Is this what it feels like to feel lonely? I've never felt like this before, there is an emptiness, a sense of loss and disconnectedness with those around me. I went back to work yesterday after a good couple of weeks off and well, I just don't have the desire to go back to work, I don't want to pretend to be happy, to tell people what they want to hear and I don't like lying to those I care for and love. I want to tell everyone that I am sad as hell and angry that dad is not around anymore to call, to go for breakfast with, to have a beer with, bug or just chat about the latest trade, or check into the boards... I want to be able to call him and just to hear his voice again.
I have to do a few more things before the estate is settled and well I just wish it'd all go away and be done with.
It is probably normal to feel this way and well I don't care for it at all - if you ask me. That said, dealing and moving on is all I could do. I could continue to say what people want to hear and just deal... Pharmacy smile all the way.
Empty... is what I feel, is all.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
What now?
It is time to clean out my dad's appartment. I know it must be done and that the landlord will need to have the place clean for a new tennant.... I feel that i'm violating my dad's privacy. Everynow and then I feel like he's here telling me not to throw this/that out. Once his apt. is cleaned out it'll be a relief however, i'll be sadder.
Uncle Edgar has been an angel sent from wherever angels come from. He's been a huge help and just to know that he's there to help me clean out apt., bring me to do some things in record time... OMG not sure how i'd do all of it with out him. Then there's my mom. She's the queen of angels. she's kept me level headed through out this ordeal, she's kept me strong and believe me when I say strong- stronger than ever. she's cleaned my place, kept me laughing and crying sometimes- ( we have our moments) and most of all she's been here for me... I can't tell you how blessed I am. Not only for the uncle, aunts, cousins, step-dad or mom that I have- I am blessed to have had the father that I had. I am at a loss for words as to what dad would say at this time but I know it's be something good.
...
Uncle Edgar has been an angel sent from wherever angels come from. He's been a huge help and just to know that he's there to help me clean out apt., bring me to do some things in record time... OMG not sure how i'd do all of it with out him. Then there's my mom. She's the queen of angels. she's kept me level headed through out this ordeal, she's kept me strong and believe me when I say strong- stronger than ever. she's cleaned my place, kept me laughing and crying sometimes- ( we have our moments) and most of all she's been here for me... I can't tell you how blessed I am. Not only for the uncle, aunts, cousins, step-dad or mom that I have- I am blessed to have had the father that I had. I am at a loss for words as to what dad would say at this time but I know it's be something good.
...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
May 19th, 2011-
Today my father died. I am really sad and I can't cry anymore. I want to take back the last year and a half and start over- so that he wouldn't be sick the way he was. Or would I? He'd have been sick anyhow with this despicable disease.
My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.
He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started
I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's
I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-
and I will remember him this way
I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.
My father was a good man, he was an honest, caring, loving, funny, kooky kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you were cold. My dad was a man that wasn't out of the way, a man who kept his word and loved his friends as much as he loved me. My dad believed in people and cared for so many. My dad was my best friend.
He suffered so much over the last 10 days that I don't even want to talk about it. think about it or even remember it. I want to remember him the way he was before all this started
I want to remember him on St. Patrick's day having a pint with me and the boys, the gang and the regulars at Hurley's
I will remember him when I look in the mirror and everyday. I will remember him silly-
and I will remember him this way
I love my dad. Rest now and watch over us.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Chemo Day
Today was the first day of dad's 2nd round of chemo. I will need to get the names straight but I think the chemo is CAV. It is given one day every 3 weeks and I sure hope the second treatment goes better than this one. It has been a long road so far but shorter than we thought. The chemo treatment has been changed from the previous protocol because it was too soon to start it up again. If I understand it correctly, the same protocol can be given only if it has been more than 6 months after the last treatment. It is too soon. So the new CAV treatment has started and dad must undergo a MUGA SCAN just to see if his heart is strong enough...
Dad, Of course, didn't eat this morning and is weak. He was wobbly after treatment and has had trouble walking - more than usual. He made it though and refuses to sleep in the spare bedroom as the hockey game is on in the living room... so, he will sleep on the couch. - Brand new bed in the room and dad is sleeping on the sofa... Go figure... Let me just say that he is stubborn. :)
I am a little (ok alot) concerned about this treatment because if he is going to get weaker and weaker then he'll need to move in with me and to this date he refuses to. Not sure how i'll get him to make that decision but i'll keep on it.
Between you (my 9 faithful followers) and I, dad looks old now and is skin and bones. I touched his shoulder and his back and holy moses he's basically just bones with a thin coating of skin. I want to make him eat, drink and eat some more... fatten him up. This damn F&*@&)G desease is a wicked and stupid and pathetic and is well, bull crap!!! If I were to meet this Cancer I'd blow it up to smitherines.... Rat B@*@&ard. Ok I'm done swearing now and sorry for that to those of you who don't appreciate swearting- It feels good to swear as it's the only thing I feel I could do.
May 24th Next session of this 2nd round of chemo.
Dad, Of course, didn't eat this morning and is weak. He was wobbly after treatment and has had trouble walking - more than usual. He made it though and refuses to sleep in the spare bedroom as the hockey game is on in the living room... so, he will sleep on the couch. - Brand new bed in the room and dad is sleeping on the sofa... Go figure... Let me just say that he is stubborn. :)
I am a little (ok alot) concerned about this treatment because if he is going to get weaker and weaker then he'll need to move in with me and to this date he refuses to. Not sure how i'll get him to make that decision but i'll keep on it.
Between you (my 9 faithful followers) and I, dad looks old now and is skin and bones. I touched his shoulder and his back and holy moses he's basically just bones with a thin coating of skin. I want to make him eat, drink and eat some more... fatten him up. This damn F&*@&)G desease is a wicked and stupid and pathetic and is well, bull crap!!! If I were to meet this Cancer I'd blow it up to smitherines.... Rat B@*@&ard. Ok I'm done swearing now and sorry for that to those of you who don't appreciate swearting- It feels good to swear as it's the only thing I feel I could do.
May 24th Next session of this 2nd round of chemo.
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