't even started yet. He's worried that his insurance will not accept him. He's a silly goose!
So, yesterday night I did a 'blog search' on google and found some blogs- I've added them to the listings on the side here... i've given some thought about them and I am not so sure that I could continue searching for other people who are going through what I am going through. Half or more of the people that turned up on my blog have discontinued their bloggings- leading me to believe the worst! I don't know if I could continue looking for others in this situation.
For those who know me well - know that I don't share my feelings or show emotion all that often (when it comes to heavy matters like this). And those who don't know me all that well usually get the wrong impression about me. It is hard to be in the middle of both places right now. I want to show emotion but can not and I want to remain strong but break down reading someone's blog. I cannot understand what feeling I am feeling right now.
This after noon Dad and I went to see DR. W. today. Dr. W was the Doctor that we saw at St. Mary's in mid November for his fainting spell. He mentioned that Dad had some arteries in his neck that were getting blocked- (I am thinking Plavix for the arteries- right?) well, Dad continued chattin the to Dr. W and mentioned that since November we found out that he has Cancer. Dr.W sat back and you could tell his mind was thinking.. what ever happened in that split second thought made him think twice aoubt giving him something for the arteries. I know that he is a good Doctor. and I was hoping that he would give him something but I know what he was thinking- I am not sure that Dad picked it up. He wants us to get the chemo out of the way and then come back to see him with a bloodtest for his cholesterol. All the while looking at me - staring through me- then asked me 'and are you ok?' I almost lost my balance- But Dad was there. The doctor thinks that that is the last time he will see my father as a patient. I could tell.
How do I Feel about it? I don't want pitty- I don't want sympathy- I want this bastard of a disease gone! I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to lose my father.
One day at a time I say to people at the pharmacy- did I ever mean it? Yeah, I think I did... I do now if I haven't meant it before. Damn it.
---
On a brighter note- the leaves on the trees are starting to come out (blossom- grow?) and they are just so pretty. The colors are gorgeous. It's the little things that should help. Besides my friends and close family of course... but the trees are what got me though this afternoon.
I should post a picture .. I will try to take a picture of what got me through the day. I know it should be my dad writing this blog about how he feels -- but this blog is about how I feel.. Am I selfish? I don't know? Don't hold it against me.
So, yesterday night I did a 'blog search' on google and found some blogs- I've added them to the listings on the side here... i've given some thought about them and I am not so sure that I could continue searching for other people who are going through what I am going through. Half or more of the people that turned up on my blog have discontinued their bloggings- leading me to believe the worst! I don't know if I could continue looking for others in this situation.
For those who know me well - know that I don't share my feelings or show emotion all that often (when it comes to heavy matters like this). And those who don't know me all that well usually get the wrong impression about me. It is hard to be in the middle of both places right now. I want to show emotion but can not and I want to remain strong but break down reading someone's blog. I cannot understand what feeling I am feeling right now.
This after noon Dad and I went to see DR. W. today. Dr. W was the Doctor that we saw at St. Mary's in mid November for his fainting spell. He mentioned that Dad had some arteries in his neck that were getting blocked- (I am thinking Plavix for the arteries- right?) well, Dad continued chattin the to Dr. W and mentioned that since November we found out that he has Cancer. Dr.W sat back and you could tell his mind was thinking.. what ever happened in that split second thought made him think twice aoubt giving him something for the arteries. I know that he is a good Doctor. and I was hoping that he would give him something but I know what he was thinking- I am not sure that Dad picked it up. He wants us to get the chemo out of the way and then come back to see him with a bloodtest for his cholesterol. All the while looking at me - staring through me- then asked me 'and are you ok?' I almost lost my balance- But Dad was there. The doctor thinks that that is the last time he will see my father as a patient. I could tell.
How do I Feel about it? I don't want pitty- I don't want sympathy- I want this bastard of a disease gone! I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to lose my father.
One day at a time I say to people at the pharmacy- did I ever mean it? Yeah, I think I did... I do now if I haven't meant it before. Damn it.
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On a brighter note- the leaves on the trees are starting to come out (blossom- grow?) and they are just so pretty. The colors are gorgeous. It's the little things that should help. Besides my friends and close family of course... but the trees are what got me though this afternoon.
I should post a picture .. I will try to take a picture of what got me through the day. I know it should be my dad writing this blog about how he feels -- but this blog is about how I feel.. Am I selfish? I don't know? Don't hold it against me.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
one day of frustration down and many more to come
The machine to do the Total Bone Body test broke down, dad has yet to think of calling to make the apt. Since all of these tests have to be done by the 16th of April. I am frustrated because dad still doesn't realize the seriousness of getting things done so we could start treatment.
Am I supposed to let him do it on his own and get things done according to his time, when I know that the cancer could be spreading or has spread? Am I to be left with making all the appointments for him when he is perfectly capable to do it himself now? I do not want to pressure him or 'mother' him as someone once said... But geeze... Come on!
So 8:30 Thursday am at St Mary's again for the total bone body test. Let's hope it's a go... I don't think I could wait another week when I know that this is the fastest spreading cancer.
We were told that we should ask if there are studies or clinical trials that are being done at mcgill, they are big in cancer research - re: Dr. Ziggy (as dad calls him).
Now that school is over I am able to focus on this, get things done and continue to be on auto pilote.
Does anyone have a plane I could fly?
Keep you posted soon.
Am I supposed to let him do it on his own and get things done according to his time, when I know that the cancer could be spreading or has spread? Am I to be left with making all the appointments for him when he is perfectly capable to do it himself now? I do not want to pressure him or 'mother' him as someone once said... But geeze... Come on!
So 8:30 Thursday am at St Mary's again for the total bone body test. Let's hope it's a go... I don't think I could wait another week when I know that this is the fastest spreading cancer.
We were told that we should ask if there are studies or clinical trials that are being done at mcgill, they are big in cancer research - re: Dr. Ziggy (as dad calls him).
Now that school is over I am able to focus on this, get things done and continue to be on auto pilote.
Does anyone have a plane I could fly?
Keep you posted soon.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My first entry
Today is April 8, 2010. I am hoping that this blog will allow me to understand what I am going through as a daughter to someone with small cell carcinoma of the lung- Lung Cancer.
Dad had a fainting spell back in November, which was thought of as a stroke- because he didn't go to the hospital that day, we missed the opportunity to really see what happened. Through appointment after appointment we were told that he needed another chest X-ray - which led to a CT scan of his chest. From there he was sent to a thorasic surgon who did a biopsy -
Diagnosis
Small Cell Carcinoma of the Lung. We have met with his oncologist at the hospital and have been told that there are a few more tests to be done before we meet with 'The Board'. All of which, these tests must be done before the 16th of April. Monday morning, 2 tests - an MRI and a Bone Test ( cannot remember what it is called).
My father is being brave and has yet to show how he feels. I have been brave too. It is not easy to do when you know that if you show weakness to someone who is sick, it does not help them in any way. I know that the strength I have is here somewhere and will present itself when I need it most. Just wondering when it'll show up.
This blog is something I can control. Somewhere I can write about how I feel and put all my energy into so that I can be strong when needed most. I feel that it is a good thing to do-instead of talking all the time about it to my friends.... My poor friends- whom have been here for me - I love them dearly. You all know who you are. And with out them I'd be a puddle of mush. Love em, Love em, Love em.
So, today starts my own battle with understanding what is happening, my feelings and coming to grips with dad who has Lung Cancer.
I hope to share this with who ever reads my ramblings and hope to inspire others to contirbute to my blog and share their stories too.
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