An Emotional Wreck

I think that Dad and I about to blow a gasckit. There were times when I though that we would pull through this and be happy and merry and definitly cancer free...

not on your life- or mine - or dads. It Sucks. plain and simple.

I will mention that i'm kinda freaking out now, but I have been on auto pilot since Thursday 10 am. I have yet to sit and think about it, mind you , I have done nothing but think about it. It will get worse before all of this is over and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It sucks.

I have yet to talk to dad about how I feel for I fear that if he knows that i'm freaking out he'll get down and that won't help his moral in the whole Chemo situation. I need him to be strong, I need him to eat and drink and I would like it if he'd move in BUT he refuses to move in and he is trying to eat and drink as much as he can, and he is. I'm happy about that.

Let me back track a bit. A while back dad said he had a bad feeling about the MRI and CT scan that he just had. He was right. Thursday morning he had an apt. with Dr. P and the news was not good.

- He has water in the lung, 'the right hemithroax' and the nodes are 'markedly larger' as well as 50% water on the lung... (holy crap -i'm thinkin') they can't take out the water as there is also air in there. I am not sure what that means.

- there is also 'multiple low attenuation nodules scattered through out both lobes of the liver consistent with metastases increased from previous.' Damn, Joy oh Joy!!!

-Dr. P said that I shouldn't be worried about that right now, that he knows that I like to keep copies of all tests and reports - that's why he gave me the 'final report on CT SCAN THROAX, ABDOMEN AND PELVIS C+' report. The Chemo will take care of all of that... (oh my).

- The other option would be to DO NOTHING (quote -un-quote) and wait a couple of months and see.
UMMMMM, NO! Dad didn't quite understand why the Dr. gave 2 options because the second would be pointless "what's the point? That's stupid, we'll do chemo!". All the while I'm trying not to throw everything off Dr.P's desk and out the window.

It has been almost a complete year to the day that Dr. P wanted to schedule Chemotherapy. Last year he wanted to start Chemo on May 3rd it was a Monday and my Birthday. But something changed the Dr's mind and he had to schedule more tests and then made the chemo start on June 1st 2010.

Dad starts chemo (with apparently some minor changes to the chemo regime) on May 2nd and has 3 sessions - Tuesday and Wednesday.

It begins.

Inhale - Exhale-

Stay tuned for April 28th, 2011. Dr.'s Appointment with news of starting more treatments? I don't know what this means? I don't think I quite get what is going on.. and I don' think I could handle much more- however, I'm not the one going through this. What I should have written was I don't think Dad can go through more of this crap.

I want Dad to be free of the big C and like he was before all this shit started.

Can anyone help him? Just make the cancer go away and make him feel good? I'd make a deal with the devil --- any takers?