Stay tuned for April 28th, 2011. Dr.'s Appointment with news of starting more treatments? I don't know what this means? I don't think I quite get what is going on.. and I don' think I could handle much more- however, I'm not the one going through this. What I should have written was I don't think Dad can go through more of this crap.
I want Dad to be free of the big C and like he was before all this shit started.
Can anyone help him? Just make the cancer go away and make him feel good? I'd make a deal with the devil --- any takers?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patrick's Day
The day started with me waking up at 2 am. I am awake at this hour because I am anxious about today, I am flying to Newfoundland- It's Mabel Babel's 60th Birthday on Sunday. Please do not tell her that I am going down to Newfoundland for her birthday because it is a SURPRIZE! She hasn't a clue. I should be there around 5:30 or so 4 o'clock MTL time - then add 1.5 or so hours to get to Winterton.
I am very excited to be going to Newfoundland because it is a joyous occation. The last time I was there Bo (my step dad) had prostate cancer. Fun stuff eh?
NO!
Dad seems to be alright, he's going to feed Willow for me. :) Dad has to go for another MRI on the 4th of April and a blood test a week before. His Creatinine level was NORMAL, well within normal range on his last apt. with Dr. P. This was a big surpirize for me because this means that all the nagging, ( I am a really good nagger- if nothing else!) a pest, a royal pain in the ass about him drinking - anything. He needs to keep doing what he is doing so that he could have the proper test...
I am trying to be optimistic and positive especially around dad... I make jokes and try to make him laugh (you all know my sense of humor- sometimes not that funny) it's better than making him upset which I seem to do too. Hopefully he laughs more than he is mad or upset. I'm worried that somehting will happen while i'm away and I won't be here if something does. I am worried that if something does happen and he needs me I won't be able to get back in time. Yeah I know. nothing will happen. But honestly- I will try to have a good time and dad will be fine.
Since today is St. Patrick's Day - i'd like to share some photo's from last year of dad and I. I won't be here for the parade this year as will be away- the first year in 17-18 years that I will not be at parade with dad. It's tradition. Here you go. Enjoy. P.S this is just as he was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer.
Enoy the day - the parade- the friends and family around you and have a pint of guiness for me please.
Top of the morning to ya's !
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Totally Untitled
it's been a while since i've blogged, I keep thinking of all these things to say: 'that's good point or idea, i'll need to remember to put this on the blog' and of course I go about my buisness and totally forget to mark it down.
Dads appointments this past week were some what uneventful and tiring. He had an apt at the neuro for a MRI on monday, then the results on tuesday. The results were great- NO NEW TUMORS. And to get results for the blood tests and CT scan. I find that the appointments are somewhat un-necessary. Let me explain- the Dr.'s are wonderful and are doing the best to help dad during this time but I (let me stress "I") feel that up until now the results have been pretty much the same.
These results are different. I've read the written report for the CT scan and noticed a couple of things, there seems to be 2 other mass' or nodes that have developed. one 14mm (which i'm not sure is important because the Dr only semmed to be worried about the 9mm node ...
'i'll see you in a month' ... really? no further tests to see if it / tbey increase in size???
I don't know - I'm not a Doctor. I'm helpless to the lingo and really not good at being patient. I can't sleep and I think i'm on edge... (yes, it always turns out to be about me--- not really) .
The run down as to why I think it is different this time around are his symptoms. Dad has lost 28 pounds in just under 2 mths and has no desire to eat, he's moody and irritable (more than he used to be and more than i am), he is grumpy and sometimes nasty. I know that he is not like that in general and probably doesn't mean to be moody-- but how would you feel with a disease that will end your life sooner than expected. I know that these symptoms are a result of going through chemo, radiation and the like, but there is more to it than I can explain. Anyhow, I feel that things are taking too long and should be on the Cancer highway out of town and on the road to recovery- that's not the case.
March 10th is the next appointment. I'm looking for good news and not some more procrastination. I'm not complaining at the Dr's work or ability to do their job, I just wish that they could really preform miracles and not just seem to sit around until it's too late.
Dad will die of this disease and it is really a shame and sad that people including my dad have to go through this hell.
I'm just going to finish on that note because I really don't know what else to say or write without being tagged for obsinities and being kicked off of blogger- because I just want to swear and yell and scream... it'll make me look stupid, feel better and it'll be completely pointless. Instead i'll just wish and hope for the best, dad to get the feeling back in the tips of his fingers and toes, to gain back his appetite, to be 30 pounds heavier, and to be able to walk 10 feet without being out of breath and having to stop. and thank the powers that be that he is not in any pain AT ALL, that the cancer hasn't gone into his kidneys, liver or pancrease...
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!
Dads appointments this past week were some what uneventful and tiring. He had an apt at the neuro for a MRI on monday, then the results on tuesday. The results were great- NO NEW TUMORS. And to get results for the blood tests and CT scan. I find that the appointments are somewhat un-necessary. Let me explain- the Dr.'s are wonderful and are doing the best to help dad during this time but I (let me stress "I") feel that up until now the results have been pretty much the same.
These results are different. I've read the written report for the CT scan and noticed a couple of things, there seems to be 2 other mass' or nodes that have developed. one 14mm (which i'm not sure is important because the Dr only semmed to be worried about the 9mm node ...
'i'll see you in a month' ... really? no further tests to see if it / tbey increase in size???
I don't know - I'm not a Doctor. I'm helpless to the lingo and really not good at being patient. I can't sleep and I think i'm on edge... (yes, it always turns out to be about me--- not really) .
The run down as to why I think it is different this time around are his symptoms. Dad has lost 28 pounds in just under 2 mths and has no desire to eat, he's moody and irritable (more than he used to be and more than i am), he is grumpy and sometimes nasty. I know that he is not like that in general and probably doesn't mean to be moody-- but how would you feel with a disease that will end your life sooner than expected. I know that these symptoms are a result of going through chemo, radiation and the like, but there is more to it than I can explain. Anyhow, I feel that things are taking too long and should be on the Cancer highway out of town and on the road to recovery- that's not the case.
March 10th is the next appointment. I'm looking for good news and not some more procrastination. I'm not complaining at the Dr's work or ability to do their job, I just wish that they could really preform miracles and not just seem to sit around until it's too late.
Dad will die of this disease and it is really a shame and sad that people including my dad have to go through this hell.
I'm just going to finish on that note because I really don't know what else to say or write without being tagged for obsinities and being kicked off of blogger- because I just want to swear and yell and scream... it'll make me look stupid, feel better and it'll be completely pointless. Instead i'll just wish and hope for the best, dad to get the feeling back in the tips of his fingers and toes, to gain back his appetite, to be 30 pounds heavier, and to be able to walk 10 feet without being out of breath and having to stop. and thank the powers that be that he is not in any pain AT ALL, that the cancer hasn't gone into his kidneys, liver or pancrease...
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I could do this
This afternoon I had lunch with my father (I had lunch - dad had 1/2 a bowl of soup). Dad mentioned that he was thinking about all of the food he has been wasting - he doesn't have the desire to cook anymore. He told me that he will eat canned goods or stuff that I make for him. My thoughts were:
1. it'll sit in the freezer like my spagetti sauce
2. he'll make it, and then not want to eat it, then throw it out
...
This broke open the conversation that I've been trying to have with him for some time now.
"Dad when are you going to come live with me? I've got the spare bedroom, the appartment is warm, you won't be alone and you will have food on the table!- you won't have to cook"
Dad's reply was "I don't know, What will i do with all my stuff? well it's just the TV, my couch and some of my clothes- Not much come to think of it"
Done! Problem solved.. I think.
The loss of dad's independance is not something that I want to happen. I want him to eat, to drink and be merry. By drinking I mean - fluids, not beer and so far he isn't drinking either. I do not want to force him into making a decision he will regret nor do i want to make one that both of us will regret. I must re-evaluate my priorities and own up to them. This is a no brainer and yet it will be a major life adjustment for me, more so for my father.
Who's scared??? who? ME that's who! scared shitless!
I've been living on my own since 21 and now I'm soon to be 37. Could I possibly think of this situation getting worse? Yes. I'm not talking about me getting a room mate- my dad- I'm talking about all the horrible things that could be in the near future. I wish I could bail and basically take the easy way out. Or have a sibling to throw my hands up in the air and say "you deal with it" or better yet-be the dynamic duo that we once were. I would love that. But our relationship has changed- in a different way. He is dependant on me so much now, to the point of being annoying sometimes, and yet he doesn't want to bother me much... It's a catch 22 situation. I don't want to give up my life to deal with this stuff and I am and will do so because this is my dad we are talking about here. I love him. I don't want him to have this stupid small cell lung cancer, I want him to be able to go back to work and play darts like he used to, to cook every night like he was expecting a table for 6... I want to not worry that he won't wake up in the morning, that his throat doesn't hurt or that he'll be coughing up blood soon- Hell, I'ld even cook fish for him if that's what it'll take! But this i'm afraid is not so.
And so it is.. When dad is ready in the near future, he'll be living with me. We'll be two pea's in a pod, roomies, or we'll drive each other nuts- one or the other BUT dad will have fresh sheets on his bed, clean PJ's to wear and something to eat, a clean bathroom and RDS to catch the game.
Could I manage this? I don't think it's a choice. Yes, I can... like the little train that could... Yes I can.
1. it'll sit in the freezer like my spagetti sauce
2. he'll make it, and then not want to eat it, then throw it out
...
This broke open the conversation that I've been trying to have with him for some time now.
"Dad when are you going to come live with me? I've got the spare bedroom, the appartment is warm, you won't be alone and you will have food on the table!- you won't have to cook"
Dad's reply was "I don't know, What will i do with all my stuff? well it's just the TV, my couch and some of my clothes- Not much come to think of it"
Done! Problem solved.. I think.
The loss of dad's independance is not something that I want to happen. I want him to eat, to drink and be merry. By drinking I mean - fluids, not beer and so far he isn't drinking either. I do not want to force him into making a decision he will regret nor do i want to make one that both of us will regret. I must re-evaluate my priorities and own up to them. This is a no brainer and yet it will be a major life adjustment for me, more so for my father.
Who's scared??? who? ME that's who! scared shitless!
I've been living on my own since 21 and now I'm soon to be 37. Could I possibly think of this situation getting worse? Yes. I'm not talking about me getting a room mate- my dad- I'm talking about all the horrible things that could be in the near future. I wish I could bail and basically take the easy way out. Or have a sibling to throw my hands up in the air and say "you deal with it" or better yet-be the dynamic duo that we once were. I would love that. But our relationship has changed- in a different way. He is dependant on me so much now, to the point of being annoying sometimes, and yet he doesn't want to bother me much... It's a catch 22 situation. I don't want to give up my life to deal with this stuff and I am and will do so because this is my dad we are talking about here. I love him. I don't want him to have this stupid small cell lung cancer, I want him to be able to go back to work and play darts like he used to, to cook every night like he was expecting a table for 6... I want to not worry that he won't wake up in the morning, that his throat doesn't hurt or that he'll be coughing up blood soon- Hell, I'ld even cook fish for him if that's what it'll take! But this i'm afraid is not so.
And so it is.. When dad is ready in the near future, he'll be living with me. We'll be two pea's in a pod, roomies, or we'll drive each other nuts- one or the other BUT dad will have fresh sheets on his bed, clean PJ's to wear and something to eat, a clean bathroom and RDS to catch the game.
Could I manage this? I don't think it's a choice. Yes, I can... like the little train that could... Yes I can.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas eve
A night spent with family, friends and good cheer... but not for me. This eve was spent wraping gifts and trying to get rid of a headache heading for a migraine. A night spent quietly and much needed.
How do I justify a christmas eve without family. As much as I love my family and friends... I am glad that I stayed home and spent it by myself listening to Jim Reeves or is it Paul Reeves? I look forward to his special every year airing on CJAD. I wrapped gifts and actually got rid of this headache and am thankful for the glass of red I am now enjoying.
Do you really need friends and family around at this time of year? It is a wonderful time to share special moments with loved ones, however, my love and friendship has not diminished with and for those I love because I spent this evening alone. It has not tainted my view of the holiday season especially since my holiday was on the winter solstice with that glorious total lunar eclipse... (which i watched online as it was so cloudy here in MTL).
I cherish my time alone these days and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and family of course-
I am guilty of wanting time alone and am guilty of fighting for it when poor dad wants to be with me almost 24/7 or though it feels like it. I love him and need him but time alone seems to be just so precious. Some may say that I am selfish and not right for wanting this time alone when dad has lung cancer. Had this been 2-3 mths ago = this post would not be written. it would be about dad and how he is going... speaking of which, He is doing very well. His hair is starting to grow back and he has color in his face. He only has numbness in his feet and hands, this is a result of the chemo. How I long for the days before Cancer and sickness....
I tell you what i long for though- I long for the sleigh rides with Jeff to kentucky fried chicken being pulled by uncle ern, elvis belting out the tunes from the sterio, uncle edgar dressing up as santa carrying a bag that was bigger than him, I long for trips down the street to aunt muriel's and uncle george's, uncle ern's and aunt lynn's, the trip over to mary and al's... I long for bo hiding my christmas gifts in the tree, I long for pap to walk through the door. I long for the family gathering of everyone at my place - the place that I still live in. I could hear the laughter, the joy. I long for the time when dad would surprise me with a plane ticket to sydney N.S. for chritmas to see grandma and aunt paul. I long for the parties and all night music that was always on, around and happening. I long to be worry free and innocent of all that is to come.
This is not a sad holiday- it is a time to remember the old, to share the new and enjoy the present. This is what I am doing. I've finished wrapping my gifts and forgot to eat since this morning.. the house is somewhat presentable. I put up my lights in the window and willow is fed. now at 8 pm in the evening I'll pour my second glass of red and make something to eat... enjoy this time alone and toast to those I love and care for.
Find peace in your hearts, say a prayer in which ever religion you belong to, as i'm sure that they are all heard, and have a merry eve and a joyous new year.
How do I justify a christmas eve without family. As much as I love my family and friends... I am glad that I stayed home and spent it by myself listening to Jim Reeves or is it Paul Reeves? I look forward to his special every year airing on CJAD. I wrapped gifts and actually got rid of this headache and am thankful for the glass of red I am now enjoying.
Do you really need friends and family around at this time of year? It is a wonderful time to share special moments with loved ones, however, my love and friendship has not diminished with and for those I love because I spent this evening alone. It has not tainted my view of the holiday season especially since my holiday was on the winter solstice with that glorious total lunar eclipse... (which i watched online as it was so cloudy here in MTL).
I cherish my time alone these days and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and family of course-
I am guilty of wanting time alone and am guilty of fighting for it when poor dad wants to be with me almost 24/7 or though it feels like it. I love him and need him but time alone seems to be just so precious. Some may say that I am selfish and not right for wanting this time alone when dad has lung cancer. Had this been 2-3 mths ago = this post would not be written. it would be about dad and how he is going... speaking of which, He is doing very well. His hair is starting to grow back and he has color in his face. He only has numbness in his feet and hands, this is a result of the chemo. How I long for the days before Cancer and sickness....
I tell you what i long for though- I long for the sleigh rides with Jeff to kentucky fried chicken being pulled by uncle ern, elvis belting out the tunes from the sterio, uncle edgar dressing up as santa carrying a bag that was bigger than him, I long for trips down the street to aunt muriel's and uncle george's, uncle ern's and aunt lynn's, the trip over to mary and al's... I long for bo hiding my christmas gifts in the tree, I long for pap to walk through the door. I long for the family gathering of everyone at my place - the place that I still live in. I could hear the laughter, the joy. I long for the time when dad would surprise me with a plane ticket to sydney N.S. for chritmas to see grandma and aunt paul. I long for the parties and all night music that was always on, around and happening. I long to be worry free and innocent of all that is to come.
This is not a sad holiday- it is a time to remember the old, to share the new and enjoy the present. This is what I am doing. I've finished wrapping my gifts and forgot to eat since this morning.. the house is somewhat presentable. I put up my lights in the window and willow is fed. now at 8 pm in the evening I'll pour my second glass of red and make something to eat... enjoy this time alone and toast to those I love and care for.
Find peace in your hearts, say a prayer in which ever religion you belong to, as i'm sure that they are all heard, and have a merry eve and a joyous new year.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
un-intentional avoidance ????
So, I'm noticing a pattern from people. I know that this pattern is usually unintentional for the most part but nonetheless bothersome to me. I have noticed that people who want to know how my father is doing ask me - when he is sitting right in front of them or beside them. I know that it is an awkward situation when you ask someone how they are and the actually tell you. Most people deal with that question by saying 'alright' or 'could be better' or 'great' then they want to know how great you are... but when people are struck with a negative answer it is hard to conceptualize and hard for them to deal with- However, it is the person you are asking about that should be ask...
I don't mean to be ranting about this BUT... I can't imagine how dad feels when people don't look at him in the eye or avoid talking to him like they used to and come to ask me the question... So how is your dad doing? My answer today was "he's sitting right there, you should ask him", I watched as the person reluctantly walked over to him. In my head I was thinking - "i hope that dad didn't hear him ask me or feel invisible' because that is how I would feel if I was him. Invisible.
Dad isn't invisible, he is not unable to have a conversation... So, for those of you who are having a hard time approaching him - Please do so. He likes to talk with his friends, family and would love it. That's just my observation that I have been seeing lately.
I don't mean to be ranting about this BUT... I can't imagine how dad feels when people don't look at him in the eye or avoid talking to him like they used to and come to ask me the question... So how is your dad doing? My answer today was "he's sitting right there, you should ask him", I watched as the person reluctantly walked over to him. In my head I was thinking - "i hope that dad didn't hear him ask me or feel invisible' because that is how I would feel if I was him. Invisible.
Dad isn't invisible, he is not unable to have a conversation... So, for those of you who are having a hard time approaching him - Please do so. He likes to talk with his friends, family and would love it. That's just my observation that I have been seeing lately.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Latest Set Back- on the Last Session....
up until now I have been coasting on a hope and a lot of prayers. From now on fingers will be crossed, eyes will be shut tight and a breath will be held. Poor dad seems to be disappointed - we have had to cancel his first chemo of his LAST session... The creatine levels have been rising slowly causing him to be in the emergency room twice over the last 2 1/2 weeks. Once for hydration and second for low blood pressure due to a low hemoglobin score- making him stay over night for 2 pints of blood and a couple of bags of saline.
Today, dad will be at the hospital from 8 am for hydration, then his chemo, then more hydration. Wow. A minor set back? yes! BUT, as Lucie the pharmacist says it is a good thing to prevent the kidneys from not functioning properly.
So, Today, Tomorrow and Friday will be complete days of hospital work. Yay! (I say with sarcasim).
I've been learning that the only way to deal with all of this is to take it as it comes, no need to worry about the final outcome, no need to think the worst and no need to panic at all. Just hope that test scores will come out alright, bodily functions will work as they should and spirits should be kept high. I've also learned that mind set is important.
I will be at work until 12 then joining dad at hospital for his day long excursions... No rest for the wicked, right? Unfortunately I had to switch my work schedule with my collegue- for friday, but what could I do. I must do what I have to do.
In three weeks, and a CT scan later we will find out if things are to be as they should in order to progress to radiation on the lungs. If not ... I am not sure what we are to do. We will find out. I use 'we' because dad is not going to do this alone. He never will!
Until then, I will be sleeping with one eye open, walking on pins and needles and working on my patience. Will I be able to keep it together? I would have no choice. Will dad be alright? I think so. WIll he be able to keep up this circus? I certainly hope so. He is strong willed, strong in spirit, altough weakened by the damn cancer, He will do what he has to do! quote un-quote. Does he need moral support (other than me?) I might say yes. Does he get it? I might say yes. Will he admit that he could use more? I might say no.
We will find a mileu somehow, cooking will be made, cleaning will be done and maybe a good night sleep will ensue for me? hopefully, BUT more importantly and only for dad.
Chin up- eyes wide and hopes held high. Hydration is good. and It's only time.
Today, dad will be at the hospital from 8 am for hydration, then his chemo, then more hydration. Wow. A minor set back? yes! BUT, as Lucie the pharmacist says it is a good thing to prevent the kidneys from not functioning properly.
So, Today, Tomorrow and Friday will be complete days of hospital work. Yay! (I say with sarcasim).
I've been learning that the only way to deal with all of this is to take it as it comes, no need to worry about the final outcome, no need to think the worst and no need to panic at all. Just hope that test scores will come out alright, bodily functions will work as they should and spirits should be kept high. I've also learned that mind set is important.
I will be at work until 12 then joining dad at hospital for his day long excursions... No rest for the wicked, right? Unfortunately I had to switch my work schedule with my collegue- for friday, but what could I do. I must do what I have to do.
In three weeks, and a CT scan later we will find out if things are to be as they should in order to progress to radiation on the lungs. If not ... I am not sure what we are to do. We will find out. I use 'we' because dad is not going to do this alone. He never will!
Until then, I will be sleeping with one eye open, walking on pins and needles and working on my patience. Will I be able to keep it together? I would have no choice. Will dad be alright? I think so. WIll he be able to keep up this circus? I certainly hope so. He is strong willed, strong in spirit, altough weakened by the damn cancer, He will do what he has to do! quote un-quote. Does he need moral support (other than me?) I might say yes. Does he get it? I might say yes. Will he admit that he could use more? I might say no.
We will find a mileu somehow, cooking will be made, cleaning will be done and maybe a good night sleep will ensue for me? hopefully, BUT more importantly and only for dad.
Chin up- eyes wide and hopes held high. Hydration is good. and It's only time.
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