my third entry.

I am not so sure how I feel. Dad looks alright except that he's a bit pale today, he mentioned that he slept from 9:30 last night until 10 or so this morning. He's getting more tired. He hasn't given up the idea that he could go into work after three days of chemo- and we haven't even started yet. He's worried that his insurance will not accept him. He's a silly goose!

So, yesterday night I did a 'blog search' on google and found some blogs- I've added them to the listings on the side here... i've given some thought about them and I am not so sure that I could continue searching for other people who are going through what I am going through. Half or more of the people that turned up on my blog have discontinued their bloggings- leading me to believe the worst! I don't know if I could continue looking for others in this situation.

For those who know me well - know that I don't share my feelings or show emotion all that often (when it comes to heavy matters like this). And those who don't know me all that well usually get the wrong impression about me. It is hard to be in the middle of both places right now. I want to show emotion but can not and I want to remain strong but break down reading someone's blog. I cannot understand what feeling I am feeling right now.

This after noon Dad and I went to see DR. W. today. Dr. W was the Doctor that we saw at St. Mary's in mid November for his fainting spell. He mentioned that Dad had some arteries in his neck that were getting blocked- (I am thinking Plavix for the arteries- right?) well, Dad continued chattin the to Dr. W and mentioned that since November we found out that he has Cancer. Dr.W sat back and you could tell his mind was thinking.. what ever happened in that split second thought made him think twice aoubt giving him something for the arteries. I know that he is a good Doctor. and I was hoping that he would give him something but I know what he was thinking- I am not sure that Dad picked it up. He wants us to get the chemo out of the way and then come back to see him with a bloodtest for his cholesterol. All the while looking at me - staring through me- then asked me 'and are you ok?' I almost lost my balance- But Dad was there. The doctor thinks that that is the last time he will see my father as a patient. I could tell.

How do I Feel about it? I don't want pitty- I don't want sympathy- I want this bastard of a disease gone! I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to lose my father.

One day at a time I say to people at the pharmacy- did I ever mean it? Yeah, I think I did... I do now if I haven't meant it before. Damn it.

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On a brighter note- the leaves on the trees are starting to come out (blossom- grow?) and they are just so pretty. The colors are gorgeous. It's the little things that should help. Besides my friends and close family of course... but the trees are what got me though this afternoon.

I should post a picture .. I will try to take a picture of what got me through the day. I know it should be my dad writing this blog about how he feels -- but this blog is about how I feel.. Am I selfish? I don't know? Don't hold it against me.