Sleep-

Last night I went to bed at 7:30 and basically slept until 7 am. I did not dream my crazy dreams that I usually have- I hardly moved in the bed. Boy was I tired. I think that when averaging 2-3 hours a night for a little while; it'll catch up to you.. I am so glad it did. I feel rested, relieved and although I am still tense around my shoulders, I could manage to breathe properly.

I was able to talk the nurse in charge of my dad's case and am glad that she is really nice. My dad said he would marry her - just by the sound of her voice- delusion, due to the cancer ;) I wonder what she looks like? She is really nice though, she took the time to answer all of my questions and went over everything with me that I seemed to have let slip though my ears after the word 'tumor'. She will be there on Thursday the 29th.

Tomorrow we have an apt. with the Radiology department at the MGH. Tuesday we have an apt. with the Neurosurg. Dr. both of which will let us know what to do- if anything. then another apt on the 29th, with the results of his 'second' opinion of his biopsy - it seems that when things stand still and then all of a sudden they start to snowball. overwhelming is an understatement.

So, I steal myself away with drinks after work with friends, with cooking things I love to cook and with Hockey- my saving grace this past season. One other thing that I will be stealing myself away with would be taking more pictures. I have let my 'photo-a-day' slip and I have let my friend down ( I am sure I have- and I am jealous that she has such beautiful photos, many more than I have now :( .) That's the next order of business. Maybe I'll post some here? What do you think?

Ok, I am babblein. I will say that although I have many acquaintences I have few friends. I will not name them because I know that they know who they are. They have inspired me to be stronger than I thought I could be and I thank them for that. These friends are always checking in on me at random times just to see how I'm holding up. I know that my father knows this too. and thanks them too! When I was younger I was embarrest to say 'I love you". I am not sure why but I am glad that I have out grown that silliness... and I must say to my friends 'I love you'.

judgement day - wasn't

Today we were supposed to find out what type of treatment dad was supposed to have- that didn't happen. We met with the team of Doctors that are going to take care of dad... They are all so nice.

Dad has a tumor in his brain.

What exactly does that mean? He would have to have surgury or radiation. We are waiting for the Neuro to call us and MGH to call for the radiation part. It's one or the other. Do we want to have one or the other? what does it mean? Everything is a blur and we must wait some more- go for more tests and sit down and figure it out.

Dr.P the oncologist wasn't there today and neither was our head nurse... so we basically just found out that he has a tumor that mastasized in the brain. That's it. How long does all this take? What other options are there for us- it seemed to be so fast that all of this is just hitting me now.

I can't really talk about... had a really rough afternoon. it wont' be getting easier. or better. Come to grips with it and go from there.

All my thoughts keep going back to how long does dad have to live? He doesn't seem to have any problems- but is it masked by the fact that the tumor is affecting things? Should I be bringing this up with him now? at all? Of course I should but I need to not break down in front of him.

All of these questions are not answered. I am hoping that all these questions will be answered within the next week or so.

My boss said to me yesterday that I need to steal my self away. I wasn't sure what he meant by that until now. I know that I have to do that and keep myself sane. Writing here on this blog helps. Talking with my friends help too, however I don't want to be that girl who drags everyone down with her problems... I cannot be that person. I will have to ask the nurse for some help with dealing with this. I don't think that I am capable of doing this alone.

until monday I guess.

my third entry.

I am not so sure how I feel. Dad looks alright except that he's a bit pale today, he mentioned that he slept from 9:30 last night until 10 or so this morning. He's getting more tired. He hasn't given up the idea that he could go into work after three days of chemo- and we haven't even started yet. He's worried that his insurance will not accept him. He's a silly goose!

So, yesterday night I did a 'blog search' on google and found some blogs- I've added them to the listings on the side here... i've given some thought about them and I am not so sure that I could continue searching for other people who are going through what I am going through. Half or more of the people that turned up on my blog have discontinued their bloggings- leading me to believe the worst! I don't know if I could continue looking for others in this situation.

For those who know me well - know that I don't share my feelings or show emotion all that often (when it comes to heavy matters like this). And those who don't know me all that well usually get the wrong impression about me. It is hard to be in the middle of both places right now. I want to show emotion but can not and I want to remain strong but break down reading someone's blog. I cannot understand what feeling I am feeling right now.

This after noon Dad and I went to see DR. W. today. Dr. W was the Doctor that we saw at St. Mary's in mid November for his fainting spell. He mentioned that Dad had some arteries in his neck that were getting blocked- (I am thinking Plavix for the arteries- right?) well, Dad continued chattin the to Dr. W and mentioned that since November we found out that he has Cancer. Dr.W sat back and you could tell his mind was thinking.. what ever happened in that split second thought made him think twice aoubt giving him something for the arteries. I know that he is a good Doctor. and I was hoping that he would give him something but I know what he was thinking- I am not sure that Dad picked it up. He wants us to get the chemo out of the way and then come back to see him with a bloodtest for his cholesterol. All the while looking at me - staring through me- then asked me 'and are you ok?' I almost lost my balance- But Dad was there. The doctor thinks that that is the last time he will see my father as a patient. I could tell.

How do I Feel about it? I don't want pitty- I don't want sympathy- I want this bastard of a disease gone! I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to lose my father.

One day at a time I say to people at the pharmacy- did I ever mean it? Yeah, I think I did... I do now if I haven't meant it before. Damn it.

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On a brighter note- the leaves on the trees are starting to come out (blossom- grow?) and they are just so pretty. The colors are gorgeous. It's the little things that should help. Besides my friends and close family of course... but the trees are what got me though this afternoon.

I should post a picture .. I will try to take a picture of what got me through the day. I know it should be my dad writing this blog about how he feels -- but this blog is about how I feel.. Am I selfish? I don't know? Don't hold it against me.

one day of frustration down and many more to come

The machine to do the Total Bone Body test broke down, dad has yet to think of calling to make the apt. Since all of these tests have to be done by the 16th of April. I am frustrated because dad still doesn't realize the seriousness of getting things done so we could start treatment.

Am I supposed to let him do it on his own and get things done according to his time, when I know that the cancer could be spreading or has spread? Am I to be left with making all the appointments for him when he is perfectly capable to do it himself now? I do not want to pressure him or 'mother' him as someone once said... But geeze... Come on!

So 8:30 Thursday am at St Mary's again for the total bone body test. Let's hope it's a go... I don't think I could wait another week when I know that this is the fastest spreading cancer.

We were told that we should ask if there are studies or clinical trials that are being done at mcgill, they are big in cancer research - re: Dr. Ziggy (as dad calls him).

Now that school is over I am able to focus on this, get things done and continue to be on auto pilote.

Does anyone have a plane I could fly?

Keep you posted soon.

My first entry

Today is April 8, 2010. I am hoping that this blog will allow me to understand what I am going through as a daughter to someone with small cell carcinoma of the lung- Lung Cancer.

Dad had a fainting spell back in November, which was thought of as a stroke- because he didn't go to the hospital that day, we missed the opportunity to really see what happened. Through appointment after appointment we were told that he needed another chest X-ray - which led to a CT scan of his chest. From there he was sent to a thorasic surgon who did a biopsy -

Diagnosis

Small Cell Carcinoma of the Lung. We have met with his oncologist at the hospital and have been told that there are a few more tests to be done before we meet with 'The Board'. All of which, these tests must be done before the 16th of April. Monday morning, 2 tests - an MRI and a Bone Test ( cannot remember what it is called).

My father is being brave and has yet to show how he feels. I have been brave too. It is not easy to do when you know that if you show weakness to someone who is sick, it does not help them in any way. I know that the strength I have is here somewhere and will present itself when I need it most. Just wondering when it'll show up.

This blog is something I can control. Somewhere I can write about how I feel and put all my energy into so that I can be strong when needed most. I feel that it is a good thing to do-instead of talking all the time about it to my friends.... My poor friends- whom have been here for me - I love them dearly. You all know who you are. And with out them I'd be a puddle of mush. Love em, Love em, Love em.

So, today starts my own battle with understanding what is happening, my feelings and coming to grips with dad who has Lung Cancer.

I hope to share this with who ever reads my ramblings and hope to inspire others to contirbute to my blog and share their stories too.