Fragmin iu/ml
Poor dad. I was concerned about his leg being swollen in one leg only- I am glad I called the hospital. Thanks to dad's nurse, she made things happen so that we didn't have to go to emerg. She's fantastic. HIP HIP HORRAY for Renee!
Dad has to inject himself everyday for at least 30 days with this 15 000 ui dose of fragmin iu/ml. He's becoming a pharmaceutical wonder patient... as his meds are getting expensive and they are loving him i'm sure. he's not loving it though. Thank goodness for insurance.
apart from that, he's still tired and he's still not eating much.. not for the lack of not wanting to but for the fact that he forgets or is out and doesn't think.
He has lost weight though - not much but 8 pounds give or take since the last weighing. NOT GOOD.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Faith ?!? Just throwing things out there--
I know what you all are thinking. I am not so sure I know what I'm thinking. Faith has been rattling around my brain for the last couple of months. I am a good person ( relatively (sp?)..) I try to be kind, love, learn from my mistakes, be compassionate, understanding, towards people- how do I justify it? I am drawn to an old way of thinking that I don't fit into, and I am something that, that way of life doesn't support- I believe wholeheartedly that if you believe in something, and will it to be, it will be.
Through patience, practice things will be what they are supposed to be. Am I to question this way of thought because of what I believe, of what we are going through, is something that is against our power, being? Shall I throw my way of life out and go back to the old way of life- to beleive in a power out of our control and accept?
I am not viewing my old faith as bad, or not valid- in fact it has given my alot to think about the last few weeks/ days/ months. I like to think that I have both faiths working for me... however- right now it doesn't feel like it. The only faith that seems to be working for me (my dad is what I mean) is the faith in science. Is science even a faith? I would like to believe that science has been created by a higher being(s) and will help however, without the higher power there would be nothing.
When I was small, I hated going to church because I was forced to go. I didn't understand what it all meant and to be honest church is still a bit fuzzy for me. I know that when I am in a church I am peaceful, a quietness is within- BUT when I am at home practicing my own faith I feel the same way. I am sure that most of you will have something to say about this and I appreciate all opinions...
Faith in any manner of speaking , mindframe or way is something that I will accept right now. The hole at the end of the tunnel is so far away- I could see a light though... which is a good sign, right?
I will struggle with this for a good while as I haven't been able to figure things out ever!
Too many questions, too little answers. Chalk it up to just accepting things- hard to do, but let's give it a go... whaddaya say?
Prayers are accepted and welcomed, thoughts too... as mentioned in earlier posts HUGs are hard... so thank you for the hugs virtually! sounds funny however- me being a puddle of mush isn't productive, in any way whatsoever.
What is it that I always say??? Smile, pharmacy smile style-and just breathe.
Through patience, practice things will be what they are supposed to be. Am I to question this way of thought because of what I believe, of what we are going through, is something that is against our power, being? Shall I throw my way of life out and go back to the old way of life- to beleive in a power out of our control and accept?
I am not viewing my old faith as bad, or not valid- in fact it has given my alot to think about the last few weeks/ days/ months. I like to think that I have both faiths working for me... however- right now it doesn't feel like it. The only faith that seems to be working for me (my dad is what I mean) is the faith in science. Is science even a faith? I would like to believe that science has been created by a higher being(s) and will help however, without the higher power there would be nothing.
When I was small, I hated going to church because I was forced to go. I didn't understand what it all meant and to be honest church is still a bit fuzzy for me. I know that when I am in a church I am peaceful, a quietness is within- BUT when I am at home practicing my own faith I feel the same way. I am sure that most of you will have something to say about this and I appreciate all opinions...
Faith in any manner of speaking , mindframe or way is something that I will accept right now. The hole at the end of the tunnel is so far away- I could see a light though... which is a good sign, right?
I will struggle with this for a good while as I haven't been able to figure things out ever!
Too many questions, too little answers. Chalk it up to just accepting things- hard to do, but let's give it a go... whaddaya say?
Prayers are accepted and welcomed, thoughts too... as mentioned in earlier posts HUGs are hard... so thank you for the hugs virtually! sounds funny however- me being a puddle of mush isn't productive, in any way whatsoever.
What is it that I always say??? Smile, pharmacy smile style-and just breathe.
Blood Pressure problems
Once again dad has finished his second round of neupogen. That means seven days of going to CLSC's to get his injection at roughly the same time every day. This time around Dad has been experiencing low blood pressure. He's been tired these last few days , has cramps in his legs and is basically blah. The nurse at the CLSC told him he should be going to the hospital with his low blood pressure- I think she kinda freaked him out a bit.
Since yesterday he has bought some fruit and I think it might have dawned on him that eating in the afternoon would be a good idea since he is feeling weak. I however will not say a thing- as the nurse at the CLSC told him to eat better and eat in the afternoon. What the heck do I know... ;)
I bought him a blood pressure machine and I assume that he will take it- however I cannot garauntee (sp?) it. At least dad does not have a fever so far... that would not be good. That would mean countless hours in the hospital emergency room which he does not want to be in.
I am concerned because he doesn't sound good. I can't ask him how he feels as he changes subject. So if any of you know how he's feeling then please feel free to let me know.
He's a bugger my dad, a bugger (as my grandma used to call me-)
Since yesterday he has bought some fruit and I think it might have dawned on him that eating in the afternoon would be a good idea since he is feeling weak. I however will not say a thing- as the nurse at the CLSC told him to eat better and eat in the afternoon. What the heck do I know... ;)
I bought him a blood pressure machine and I assume that he will take it- however I cannot garauntee (sp?) it. At least dad does not have a fever so far... that would not be good. That would mean countless hours in the hospital emergency room which he does not want to be in.
I am concerned because he doesn't sound good. I can't ask him how he feels as he changes subject. So if any of you know how he's feeling then please feel free to let me know.
He's a bugger my dad, a bugger (as my grandma used to call me-)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
today's another day
Dad is not feeling so hot today. He is quite tired and his blood pressure is a bit low -as the nurse told him. He's not up to eating much tonight and is resting with his legs up. His temp is alright - I guess we'll see how things go this evening and tomorrow. The last time he felt this way the symptoms didn't last a long time. I'm hoping it'll pass.
conscious - working overtime.
conscious - working overtime.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
my conscious
Going back to what my boss said to me that has stuck with me- I must steal my self away. He has dealt with cancer from being a pharmacist and losing his mother to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was confused by what he meant however, I have since then learned.
I am stealing myself away (am I distancing myself) ? I don't know? Now that school is finished I have more time on my hands I should have more time for my father- I do, however I find myself wanting to be alone more than ever. I spent the weekend with friends and haven't really talked with dad since yesterday morning. Do I feel guilty? YES. I need not to think about appointments, tests, chemo, results, tumors... does that make me a bad daughter? Yes.
I feel overwhelmed when I shouldn't be, aggrivated when there is no need to be and angry/ upset at the drop of the hat. This is just the way I feel- it is not my dad's fault, solely my own.
Life has a funny way of working- you do your best to be good, nice and the best you can be and there is always something that counteracts that way of thinking. I question my faith, my friendships, my relationships, my family, myself, and I can't understand how to manage things on my own, even with the help of my friends, family, faith. Where do you go when life is shit? Where do you put your thoughts and feelings? A spouse, better half, a familiar (cat/dog/fish)? What do they do to make things better? Does it pass? And how long does it take to pass? I am not the writer that some of my friends are, or a person with the gift of words - I do feel better when I write how I am feeling, like here today, but I don't like feeling the way I do.
My dad and I are close, always have been and our dynamic will change eventually- if I don't change the way I feel- meaning aggrivated, angry, upset. I don't want it to! Am I making sense? It all sounds good in my head- believe it or not.
There are numberous things/decisions I have to take care of/make over the next few months and these decisions are important to me. WIll I be able to make them and live with them, concentrate on them, work towards them? I hope so. I need to, have to, and as usual I will.
Last set of questions- where does the strength/will come from? Is it because I"m working on autopilot? Will I run out of steam? WIll I really have a mental breakdown that I keep joking about having? Will it really come to pass?
The answer: maybe- maybe not.
I am stealing myself away (am I distancing myself) ? I don't know? Now that school is finished I have more time on my hands I should have more time for my father- I do, however I find myself wanting to be alone more than ever. I spent the weekend with friends and haven't really talked with dad since yesterday morning. Do I feel guilty? YES. I need not to think about appointments, tests, chemo, results, tumors... does that make me a bad daughter? Yes.
I feel overwhelmed when I shouldn't be, aggrivated when there is no need to be and angry/ upset at the drop of the hat. This is just the way I feel- it is not my dad's fault, solely my own.
Life has a funny way of working- you do your best to be good, nice and the best you can be and there is always something that counteracts that way of thinking. I question my faith, my friendships, my relationships, my family, myself, and I can't understand how to manage things on my own, even with the help of my friends, family, faith. Where do you go when life is shit? Where do you put your thoughts and feelings? A spouse, better half, a familiar (cat/dog/fish)? What do they do to make things better? Does it pass? And how long does it take to pass? I am not the writer that some of my friends are, or a person with the gift of words - I do feel better when I write how I am feeling, like here today, but I don't like feeling the way I do.
My dad and I are close, always have been and our dynamic will change eventually- if I don't change the way I feel- meaning aggrivated, angry, upset. I don't want it to! Am I making sense? It all sounds good in my head- believe it or not.
There are numberous things/decisions I have to take care of/make over the next few months and these decisions are important to me. WIll I be able to make them and live with them, concentrate on them, work towards them? I hope so. I need to, have to, and as usual I will.
Last set of questions- where does the strength/will come from? Is it because I"m working on autopilot? Will I run out of steam? WIll I really have a mental breakdown that I keep joking about having? Will it really come to pass?
The answer: maybe- maybe not.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
PET scan
Today we went for the regular bloods, chat with Dr P and Chemo- dad's bloods are great, his result from the PET scan came through and I am happy to say that the cancer has NOT spread anywhere else. " Everything looks good" said Dr. P. "it (the cancer) is only located in the lung." A sigh of relief that this small cell lung cancer has not spread to the liver, kidney, the other lung or anywhere else in the brain (3 tumors in the head is enough, no?!).
Dad has been steady in weight, although his eye sight has been wonky on him, he seems to be handling it very well. HIs appetite has been good, he puts up a fight to eat but then finishes everything on his plate. He has little or no side effects from the chemo except his hair falling out. His head is tender from the high doses of Radiation that he had but apart from that... I'm happy with the progress. The Dr.'s seem to be too.
This is the third round of chemo out of 6- that means on Thursday we are half way there! It seems like forever since we've started on June 1st, 2010. It feels like everything is running smoothly, that nothing seems to be going wronge, I am waiting for something to happen to ruin it all. That always seems to be the way- however, there will be nothing that will let me get down about how things are going with dad.
I feel confident that dad could over come this bastard of a disease BUT the statistical odds are against him. He's a stubburn man and will prove everyone wronge. And he will too!
On that note, I hope that he will prove it too!
Chemo again tomorrow, and Thursday.
Dad has been steady in weight, although his eye sight has been wonky on him, he seems to be handling it very well. HIs appetite has been good, he puts up a fight to eat but then finishes everything on his plate. He has little or no side effects from the chemo except his hair falling out. His head is tender from the high doses of Radiation that he had but apart from that... I'm happy with the progress. The Dr.'s seem to be too.
This is the third round of chemo out of 6- that means on Thursday we are half way there! It seems like forever since we've started on June 1st, 2010. It feels like everything is running smoothly, that nothing seems to be going wronge, I am waiting for something to happen to ruin it all. That always seems to be the way- however, there will be nothing that will let me get down about how things are going with dad.
I feel confident that dad could over come this bastard of a disease BUT the statistical odds are against him. He's a stubburn man and will prove everyone wronge. And he will too!
On that note, I hope that he will prove it too!
Chemo again tomorrow, and Thursday.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Where to begin?
I've been on vacation (if you will) for 2 weeks, I've graduated -- a BA in a Joint Specialization in Anthropology and Sociology at Concordia University and I've survived having my 3 parents around me 24/7. I'm not doing so bad.
Dad is doing well, he's had to shave (#2- not sure what that means in hairstyles- means? the blade the hairdresser used??) his head becasue his hair was falling out in malting preportions, so he did it. I am still not used to seeing him that way however, he wears his baseball cap all the time.
Dad has been getting Neuopgen injections for the last couple of days. He must have these injections after every chemo session. He has 2 sessions under his belt now and one round of Neupogen injections (that finish Friday, tomorrow) - he's looking forward to that. He is also getting radiation on the whole brain now because after the Radiosurgery the whole brain has to be radiated to prevent other tumors from sprouting up. Needless to say dad is fed up of running around. To be honest I would be too. He's had to endure these appointments on his own. I have been letting him do them by himself as I found him depending too much on me to sit with him.. and with Mom and Bo here, I have been trying to stay with them too. These two things (apts) are quick ones and although I feel guilty about letting him do them by himself - he could manage them. Plus I must work. I might be concidered a bad daughter after you all reading this but- I need some peice of mind too.
According to a friend, having a tumor in the Right Frontal Lobe of your brain can cause personality changes... I have been noticing some minor differences in dad over the last coulple of weeks- I hav been chalking it up to me being a pain in the ass daughter- because he doesn't listen to me- kinda thing.. however- the differences are minor and they bug me more than anyone else, least of all dad. I will ask the dr. what it's all about.
The reasons for the Neupogen injections are to boost his white blood cell count, the chemo is killing the good guys off before his body could produce more of them. This cancer business is stupid. This "cancer" all kinds of it- is smart, amazingly smart. It can split cells, and mutate at friggen record speed. I don't like it one bit. If only...
Although I only have 6 followers on this blog (love you guys) I feel the need constantly to write on it. Ramblings, rantings and much more BUT I realize that you all don't need to read my every thought nor would I bore you to death with them. But thank you for joining my blog- I feel important now. psst. Dad doesnt' know I am writing this blog, not sure how he'd feel about it and besides this is the way that i could get things off my chest with out going to a shrink... soon to come though!
Dad has been short tempered (kinda) with me these days and I don't blame him ( i'm a pain in the ass). So after yesterdays 'pointing his finger at me and basically yelling at me', I told myself to back off and let him eat macdonalds (as crappy as it is with no nutrient value!!!), let him drink beer till his heart's content, to not eat at all, and to avoid water- (although his kidneys will get damaged by the chemo)- it's his life and although I love him to bits- it's his kidneys that will need dialasis and it's his life, he may do what he wants with it. Who am I - oh wait! I'm his ONLY child! I don't seem to count. But hey... (i'm rambling again).
I will be supportive and there when i am needed- the shoulder, the rock, the stone to step upon should need be. However, I will try not to loose my sense of self in the process. That should not make me a bad person. especially when it is getting overwhelming.
Today is Canada's Birthday - July 1st. the temperature is nice (sweater is needed) but no rain so far... Time for picture taking. :) Thanks for reading my ramblings, rantings, and other stuff...
Dad is doing well, he's had to shave (#2- not sure what that means in hairstyles- means? the blade the hairdresser used??) his head becasue his hair was falling out in malting preportions, so he did it. I am still not used to seeing him that way however, he wears his baseball cap all the time.
Dad has been getting Neuopgen injections for the last couple of days. He must have these injections after every chemo session. He has 2 sessions under his belt now and one round of Neupogen injections (that finish Friday, tomorrow) - he's looking forward to that. He is also getting radiation on the whole brain now because after the Radiosurgery the whole brain has to be radiated to prevent other tumors from sprouting up. Needless to say dad is fed up of running around. To be honest I would be too. He's had to endure these appointments on his own. I have been letting him do them by himself as I found him depending too much on me to sit with him.. and with Mom and Bo here, I have been trying to stay with them too. These two things (apts) are quick ones and although I feel guilty about letting him do them by himself - he could manage them. Plus I must work. I might be concidered a bad daughter after you all reading this but- I need some peice of mind too.
According to a friend, having a tumor in the Right Frontal Lobe of your brain can cause personality changes... I have been noticing some minor differences in dad over the last coulple of weeks- I hav been chalking it up to me being a pain in the ass daughter- because he doesn't listen to me- kinda thing.. however- the differences are minor and they bug me more than anyone else, least of all dad. I will ask the dr. what it's all about.
The reasons for the Neupogen injections are to boost his white blood cell count, the chemo is killing the good guys off before his body could produce more of them. This cancer business is stupid. This "cancer" all kinds of it- is smart, amazingly smart. It can split cells, and mutate at friggen record speed. I don't like it one bit. If only...
Although I only have 6 followers on this blog (love you guys) I feel the need constantly to write on it. Ramblings, rantings and much more BUT I realize that you all don't need to read my every thought nor would I bore you to death with them. But thank you for joining my blog- I feel important now. psst. Dad doesnt' know I am writing this blog, not sure how he'd feel about it and besides this is the way that i could get things off my chest with out going to a shrink... soon to come though!
Dad has been short tempered (kinda) with me these days and I don't blame him ( i'm a pain in the ass). So after yesterdays 'pointing his finger at me and basically yelling at me', I told myself to back off and let him eat macdonalds (as crappy as it is with no nutrient value!!!), let him drink beer till his heart's content, to not eat at all, and to avoid water- (although his kidneys will get damaged by the chemo)- it's his life and although I love him to bits- it's his kidneys that will need dialasis and it's his life, he may do what he wants with it. Who am I - oh wait! I'm his ONLY child! I don't seem to count. But hey... (i'm rambling again).
I will be supportive and there when i am needed- the shoulder, the rock, the stone to step upon should need be. However, I will try not to loose my sense of self in the process. That should not make me a bad person. especially when it is getting overwhelming.
Today is Canada's Birthday - July 1st. the temperature is nice (sweater is needed) but no rain so far... Time for picture taking. :) Thanks for reading my ramblings, rantings, and other stuff...
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