Going back to what my boss said to me that has stuck with me- I must steal my self away. He has dealt with cancer from being a pharmacist and losing his mother to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was confused by what he meant however, I have since then learned.
I am stealing myself away (am I distancing myself) ? I don't know? Now that school is finished I have more time on my hands I should have more time for my father- I do, however I find myself wanting to be alone more than ever. I spent the weekend with friends and haven't really talked with dad since yesterday morning. Do I feel guilty? YES. I need not to think about appointments, tests, chemo, results, tumors... does that make me a bad daughter? Yes.
I feel overwhelmed when I shouldn't be, aggrivated when there is no need to be and angry/ upset at the drop of the hat. This is just the way I feel- it is not my dad's fault, solely my own.
Life has a funny way of working- you do your best to be good, nice and the best you can be and there is always something that counteracts that way of thinking. I question my faith, my friendships, my relationships, my family, myself, and I can't understand how to manage things on my own, even with the help of my friends, family, faith. Where do you go when life is shit? Where do you put your thoughts and feelings? A spouse, better half, a familiar (cat/dog/fish)? What do they do to make things better? Does it pass? And how long does it take to pass? I am not the writer that some of my friends are, or a person with the gift of words - I do feel better when I write how I am feeling, like here today, but I don't like feeling the way I do.
My dad and I are close, always have been and our dynamic will change eventually- if I don't change the way I feel- meaning aggrivated, angry, upset. I don't want it to! Am I making sense? It all sounds good in my head- believe it or not.
There are numberous things/decisions I have to take care of/make over the next few months and these decisions are important to me. WIll I be able to make them and live with them, concentrate on them, work towards them? I hope so. I need to, have to, and as usual I will.
Last set of questions- where does the strength/will come from? Is it because I"m working on autopilot? Will I run out of steam? WIll I really have a mental breakdown that I keep joking about having? Will it really come to pass?
The answer: maybe- maybe not.
I certainly don't think spending time doing other things makes you a bad daughter - you've mentioned this in a few posts and I'm always puzzled by it. Being dutiful doesn't mean you have to spend every moment thinking about what's happening. On a purely pragmatic level, where would that get you? You'd burn out, and then what help would that be to your dad?
ReplyDeleteMoreover, disease can never be the center focus of life, it doesn't make sense. You can't expect your psyche to balance in a resting state on that all of the time, you'd go crazy, it doesn't correspond to the human need to focus on the good and the beautiful.
Finally, this is ultimately something beyond your control. Keeping track of appointments, etc might make you feel like up to a point, if you stay on the ball, you can beat it, but that's not really the case. Being super-organized and never missing an apt might keep it moving slowly but the ultimate turnout is beyond you, your dad, any of the doctors, etc. Do your best, sure, and pray and don't worry. Really what else can you do?
Amy, you always have the right words and logical thinking- Thank you for a whole lot of perspective. :) I do feel better
ReplyDelete